Page 91 of Between Love and War
I slip out of the backyard and walk toward Emily’s house. The lights are warm. Someone’s playing music too quietly from a phone speaker.
They’re all inside already, munching on midnight snacks. I sigh and open the door.
“There she is,” Bon says. “Tell us everything!”
“Let the girl breathe, Bon,” Emily interjects. “We have some food, Kate. You hungry?” she asks. Emily’s always been more motherly, and I’ve never appreciated it more.
I grab a stick of barbecue and slowly munch while they’re looking at me.
“So,” Haley says after a few seconds, “You and Michael Lee. What is up?”
“Nothing,” I say. And somehow, that’s true.
“I don’t believe it,” Bon says. “You started dating rumors. You spend every day together in that preschool. He nursed you to health! While you wereonhim.”
“And,” Haley adds, pointing a potato chip in my direction, “you kissed him.”
Emily and Bon gasp so hard, they don’t make a sound. I eye Haley begrudgingly, and she just shrugs like she didn’t sell me out.
“Okay, before you freak out, it was barely a kiss. I pulled away immediately,” I say. I keep my eyes on the barbecue stick. Refraining from eye contact is my version of survival.
“Well, at least tell us something,” Haley insists.
“Yeah, this is all new for you and we just wanna… be there,” Bon adds.
“We’re just looking out for you, Kate,” Emily says.
And then all the moments that I kept myself quiet suddenly play in my head. All the times I said yes when I didn’t want to. The times I accepted all unsolicited advice. And I’m probably going to regret this, but something in me just… snaps.
“There’s nothing to tell!” I say. The room quiets. Even the air conditioner hum seems to hold its breath. I force myself to inhale slowly. “Sorry,” I say in a softer tone. “Just… there’s nothing to tell. I enjoy spending time with him, and I think he feels the same way. That’s it.”
They’re all quiet now. Bon opens her mouth but thinks better of it.
“We just don’t want you to get hurt,” Haley says gently.
And then I think about Michael. How he told me that I get to decide how to live my life. That I’m allowed to say no or change my mind. And somehow, his words give me the courage to say what I say next.
“Well, Haley, I hate to break it to you, but there’s a very real possibility that Idoget hurt. And that’s gonna bemypain to carry.”
That catches them off guard. Me too, a little. But once I start, it’s like opening a valve. “You guys have to stop coddling me,” I say, quieter this time. Not yelling. Just… releasing.
“We’re not coddling you,” Bon says calmly.
“You are,” I say, my eyes finally being brave enough to look at her. “When you first saw me with Michael, you freaked out. And when I told you,” I say, turning to Haley, “that I kissedhim, you launched into a lecture about being careful. That’s coddling.” Then I turn to Emily, slowly. “And when I told you about our first meeting, you made me feel like I don’t have the courage to stand up for myself.”
Emily looks down, biting her lip.
“Kate,” she says softly, “we’re sorry. You’re right. Your feelings are yours to sort out.”
“What are you talking about?” Haley interjects. “She’s setting herself up to pain. And I’m not gonna stand here and watch while that happens.”
Bon sets her glass of orange juice down with a soft clink and folds her hands in her lap. “I don’t know,” she says slowly. “I kind of get it.” She meets Haley’s glare without flinching. “When you have feelings for someone—real feelings—there’s this... pull. Like something in your chest is reaching forward even if your brain is screaming at you to turn back. And yeah, it might crash and burn. But it also… might not.”
“Or it might,” Haley says flatly.
Emily nods, as if remembering her own feelings. “Yeah, it might. But standing by and not doing anything is also setting herself up for pain, Haley.”
“I just—” Haley’s voice cracks slightly. “I don’t want her to be one of those girls crying in a car at 2 a.m. because she thought it was love and it wasn’t.”
