Page 24 of Spirit Witch
I sighed. ‘If you think that mooning at me is going to put me off my food, you underestimate how many hairy bottoms I’ve seen in my time. The only one that could ever keep me from my food belongs to the man sitting opposite me. Your ugly arse isn’t going to work.’
He snorted. ‘You lack imagination.’ He took out a flaccid, pale penis, directed in downwards and, with what I could only describe as a contented sigh, began to pee.
I slowly put down my spoon and pushed back my chair. There was a ghost standing on the table in front of me and pissing into my food. Admittedly, it was ghost pee. It wouldn’t taste of anything – it probably didn’t even exist. Not in any real sense anyway. All the same, the scabby plonker had achieved what he wanted. I no longer wanted to eat a thing.
‘What’s wrong, Ivy?’
‘Nothing.’ I crossed my arms and glared at the ghost.
‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ Winter said.
‘It’s not you I’m looking at.’
The ghost smiled. ‘I’ve got your attention now, haven’t I?’
‘Do yourself up,’ I snapped. ‘If you want to talk, damn well talk.’
His lip curled. ‘I’m not here for chit-chat. Why would I want to pass the time of day with you? All I want to know is what you did. Why did I disappear and where did I go?’
‘I don’t know. You’re going to have to give me a little more information.’
‘I was here then I was not here.’ His eyes narrowed. ‘I know who you are. Everyone knows who you are. You must have had something to do with what happened to me. You’re the only person on this earth who can both see and talk to us. It cannot be a coincidence that you show up here and I vanish from existence.’
I ran my tongue around my teeth. I was going to have to order some more stew and make up a reason for why I couldn’t eat what was in front of me. ‘When exactly did you vanish?’ I enquired.
‘It was a Tuesday. I know it was a Tuesday because that waste of space great-nephew of mine gets all the deliveries on a Tuesday. In my day, we…’
I held up my hand in a bid to get him to stop talking. ‘What happened in your day isn’t relevant. Whatisrelevant is that today is Friday and I only arrived today, so your disappearance obviously has nothing to do with me.’
I rocked forward, using my elbow to nudge the almost full bowl of stew and send it crashing to the floor. ‘Oh no!’ I gasped. I looked at the barman who was already bustling over with a towel in his hand. ‘I’m so sorry! I’m such a klutz.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ he said. ‘It’s not a big deal. I’ll get this cleaned up in a jiffy.’
The ghost tutted loudly. ‘In my day, we’d have made you clean it up yourself.’ He jumped soundlessly from the table and eyeballed the poor barman who remained oblivious to his presence. Winter at least knew something strange was going on; he’d stopped eating and was watching me carefully. ‘It’s difficult to believe,’ the ghost continued, ‘that I’m related to this idiot at all.’
I got down and tried to help, although I probably just made more of a mess. Then I paused. Hang on a minute. ‘That man,’ I said slowly. ‘The one with the beard who raced out of here.’
‘The one you were having the altercation with?’ the barman asked.
I scratched my neck, wincing as my fingernails scraped the edge of my wound. ‘Er, yeah. Him. When did he arrive?’
‘Tuesday. I wasn’t expecting him, to be honest. He’s here regularly, about once a month, but he doesn’t normally stay for more than a night. And it’s only been a couple of weeks since his last visit. He gives me the creeps, if I’m honest. I won’t be upset if he doesn’t come back. There’s something about his eyes, you know?’
Oh, I knew. ‘So he was supposed to be here tonight? He has a room here?’
‘He does.’
I looked over at Winter. He was already getting to his feet. ‘Can we see it?’
‘I dunno. Maybe we should leave it for the police or until he comes back. I can’t just let people wander around guests’ rooms.’
I tilted my head to one side. We needed to see that room and I preferred to do it without breaking in. ‘We can help you,’ I said eventually.
The barman stood up, abandoning the splattered hotpot in favour of looking at me warily. ‘How?’
‘This pub is haunted.’
He took a step backwards. ‘Excuse me?’
