Page 61 of Between Then and Now
“I mean, that you’re the standard. You’re why I never found someone I wanted to talk to, to spend time with. Because I would always compare her to you. I was drawn to Alexa because, on the surface, I saw her act like you–bubbly, friendly. But when I actually got to spend time with her, I kept thinking of you, how you’d respond. It’s like I created an unattainable standard of a woman. A standard that the only person could meet is, well, you.”
I can’t say anything, and I don’t. I look at him, tears blurring my vision. It’s overwhelming to be thought of this way. For the first time in my life, my words fail me, so I stay silent. Ryan, thankfully, doesn’t force me to speak. Instead, he reaches for my hand, and I give it to him, feeling the warmth and reassurance of his touch.
We’re still seated facing each other, him leaning on the rails and me with my legs hanging off them. Ryan scoots closer, pulling me gently with him. Suddenly, there are mere inches between us. The world feels like it’s holding its breath as the sound of the waves crashing below fades into the background.
He cradles my face in his hands, his gaze locking onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart race. We stay like that for a long moment, just looking at each other, the silence filled with all the things I’ve left unsaid.
“So beautiful,” he whispers, his voice barely audible but carrying the weight of his emotions. His lips curve into a gentle smile, and I can see the sincerity in his eyes.
Slowly, almost hesitantly, he closes the gap between us. His lips brush against mine, feather-light at first, as if he’s giving me a chance to pull away. But I don’t. I lean into the kiss, feeling the warmth of his breath, the softness of his lips. The kiss deepens gradually, and the world around us fades away entirely. There’s only the two of us, connected in a way that feels both new and incredibly familiar.
This is all I’ve ever wanted for a while now, and this is the best kiss I’ve ever had. But why does my head feel like a jumble of emotions that are wrestling with each other? My heart is soaring, but my mind is a whirlwind of doubts and fears. What if this changes everything between us? What if we ruin the friendship we’ve built over the years? And then there’s the nagging voice in the back of my head, the one that never really goes away. What if he sees something that repels him, and this kiss becomes a mistake we both regret?
We pull away for a while, and I get lost in those eyes again. And as he kisses me again and his lips move against mine, all those thoughts begin to quiet down, replaced by the certainty of this moment. The way he’s holding me, the way he’s kissing me, it’s like he’s telling me without words that everything will be okay.
At least for now. The chaos in my mind can wait.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Ryan
I’ve had Bon’s lips on mine three times now. First was when we were practicing, the second was when I was blowing air into her system to save her life. This time, it’s different. This time, the only reason is that I want to.
She didn’t tell me anything after my big revelation, which is unlike her, and it makes me think that she doesn’t feel the same. Or that my confession wasn’t what she expected. Maybe it wasn’t enough. To be honest, I was about to tell her that I might even be in love with her but doing that takes a different amount of courage. And I didn’t want to scare her off so soon.
When we finally pull away from that long kiss, I say, “Well, that was incredible.”
Bon giggles. She giggles and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world. “Yeah, it was.”
We stay there for a while, the hum of the air and the waves crashing the only sounds we hear. I don’t know what Bon is thinking about, and I won’t force her to talk about it if she doesn’t want to.
“Let’s go,” Bon says.
“Back to the inn?”
“No, I don’t want this night to end. Because when it does, I’ll have to deal with my mind, and it’s not being very nice to me right now,” she says, her gaze softening as she looks at me.
I watch her as she gets her legs off the rails, and stands up. She brushes off her dress and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. I know she’s having second thoughts about what I did. But I’m not. I’m so sure of what I feel about her. But I can’t help but think it's selfish of me to only think about what I’m feeling.Maybe Bon is going through an emotional turmoil that she can’t process.
I know she likes me back; her words, her eyes and her lips made sure I know. But I also know her well enough to know that Bon is someone who has never been in a relationship where she felt free. And maybe this scares her, or maybe she thinks I’ll be like the others.
I’m contemplating whether to help her confront her feelings or to let her do it at her own pace. I decide on the latter because I know that she needs time. Rushing her would only push her away, and the last thing I want is to make her feel pressured or trapped. She needs to come to terms with her emotions on her own, and I want to be there for her, not force her into anything she's not ready for.
We begin our descent down the lighthouse, the narrow staircase winding its way through the stone tower. I take her hand, leading her carefully down the steps.
Suddenly, an idea sparks in my mind, and I come to an abrupt stop. Bon, caught off guard, bumps into my back. I turn to face her, my heart racing. We're halfway down the staircase, with the world outside far below us.
“What's going on?” she asks, a few inches towering over me since she's a step higher. Her eyes search mine, curiosity mixed with a hint of concern.
I take a deep breath, a smile tugging at my lips. “Can I kiss you again?”
Her laughter fills the empty lighthouse, echoing off the walls. “You’re so unpredictable lately,” she says.
“Maybe I am,” I say. “But ever since we practiced kissing, there’s nothing else I ever thought about.” I take both her hands and put them on my shoulders. “So, can I?”
“Yes,” she says immediately, her eyes already on my lips. And then we close the gap at the same time. This kiss is less soft and more urgent. Our mouths move in sync, like they’ve been doing this for the longest time. Her hands make their way to my hair and mine are around her waist, steadying us.
Bon pulls away and says, “Please don’t take this the wrong way,” she pulls her arms away from my neck and looks at me. “But a few more seconds of getting lost in that kiss will be the literal death of us.” She points to the long way down the lighthouse tower. I laugh because I realize it too. Kissing on the steps of a tall staircase isn’t exactly ideal.
