Page 9 of Tell Me Everything
“If I accept that, I'll fall apart. And there'll be no one to help me up.”
That was the sad truth. I had to make it on my own.
“I'll help you.”
A shiver ran down my spine. I rubbed my arms nervously and shook my head. He had to stop thisnow. He had to go. “No, you won’t. Nobody does. Right now, you believe that you will be there, but you'll leave me.Everyoneleaves. So don't let me believe in something that won't happen. That's just cruel.”
I waited for Alex to argue. My expectations flew out the window when his gaze turned kind. This guy was way too wise and mature for someone our age.
“Maybe you should see this healing period as an opportunity to get better, not as a punishment.”
I'd heard that sermon before. I raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. Doctor Petit had told me the same thing a few hours earlier. Needless to say, I didn't believe it. Besides, why had he come to my house to play preacher?
Seeing that I wasn't answering, Alex continued, “This wouldbe the perfect time to solve some issues.”
“What do you care?” I looked at him in disbelief. For a brief moment, I hesitated to throw a pillow at him.
Alex let out a quiet laugh. “Don't give me that look. Actually, I'm just telling you what my therapist once told me.”
“You...” I began, unsure. “Are you seeing a shrink?”
“Not anymore, but I've seen one for years.”
My curiosity was piqued. I had to see one because, supposedly, I had several traumas to overcome. Which meant Alex was like me. This revelation took me aback. I wanted to hate him so he could get out of my life. But maybe he was broken too. I felt sad for him. As much as I wanted him to leave and never come back, I couldn't help wishing he hadn't had to see a shrink for the same reasons I had: death, denial, self-destructive behaviour... Or worse. Whatever that implied.
“Don't look at me with those sad eyes. I'm all right.”
Oh no.I couldn't let my mask slip in front of him. I couldn't bear it. I sniffed and looked the other way, pretending not to care.
“I didn’t ask.”
Alex let his head fall back. He saw me as a puzzle he was desperate to solve. There was nothing mysterious about me. I was just a girl trying to show others that I was okay. Not that I was convincing anyone these days. Especially not myself.
“You really do have a heart of stone sometimes.”
It was the illusion I’d tried to show for years. Now that someone had confirmed that I was made of stone, my heart sank. I didn't want to be like this—I'd never wanted to be like this. But how could I protect myself if I let people in? The only thing that comes from trust is pain and deception. I knew that. I'd learned that lesson a long time ago. So even though Alex looked at me with those gentle, patient eyes, I couldn't let myself get dragged into this mess. I wasn't strong enough to get back upif he decided I wasn't good enough. And I wasn't good enough. That, too, had been established long ago.
Chapter 6
Elena
The moment Alex walked through the door, I wanted to scratch his eyes out. He hadn't done anything wrong; it didn't change the fact that his mere presence irritated me. His pity made me nauseous. Even if he was here willingly, I couldn't stand the way he looked at me. That sad, helpless look... He made me feel weak and like I was stuck, and I abhorred that feeling. Even though, objectively speaking, yes, I was weak and pretty much stuck. But I didn't want to feel that way. And yet when Alex was around, I couldn't help feeling useless and powerless.
He sat across from me at the kitchen table, and I did my best to ignore him. Maybe if I ignored him long enough, Alex would eventually grow bored and leave. And so, our paths would part, and everything would return to normal.Normal.Sadness gnawed at me. Why did thinking about normality make me feel so lonely?
“Let's go to the Botanical Gardens,” Alex suggested, snapping me out of my head. “The weather's nice today.”
He gave me a sweet smile, and the urge to scream consumed me. Alex always looked like he could read me. But he couldn’t read me, right? I could feel my pulse quickening and my palms getting sweaty. He had to get out of here.Now.
“Go away!”
My biting tone shocked me, but Alex kept smiling. Why was he staying? No one was that patient and kind.No one. Especially not him. I didn't know why he was so stubborn about helping me. Alex wasn't known to be a nice person. If I annoyed him long enough, he'd eventually give up. There was no room in mylife for him and his pity. It would only cause more pain. My eyes burned. Why was I so weak? For God's sake, I wasn't going to cry in front of him! My mother came into the kitchen and I lowered my eyes. Great, just what I needed.
“Maura, I was thinking of taking Elena to the Botanical Gardens. What do you think?”
“What a wonderful idea! Elena, get dressed. Some fresh air will do you good.”
Is this a joke to him?I left the kitchen without saying a word, wondering why life kept testing me like that, but I was getting used to things never going according to plan.
