Page 67 of Between Then and Now
I scream into my pillow. Tomorrow, I tell myself. Tomorrow I’ll figure out what to do. With Ryan, with my job, with my life. Tonight, I just need to let myself feel everything. The sadness, the confusion, the fear. I need to let it all out so I can start to make sense of it. And maybe I’ll find the courage toface Ryan and tell him the truth that I also maybe-more like him, Notting Hill style. For now, though, I’m just a girl crying into her pillow, hoping for a better day.
I sleep soundlessly. It’s not until I see sunlight steeping through my window that I realize I slept through the night. Still wearing the clothes from my flight. Disgusting.
I sit up, and my head whirls. I guess that’s what happens when I skip two meals and a shower, like the caveman that I’ve become. To be honest, being a caveman sounds good right now because they don’t have these complex emotions and only live for survival. And I get to have a pet dinosaur like Wilma Flinstone.
I groan, but I get moving. I take a cold shower and grab food from the kitchen–chickenadoboand rice. My parents aren’t home today, so I at least had the house to myself. After eating, I open my laptop to look at the status of my film. Just when I’m panicking about how to end the film without the footage I envisioned, I receive an email. I blink twice to confirm who the email is from.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Finish Your Story
Attachment: FinalFootage.mp4
Hey, Bonbon. Got you the footage you needed.
Hope you’re feeling better. Let’s talk soon.
Ry
Dammit, I thought there wouldn’t be any tears today. Emily is right–I’ve always been the crying type of person. Isquint as I stop the tears from falling when I open the attachment, and there it is. Twenty minutes of glorious footage taken from his phone, with the doctors answering the same question I asked on the first day:How do you think this experience will shape your medical career?
I click play and I hear Ryan’s voice. “Sorry, Bon went home ‘cos something came up. But she still needs this final footage.”
“Sure, no problem.” It’s Alexa’s voice that answers. I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Not because I’m jealous of any romantic thing that may happen between them, but because they can talk freely and openly, which used to be the case with us. “You must really like her to do this for her,” she adds.
“Yeah, I really do,” Ryan says, and my heart flutters, thumping in a way that resonates to all parts of my body. He still likes me. Even after I left him with nothing but a note.
I watch the rest of the footage and see all their replies. As expected, it’s different from their responses during the first day, which is the perfect ending to my film. Some responses go like this.
Mia: “This mission has changed me in ways I never anticipated. Seeing the gratitude in the eyes of people who have so little has inspired me to dedicate part of my practice to community outreach. I want to bring that same hope and care to those in need back home.”
Alexa: “Working in such a different cultural context has been humbling and enlightening. I've become more attuned to the unique stories and needs of each patient. This experience has opened my heart and mind, making me more empathetic and committed to providing sensitive, inclusive care to all my patients.”
John: “I've been deeply moved by the resilience of the people we've served here. Learning to provide care with limited resources has taught me to value the basics and to be creative in ways I never thought possible. Thisexperience has given me a newfound appreciation for my profession and a desire to serve with even greater compassion.”
John’s clip extends for a bit as he takes a moment to apologize to me for the jackass-ness he showed that night. I forgive him, not because he deserves it, but because his terrible behavior gave me that unforgettable night with Ryan.
And then Ryan’s face pops up. He says, “The techniques I’ve learned are invaluable, but what’s touched me more is the spirit of the community. They’ve taught me about strength, unity, and the power of human connection. These lessons will stay with me far beyond any medical knowledge I’ve gained.” He pauses to take a deep breath. “And I’ll also bring the knowledge that people are complex beings. As a medical professional and a person in general, I think it’s important to know that people are not hardbound into one personality. We’re all a mix of strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and flaws. Understanding this has made me a better doctor and a better person.”
I know that last statement is for me. I know he wants me to know that he accepts me. But why am I so hard on myself? As I begin editing my film, my phone rings.
“I never thought I’d be fixing relationship problems when I’m on the other side of the world,” Joshua says on the other line.
My brother has always been straightforward. Not even a “hi” or “hello.” He always just goes headfirst into it. I shake my head as I reply. “Hello to you, too,” I say. “No one’s asking you to fix anything. You can ignore us.”
“Believe me, I want to. But in a span of twenty-four hours, Ryan has called me twice,” he says. “Please put the guy out of his misery, Bon.”
“It’s not that simple,” I sigh, feeling the familiar knot of anxiety twist in my stomach. “Things are complicated. I’m not even sure if I’m… you know… worth all this.”
Josh is silent for a while, and I hear a clatter on the other line. Sounds like he’s cooking? I don’t know; I never know what he’s up to these days. “Bon, let me tell you something,” he starts, his tone softer but still firm. “I’ve known you your whole life, and I know how you can get in your head. You say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re great and all. You say you don’t overthink, but you do. On stuff that matters, you overthink. And that’s not a bad thing. It only means you care.” He pauses. “And whatever it is you’re thinking, just know that Ryan’s reaction isn’t just about him. It’s about how much you mean to him—and how much you’ve always meant to people who truly care about you.”
I bite my lip, trying to keep my emotions in check. “It’s hard for me to believe that sometimes. I’m not exactly the easiest person to love, Joshua.”
“Who told you that?” Joshua’s voice is filled with an edge of frustration. “You’re not perfect, sure. None of us are. You’re insufferable to me, but the guy finds you lovable for some insane reason. He knows you, he sees you, and he wants all of it. I personally don’t understand it; you know I don’t do these things.”
Ah, yes. My brother and his pact to singlehood. Our parents’ relationship over the years caused him to detest love and relationships. And I thought it didn’t have any effect on me, but apparently it made me doubt my own abilities too. Maybe I didn’t turn into a chronic casual dater like Josh, but they messed us up so bad I think I’m not worthy of real love.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I blink them away. “It’s just hard to believe sometimes. I don’t see myself that way.”
