Page 70 of Her Duke in Shining Armor
Her words painted a grave picture for Aaron as they neared a hackney and boarded it. What were they going to do about the Duke of Brisdane?
Chapter 19
Eleanor wanted to be held.
It was a strange sensation—one she had never felt in her life. Aaron had held her only twice but the strength she had felt at those times was calling to her. She felt that being in the cover of his arms would give her shelter from the storm of her haywire emotions. Her fortitude was chipping away and soon enough, if she did not get a hold of herself, tears would start streaming down her face.
She knew she wanted it, but was clueless about how to ask for it. It felt strange just thinking of the words, and even more, if he did, they were in the carriage. It did not matter how disguised she was, if she let Aaron hold her, the façade would crumble to dust and her disguise would be worthless.
So, she swallowed it.
The pain of knowing what her mother had suffered for years upon years was breaking down her spirit with every rotation of the carriage wheels. It felt like a series of heated forks jamming themselves into her chest over and over again. The carriage came to Piccadilly and her left hand clutched the book to her lap whilst she tried to stave off the pain.
Aaron softly took her right hand and gently unfolded her fingers, which were curled in a tight bloodless fist. Fearing pity or sorrow in his look, she dared to glance over to Aaron whose eyes were still…steady. She feared her eyes were trembling.
“You don’t have to hold it all in, Eleanor. You’re not alone,” Aaron said softly.
How she wished she could believe that.
“I…” Eleanor’s voice was strained. “How can that be…it truly is just me.”
“Not if you let me in,” Aaron corrected.
“I have changed…” Eleanor said quietly, surprising him and herself. “I find myself tired. There are some days when I feel weak, but I don’t show it. There are days when I feel alone and cannot reach out to anyone because no one thinks I can be vulnerable. I hide, Aaron, I hide behind books and facts and knowledge and…that is who I thought I was, but…”
The words were slipping out of her mouth before she could control them. “I don’t want to be so clinical and matter-of-fact anymore. I just don’t know how to break away from it. And now, just as I want to do it, to break free, I am forced to go back into that box and continue on that path. I need to figure out what happened and get revenge for my mother…and I think if I confront the truth…I might break.”
Her last words were quiet, barely a breath, but were shocking to the both of them. This conversation should not be had in a carriage, but it spilled out anyway.
“Eleanor…are you willing to let me help you?” Aaron asked. “You’ve looked out for yourself for years, there was no aunt, uncle, or anyone to care for you. Will you let all those barricaded walls down and let me help you? Not halfway, not a fraction. I don’t want you to shut me out, Eleanor.”
The carriage came up to Grosvenor Square and Eleanor had still not answered the question.
“Eleanor?”
“Yes,…” she replied, “Yes, please.”
With forceful taps to the roof, signaling to the driver that he should stop, Aaron waited until the carriage pulled over, alighted and helped her out. “Why did we stop here?”
“The carriage was suffocating you,” Aaron replied. “You needed air.”
Her tiny gasps proved his words to be true. They were near to Mayfair anyway so a small walk to Aaron’s house would not hurt her.
“How are you going to explain your absence?” Aaron asked as they entered the street. With a hand on her shoulder, he guided her ono the opposite walk. The new direction meant that instead of passing by her drive, they would circle around to Aaron’s house instead.
Eleanor had not thought that through. How could she have in the midst of a breakdown? “I don’t know.”
Those words felt abnormal coming from her and she blinked in shock. She had always had a plan of action to work with; now, she realized, instead of planning, she was reacting. Matters would come up and she followed her gut instinct instead of thinking it through completely.
“I really don’t,” Eleanor sighed. “I suppose I will just have to take whatever punishment I get. I have no excuse to give and that is it.”
She heard the tiredness in her tone. The trees lining the drive gave both of them some shade from the overly-warm sun. Aaron’s hand stalled her. Luckily, they were under another tree, this one with broad leaves that were a blanket overhead.
He did not say anything at first and felt a bit self-conscious.
“Aaron?”
There was an emotion in his eyes that Eleanor could not decipher and with all the problems rolling around in her mind, she did not have the strength to pick it apart. Thankfully, Aaron just shook his head.
