Page 64 of Between Then and Now
But somehow all this makes me more anxious than it makes me happy. Because my thoughts are betraying me as they slowly put themselves back into my head as if to say, “playtime’s over”. But I still try to shove them out. I try not to think about how much of a coward I am. How I’m so scared of being seen andgetting hurt that I run away at the prospect of it. I try not to think that in eight hours, I will be on a flight out of here because I am a terrible, terrible person and I’m too much of a coward to stay.
However, as the night progresses, my thoughts refuse to leave me alone. It’s becoming harder and harder to pretend that I’m fine, that everything is as it should be. I wait as Ryan drifts to sleep before I gently untangle myself from his embrace, careful not to wake him.
I move around the room to pack my stuff, not bothering to fold anything neatly. There’s no time for that now. I have to leave before Ryan stops me because I know that one look into his rain cloud eyes could make me lose all rationality again. After everything is packed, I smooth out my bed and write a note, even when I know no words can justify why I’m doing this.
I plant one last kiss on Ryan’s cheek, and I linger for a moment. I take one last look at him, memorizing him. He doesn’t move, probably too tired after the long day we had. And the space beside him is so inviting that it almost makes me stay.
But I can’t. I shake my head and move away. With one last glance at his sleeping figure, I close the door behind me. I don’t walk away; I run, driven by the same fear that’s kept me from facing my feelings for too long.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Ryan
Ican’t say I’m surprised to see my bed empty when I wake. I’m also not surprised that Bonbon’s side of the room is empty except for a letter resting on her bed, with my name on it. The moment I told her I liked her, I saw the hesitation in Bon’s eyes. There was also affection in them, and maybe even love, but the hesitation prevailed.
Last night was the best night of my life. I’ve never been a casual dater, so all the girls I had sex with (all three of them) were ones I had feelings for. But nothing–and I mean nothing–comes close to how it was with Bonbon. With her, it wasn’t just feelings. It was a connection, a spark that felt like it had always been there, waiting for the right moment to ignite.
With Bonbon, it felt like I was finally whole, like every piece of me that had been missing was now found. The way she looked at me, with such trust and vulnerability, made me feel like I could conquer anything. She made me–makes me–want to be a better person, to fight for something real and lasting.
As I sit on the edge of the bed, the letter in my hand, I can’t help but feel a pang of anxiety. What if this letter is her way of saying goodbye? What if she’s already decided that last night was a mistake, that we’re better off as friends? Could we stillbefriends after all that? My heart races as I carefully open the envelope, unfolding the paper with trembling hands.
Ryan,
Last night was incredible. I was blown away in ways I never thought possible. You were amazing, and I want nothing more than to be the person you want to be with.
But I’m scared. I’m scared that one day, you’ll wake up and realize that I’m more of a rain cloud after all. That maybe you’d think I’m a fraud for always pretending. That I am layers and layers of different personalities, and you may find one of them repulsive.
I do want to come to terms with all that I’m feeling. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m kind of freaking out. Don’t think of this as goodbye. Think of it as me hitting the pause button to catch my breath and maybe have a mini existential crisis. I’ll be back, hopefully without the need for a rescue mission.
You mean the world to me.
Love,
Bonbon
I exhale, the tension in my chest easing slightly. She’s not leaving forever; she just needs time. I should probably just sit here and wait. I’ll be back home in a week and then I’ll see her again. Normally, I’d be fine with that. It’s just seven days, after all. But in the past seven days, I went on a date with Alexa, rescued Bon from drowning, and then I fell in love with her. So, seven days isn’t exactly short. And I obviously can’t wait that long.
I take a quick shower and take the next jeepney to the town proper where I’m stationed for the day. I take out my phone and contemplate calling Bon, but I really want to give her the space she’s asking for. So I call the next best person who I think can help me.
“Who died?” Joshua says immediately after the first ring.
“What? Who hurt you?” I say, chuckling slightly at the sound of his voice.
“You never call me,” he says, his tone flat.
“Maybe I just wanted to check on you,” I lie.
“Nope. The last time you called me, you told me our neighbor had a heart attack and that I should start watching what I eat,” he says, and I’m whisked back to the memory.
“So, are you watching what you eat?”
“While I am flattered that you care about my diet, why did you call, really?” he says, a hint of amusement in his voice.
I sigh deeply. “Your sister.”
“What did Bon do? Did she wreak havoc on the island? Did she hurt a local? Did she hurt a doctor? Did she summon some monster from the legends?”
“I’m very alarmed at how you see Bonbon,” I say, chuckling slightly. “But, no, none of that.”
