Page 15 of Tell Me Everything
“It's not easy.”
Oh God, he knew. Alex hadn't had an easy time putting his life back together, but he was trying. Even if he struggled half the time. Life was a fucking mess, but it was necessary to move forward. He wanted her to move on and get better.
Elena looked up at him. For the first time, she was able to look him in the eye. She was ready. Alex stood up and handed her her jacket.
“I'm in my pyjamas.”
“I'm not sure your brother would have minded. Let's go.”
He expected her to find more excuses. She just rubbed her eyes before nodding. Alex ruffled her hair, and she swatted his hand away, a small smile on her lips.
Elena stayed silent on the drive there, twisting her fingers. When they arrived, Alex waited for her to react, but Elena was lost in her thoughts.
“Do you want me to wait here?”
Unlike what he had expected, she shook her head. In the distance, they could see Maura and Frank returning to their car. Once they were gone, Alex and Elena got out of the Polo. He put his hand on her back. She was trembling.
“Don't worry, princess, you're not alone.”
***
Elena
Seeing my brother's grave had made me realize a few things.One, Mick was dead, and he would never come back to me. I had known this objectively, but seeing his grave three years later only confirmed what I'd been trying to ignore all this time. It made my sadness grow, something I'd thought impossible. Apparently, there's no limit to the amount of pain a human heart can feel. The only thing that changes is that you get used to it.
Two, I hadn't heard from my best friend in days. We'd never been the duo who sent messages to each other every day, but for the anniversary of my brother's death, I'd hoped for a little support from her. I hadn't heard from her in over a week. Yet she had seen my messages. Was this how our friendship was going to end? Ignoring each other? It sure looked that way.
Three, I didn't want to die. When I saw the grave, I had prepared myself to feel even more guilty for having been the one who lived, but I hadn’t. I was sure Alex's presence had a lot to do with it.
And four, I didn't want to lead the life I was leading now. But I was a coward. And so scared. My only ticket out had been taken away from me on the day of my accident. Now I was stuck in a life I didn't want, while being unable to get out of it. And that realization was the worst of all. The therapist was watching me, her lips pursed. I'd been sitting on her couch for half an hour without saying a word.
“Elena, I'm afraid you're shutting yourself off again. Please tell me how you feel?”
Sad? Distraught? Completely overwhelmed? So many options came to mind, but I didn't know which one to choose. I was so tired.
“What difference would it make if I stopped talking? It’s not like my words have any value.”
“That's where you're wrong. You're just as important as any other person.”
I felt the emptiness in my chest deepen. Yes, I was asimportant as any other person, but no, my word wasn’t worth shit. If someone could make my parents understand that, just like my brother (rest in peace), I, too, had a soul and feelings, and that I was worth as much as he was, I'd appreciate that. Except that nobody would do it. That was the reality I found myself stuck in.
“I don't feel like a person. I don't even feel human anymore. Just an indelible stain people are trying to get rid of at all costs. So what does it matter?”
Stacy smiled, tears shining in her eyes. I had just insinuated that my life was worthless and that I could probably disappear without anyone noticing my absence. Why did she look so relieved?
“This is the first time you've been honest in a session. You're finally ready to get better.”
I didn't feel ready at all. As always, it felt like everything in my life was going wrong, and I couldn't keep my head above water. I was sinking, again and again. I was used to this sinking feeling by now. And I never hit bottom. That, too, had become familiar.
“I don't feel ready.”
“But you are.”
***
Kelsey walked into my room and plopped down on the couch. No hello, no kiss, nothing. She looked like she'd come here to talk business. She was usually so happy and bubbly, I hardly recognized her. I felt like I was facing a wall.
“Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for over a week.”
