Page 37 of An Unbending Lady for the Desperate Earl
With equal daring, she lifted her hand and covered his with hers. She had seen a husband and wife stand this way, as they watched their child lowered into the ground one frosty winter’s afternoon. The earth had been so cold that it had frozen solid, requiring the assistance of an entire neighborhood to dig that agonizingly small trench.
My heart is not soft enough for this.What should have been a moment of secret comfort, and perhaps an unspoken thrill at his touch, brought nothing but dark memories. Truly, she did not know if she was capable of happiness after everything she had witnessed in this world. Why give one’s heart away, when something could come along and destroy it? Why risk having a heart broken, one way or another, when one could keep their heart safely behind high walls, avoiding such pain by stark prevention?
“What do we do, Victoria?” he whispered.
About what?she wanted to say.About this case, or about your hand on my shoulder, and my hand on yours?
“I do not know,” she replied, for that served both purposes.
Chapter 16
Having left the Duchess of Sopworth in the capable hands of her husband, who had returned from his meeting with Lord Marchmont, Christian and Victoria made their way to the office that Victoria shared with Benedict. They had left the bereft mother with hopeful sentiments, though Christian did not know what ideas Victoria had, in order to proceed from this latest turn of events.
He could still feel the hard contour of her shoulder beneath his palm, if he closed his eyes. He could feel the soft touch of her hand on his, too, if he paused to dwell upon it. He knew it shouldn’t, but it brought a warmth to his heart that he had never experienced before, in all his years. Truthfully, he would have taken her hand again, as they sat together in the carriage, but he’d lost his nerve.
I am betrothed to another. I am betrothed to a lady who has been captured by villains and may be suffering greatly at this very moment. How despicable a gentleman must I be, to be looking at another with such fond eyes, and warmth in my heart?Yet, every time he stole a glance at Victoria, that warmth spread deeper, like the roots of a tree, burrowing far beneath the surface. In such a short, yet intense, space of time, those roots had buried so deep that, if he were to rid himself of them, he feared the emptiness would destroy him.
I cannot be without you, Victoria.He kept thinking of life after this mission was over, and it filled him with dread instead of joy. Of course he desired to have Lady Helena restored to her family, alive and well. Nothing would change that. But the idea of marrying her and keeping his promise to his parents… that had changed irrevocably. Before, he had accepted the betrothal with the duty and honor expected of an Earl, and an eldest son. But now? He felt a different, higher power leading his thoughts, urging him toward an alternative course of action. Though only time would tell which path he chose, if and when Lady Helena came back.
“You seem awfully quiet.” Victoria shattered the silence between them. “Have the London Docks shocked you into becoming a mute?”
He flinched out of his private reverie. “Pardon?”
“You have not said a word since we left Mayfair. I thought the sight of how the ordinary folks of London live might have rendered you mute.” She mustered a smile, but it didn’t reach those remarkable eyes of hers. “Or is it simply exhaustion, claiming you at last? I confess, it took many years to acquire the constitution I currently possess. Now, I may go days without rest, but when I first began, I used to curl up in the back of my father’s cart, under a potato sack, and sleep whilst he continued on in his investigations.”
“You have led, and still lead, an extraordinary existence, Victoria,” he replied, in awe of her tenacity. “I can hardly imagine you as a child. My mother would have called you an ‘old soul.’”
“Am I to take that as a compliment?” she eyed him suspiciously.
“It is intended as one,” he said, chuckling.
Victoria sighed. “In all honesty, I can hardly remember what it was like to be a child. I didn’t have much of a childhood. Then again, most who do not live in privileged society would say the same.”
“What would you do with your own children, were you to have them?” Christian blurted out, not knowing why.
Victoria snorted. “I haven’t a single maternal bone in my body.”
“I hardly believe that.” Christian cleared his throat. “You told me about your discussion with Miss Longacre, remember? How she knew you from the orphanage in Poplar. Your actions there do not sound like the actions of someone without a maternal bone in their body.”
Victoria had regaled Christian with everything that had gone on in Miss Longacre’s chambers, on their journey between that house and his own townhouse, prior to the discovery that Lady Jane had been taken. It had prompted him to see Victoria in a slightly different light—a softer light, that he hadn’t seen before then.
“I care about the welfare of children, that is true, but I have seen so many of them without anyone to call family. And I have seen so many who have been left to die in the bitterest of winters. And I have seen them battered, and bruised, and hurt until their eyes stare vacantly from the horrors they have endured. How could I have children of my own, when there are so many in this world who need to be loved?” She turned her face away, though not before Christian spotted the tear trickling down her cheek.
“What would you do, if you could?” Christian encouraged, his heart aching for her.
She shrugged. “Open an orphanage of my own and bring in as many children as possible. I would feed them, clothe them, teach them, and love them, so they no longer had to feel alone. I would give them the tools necessary to survive in this world. So, perhaps I do have a maternal instinct, but not for any children of my own womb. I couldn’t forgive myself, if I were to bring my own child into this world, knowing there are so many who would better benefit from my care.”
An idea exploded into Christian’s mind. A way that he could continue to be near Victoria, once this case was finished, even if he could not be with her. It would tear him up inside, not to be able to love her or hold her or show romantic affection toward her, but at least he wouldn’t completely lose her. That was far worse.
“Once we have located these missing ladies, might I make a proposal?” Christian said shyly.
She turned, her mouth agape. “What sort of… proposal?”
Why did she say it like that?That last word held so much weight that it made his heart clatter against his ribcage. Did she feel the same way about him, that he felt about her? Would she relish the thought of marrying him, or would she have snorted in his face, in her derisive manner? Not that it mattered—that was not the sort of proposal he meant. At least, not outwardly.
“Might I offer you some money, to open this orphanage? I would be your benefactor, and I would be only too happy to aid in the running of it, if you would allow me.”
Victoria’s mouth gaped wider. “You would… do that?” She paused. “But, will you not be married once this is over? Will you and Lady Helena not retreat to your house in Cornwall, to live out the rest of your days in marital bliss?”
