Page 32 of Box of Frogs
Not taking anything for granted – after all, Julie might have bewitched her car mirrors along with the blood-magic imbued NDA – I went into a public toilet in the nearest shopping mall to double-check my reflection. Yep: I was still a burly male. No wonder the red-car arsebadger had seemed intimidated; I looked like a brute. I even had several missing teeth and a cauliflower ear. The attention to detail was extraordinary.
Undoing the zip on my jeans, I peered down. Well, you would, wouldn’t you? A squat, ugly penis, surrounded by coarse black pubic hair, hung there. I jiggled my hips and the penis jiggled in turn. I was reaching for it, hoping to experiment to see how hard it was to aim correctly while peeing standing up, when the door opened and another woman entered. Comically, she froze and gazed at me open-mouthed before letting out a tiny squeak, whirling away and skedaddling as fast as her high heels would let her. I followed quickly, zipping myself up again. It wouldn’t be wise to find myself on the wrong side of the law for indecent exposure and entering the ladies’ restrooms when I was, apparently, a man.
It was obvious what had happened: I’d stumbled across more of my superhero – or rather Fey – powers. I’d wished I could look like a swarthy man and now I did. The trouble was that I had no idea whether I could change back again. Amusing as this body was, I had zero desire to look like this in the long term. But it didn’t matter how hard I concentrated; I couldn’t seem to change myself back. I wondered if the genuine owner of my new body was now walking around somewhere looking like me. I had no idea how any of this worked.
While I didn’t want to stay like this, Iwasbeginning to enjoy it. I had to concentrate on walking in an appropriate fashion, strutting with my groin pushed out in front of me and my arms swinging. People took one glimpse at me and veered away. I was no longer the Madhatter; now I was the Mad Man – and, as Julie had suggested, it was far more fun playing the villain than the hero.
I swaggered down the mall’s concourse. A small child wearing a pink frilly dress dropped her lollipop as I passed and started to cry. Her mother put out a protective arm to guard her against me. Even the security guard in front of one of the more well-heeled shops appeared intimidated. I could get used to this.
I looked around. If Morgan thought I was evil – and if Ilookedevil – then, darn it, I was going to be evil. A girl needed to have some fun, after all.
I wound out of the mall and headed down the street towards the Travotel. As I passed a row of parked cars, I thumped each one, setting off various car alarms. Their piercing shriek was remarkably gratifying. I swung left and entered the hotel, marched straight up to the front desk and leaned against it. I allowed myself a brief sweep with my eyes. No sign of any ugly goonies – not that they’d have spotted me even if they were here. There was some advantage to looking like a slightly pinker version of the Incredible Hulk.
Although I recognised the woman behind the desk, she obviously didn’t recognise me. ‘Good morning, sir,’ she said with a forced smile. ‘How may I help you?’
‘I want to see the manager.’ The voice that came out of my mouth was entirely my own. Ah. Clearly it was only my appearance that had been altered. No wonder the red-car arsebadger had looked so flummoxed when I’d first spoken. I deepened my voice to a hoarse, gruff tone and tried again. ‘Get me Mike Timmons.’
She blinked rapidly, revealing her nervousness. ‘Do you have an appointment?’
I smiled at her and displayed my lack of good dentistry. ‘No. Tell him…’ I paused and thought about it. ‘Tell him Rubus is here to see him.’
‘He’s very busy,’ she began.
‘Look, lady,’ I said, enjoying myself immensely. ‘I want to see Mike Timmons and I want to see him now. When he hears that I’m waiting, he won’t be happy.’ I made a shooing motion. ‘Go and tell him.’ I checked my watch, realising too late that I wasn’t wearing one, although the Rolex I’d taken from one of the McNasties was still in my pocket. Then I simply growled, ‘He’s got five minutes.’
Her eyes widened. I could tell she desperately wanted to tell me to piss off but fortunately, afraid of what I might be capable of if refused, she decided to do as I asked. She turned away and opened the door leading into an office behind her.
I leaned over the desk and saw a nice pen on the other side. ‘I’m having this,’ I declared to no one in particular, swiping it and placing it in my pocket. I looked round. Unfortunately no one was in the lobby so my theft went unnoticed. Being evil was only really fun when other people were around to be horrified. Perhaps I could find an animal shelter and kick some kittens in front of would-be adopters. Then I grimaced; I was evil but I wasn’tthatevil.
The receptionist re-emerged. She kept her distance, even though the desk was already acting as a barrier between us. ‘Mr Timmons will be out shortly.’
Again I checked my invisible watch. ‘He’s only got three minutes and twenty seconds,’ I said, making it up as I went along, ‘before I kick up some hell.’ I paused. ‘Make that three minutes and ten seconds. Nine seconds. Eight seconds.’ This could go on for some time.
Towards my left there was a cough. I turned in its direction, spotting the man himself. ‘You … you’re not Rubus,’ Timmons stammered.
I pasted on a gruesome smile and stalked towards him, my arms held out wide. Before he could do anything, I drew him into a massive bear hug, squeezing him tightly so that all the air was pushed out of his lungs. ‘Appearances can be deceptive,’ I murmured in his ear. After all, if Rubus and I were both Fey, it stood to reason that Rubus could alter his appearance just like I had. I could be him, regardless of how I looked.
When I eventually released Timmons, he sprang backwards. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s been a long time. I didn’t recognise you immediately.’ He was virtually bowing and scraping at my feet. At least my ploy was working. ‘Come,’ he said. ‘I’ll show you to my office.’
I let him lead the way round the back of reception into a small, dingy room with only a tiny window to provide some natural light. Once inside, I stepped past him and sat at his desk. If he was thinking about arguing, it didn’t show on his face; he simply took the chair opposite.
‘To what do I owe the pleasure?’ he asked, twisting his hands in his lap.
I lifted my legs onto his desk and crossed them at the ankle after kicking away some papers that were in my way. ‘Before we get into that,’ I drawled, trying to remember to alter my voice, ‘do you recognise me now?’ I had to be sure before I fully relaxed; those McNasty bastards might still be around.
Timmons swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. ‘Rubus?’ he asked tentatively. ‘But obviously wearing a glamour.’ He swallowed again. ‘A very effective glamour, I might add. I’ve not seen one so well thought out before.’
I regarded him thoughtfully for a moment, absorbing the word ‘glamour’ and wondering whether he was telling the truth about its effectiveness or merely massaging my ego. Either way, I had to take full advantage of this situation while Timmons still believed that I was big, scary Rubus. Whoever Rubus was, I knew that Timmons was afraid of him. I could work with that.
‘It has come to my attention,’ I said gruffly, ‘that you recently had dealings with one of my … employees.’
Timmons’ green eyes flickered. ‘The Madhat— uh, Madrona. She was staying here, yes. But she sought me out, not the other way around. I would never approach one of your Fey, Rubus.’
‘Really?’ My voice was flat. ‘So you didn’t go to her room and demand that she gave you some dust?’
‘No! I wouldn’t do that!’
Lying arsebadger. ‘Madrona is a much-trusted employee. She asserts quite the opposite.’ I regarded Timmons with a steely eye. ‘Is she lying then?’
