Page 117 of Between Love and War
“Go ahead,” I mutter, flopping face-first into my pillow. “Say it. I know you want to.”
There’s a rustle near the door, followed by the unmistakable creak of it being opened slowly—like they’re trying to sneak into a bear cave, except the bear is just me, in pajamas, surrounded by crumpled tissues, hugging the teddy bear we won at the amusement park.
“I told you so,” Haley says, because of course she does.
“What she meant,” Emily says gently, sitting at the edge of the bed and running her fingers through my tangled hair, “is that we’re here for you.”
“I most definitely meant ‘I told you so,’” Haley repeats, deadpan, dropping a pint of ice cream onto the blanket next to me. “But also, yeah. We’re here.”
“I brought cookies,” Bon says, holding up a box like it’s a peace offering. “Not yours. Store-bought. Yours are better.”
My heart does something weird at that. Because even though it's meant to be comforting, the reminder stings. My cookies.Ourcookies.
“You were long overdue for a breakup,” Haley says. “Honestly, the fact that you’ve made it this far in life without one is already such an achievement.”
“I can’t believe this is my first heartbreak,” I mutter. “I’m almost thirty and this is the first time I’ve ever had my heart actually stepped on. What have I been doing all these years?”
Haley tosses a pillow at me. “Avoiding vulnerability. Holding people at arm’s length. Settling for fictional men in sweaters.”
Bon pinches her arm. “Stop that!” she says. “Katherine,” she says, looking at me. “You’re a hopeless romantic. You were holding out for the love you really wanted.”
“And of course it had to be with someone like Michael,” I say, groaning. “Tall, stupidly kind, secretly soft Michael. Michael who used to make fun of grand gestures and then turned around and made me believe in them.”
“I mean, have you seen his arms?” Haley says, trying to lighten the mood. “I’d believe in a lot of things for those arms.”
“Stop crying, Kate,” Emily says. “You’ve been crying since he left.”
“I’m not crying,” I lie. “This is just… leaking from the heart.”
Haley raises an eyebrow. “And your nose. Grab a tissue.”
Emily wraps an arm around my shoulder. “We love you. Even if you’re… leaking.”
I flop back on the pillows, letting out a sigh.
“It’s not that I hate him,” I say. “I don’t. I could never. I think I might actually lo—” I stop, shaking my head. “Nope. Not going there. We didn’t even date. It’s stupid.”
Bon gently opens the cookie box. “You can still love someone even if you weren’t official.”
“Exactly,” Emily adds. “Love doesn’t care about technicalities.”
We all look at Haley, waiting for her input. “Love is a giant scam.” We roll our eyes at her, but I notice something different.
“Are you okay?” I ask Haley. She’s staring out my window, holding wine in her hand.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just…” she starts. Her eyebrows are scrunched. She looks at us with confusion and says, “Have you heard about Richard?”
The three of us look at each other and shake our heads. “He,” Haley continues. “He’s leaving to be a partner in some law firm in the States.” Haley stays quiet for a minute, then composes herself. “Good for him, right?” She plops down beside me. “Anyway, it’s not about him. It’s about you!”
We know Haley well enough not to push it. “What are you feeling?” she asks me.
I sigh. “I miss him. I hate that I do. I hate that I still want to tell him stuff. Or that sometimes, I still think about watching his highlight reel on Youtube just to get a glimpse, but that’s not the Michael I wanna see. So I end up crying harder.”
Everyone’s quiet for a while. Then Bon says, “You don’t have to move on all at once. Just... inch forward.”
“Did you know that I… I used to smoke?” I ask. “That cigarette you saw at Lily’s, that was mine.”
All three of them hold their breaths. It’s Emily who speaks first. “Used to? When did you stop?”
