Page 62 of Tell Me Everything
Alex lay on his side, and I held my breath. As always, I was unnecessarily worrying; I couldn't help it. He watched me in silence. I could almost hear the cogwheels in his head as he was thinking. Alex hesitated.
“Would you like to be my girlfriend, but for real?”
His question caught me off guard. It shouldn’t have—he'd already confessed his feelings. And yet, despite all his efforts, I still couldn't get used to the idea that someone like Alex could be interested in someone like me. Except for a broken heart, I had nothing to offer. He knew that.
“I'd love to.”
“I feel like a ‘but’ is coming.”
This man was reading me like an open book, to the pointwhere it was unsettling. I shuddered.
“I just don't think it's the right time,” I admitted in a low voice.
“You never think it's the right time.”
I felt the need to explain myself. I didn't want there to be a misunderstanding between us simply because I couldn't express my feelings properly. I wanted to be with him, more than anything, but first I wanted to become worthy of him.
“Alex, how am I supposed to love you right if I can't love myself? I want to be with you. When you’re with me, I feel like I can overcome anything. I feel like I’m worth something. But I need to understand that I'm just as worthy when you're not around.”
“What are you going to do?” he asked, holding his breath.
A huge shadow hovered over my head; it had been there for a while. I simply couldn't ignore it anymore. Alex sounded so hopeful that it was difficult to swallow. It was time for me to face the truth. I had to get on with my life and finally move on.
“I think it's time I braved my problems, don't you?”
Alex remained silent, but nodded. I was a coward.
“I know it's selfish of me to ask, but do you think you could wait for me?”
“No.”
I didn't know which hurt more: his neutral face or his decisive tone. I was aware I was asking too much—Ialwaysasked too much—and yet I hadn’t expected Alex to reject my question so fast. I swallowed.
“Okay.”
“I'm not going to stand here like an idiot while you deal with your problems. I'll be with you every step of the way.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. Alex's face lost all its colour. Why was he looking so worried? All I wanted was to kiss him until we were breathless.
“Why are you crying? What did I do wrong?”
“You didn't do anything wrong,” I stammered, crying like a baby. “Thank you.”
Chapter 23
Elena
Alex had been looking outside for over an hour, lost in thought, and I didn't know whether to get him out of it or not. Ever since I told him that I wanted to confront my demons the day before, he had been in some kind of trance, seemingly fighting an inner battle. When I got up to go to the kitchen, he snapped out of his torpor. All I wanted to do was run and hug him, and tell him everything would be all right. Seeing him so sad was like a punch in the gut. But I didn't. Right now, he was too fragile for me to rush over to him. This time, Alex would have to decide when or if he wanted to come to me.
“Are you leaving?”
“No, I was just going to grab a snack. Do you want me to leave?”
Perhaps this wasn't the best time to talk. Alex was still shaken. Who was that man? And what had happened to put Alex in such a state of distress?
“Why would I want you to leave?” he asked.
“Maybe you need time to collect your thoughts?”
