Page 74 of Tell Me Everything
Nina turned back to me. I gave a questioning glance at Sophie, who looked just as lost as me. “Can I ask you aquestion?”
It wasn't often that Nina took a serious tone. I already knew I wasn't going to like what happened next. I nodded anyway, waiting to hear what she wanted to ask.
“Don't you feel like you're leading Alex on?”
My heart skipped a beat. This was the blow I'd been waiting for, only worse. I had expected an unpleasant question. This one had the same effect as a punch in the stomach. Sophie's instincts kicked in.
“It's none of our business,” said the little blonde. “You shouldn't ask such things. Lena, ignore her.”
“I just want to understand,” Nina replied. “Alex follows her around like an enamoured puppy. I'd like to know why you're giving him hope if you have no intention of going out with him.”
That was indeed what I was doing, wasn't I? I let him run after me, making promises that hadn’t led anywhere. We'd finally set things straight, gone on our first date, and that was it. Nina was right.
Her gaze softened, which made me feel even more guilty. Everyone looked at me like I was this little thing that would break at the slightest unpleasant word.
“I'm not blaming you. I just want to understand what's going on in that head of yours.”
How was I supposed to make them understand what was going on in there? The more I thought, the less clear things became. I took a deep breath, running my hands through my hair. I tugged at a few strands.
“I don't want to start a relationship with Alex while my life is a total mess,” I began, uncertain. “He's already seen things he shouldn’t have. If we date now, he'll only be more concerned, and I don't want that for him. I don't want that for myself, so if I can spare Alex, I will.”
There it was. Nina put her hand on mine.
“Don't you think that's his choice to make?”
She was right, once again. I should give Alex the choice instead of making these kinds of decisions on my own, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't inflict my life on Alex, just as I couldn't inflict the consequences on myself. I looked down at my hands, unable to meet my friends' gaze.
“I don't know. If we were together now, he'd feel even more like he has to save me. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want him to feel like he has to fix me when that’s my job.”
The image I had of my life was that of a broken vase. I couldn't expect anyone else to try to put the pieces together. Alex was already doing too much. If Alex fixed me, I wouldn't know how to live without him or his magic glue. I couldn't give that power to anyone. If he ever realized that I wasn't good enough for him and decided to leave, there would be nothing left of me.
When we were together, I tried to look confident. In reality, I was just as scared as Alex was, if not more so. I already knew I wasn't good enough for him, but I still wanted to do my best to become better, for him and for me. That way, the day he’d realize all this, I wouldn't be completely destroyed. Alex loved me now, and I trusted him, but that didn’t mean forever. One day, he'd figure out what he was worth, and apart from a wounded heart, I had nothing to offer him.
“You're crying,” Sophie remarked. “Well done, Nina.”
Sophie pulled me against her and stroked my hair like a mother would. The kind of mother I didn't have. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't feel like crying in a café, even if no one was watching.
“I'm sorry,” Nina murmured.
***
Alex
Alex had texted Elena to see if everything had gone well with Nina, as the situation had seemed rather tense. For several hours, she’d been offline. That didn’t feel right. Normally, she was very responsive.
The doorbell rang, and Alex went to check. It was past ten at night. Who the fuck would come at this hour? Alex was surprised to see Elena in front of him. What was she doing here, and where had she come from? She was drenched from head to toe by the rain.
He stepped aside to let her in. Alex handed her a towel and a pair of pyjamas. She must be freezing. Instead of leaving to change, Elena stood with her clothes in hand, staring into space. Her eyes were red, like she'd been crying.
“Are you okay?”
This question shook her out of her trance. She looked around Alex's room, surprised how she'd ended up there. What had happened with Nina to make her so upset?
“Yes.”
“Tell me.”
“I'm fine.”
