Page 123 of Wild Card
She sighs heavily and carries on with an edge of exasperation to her tone. “That means that our foundation will always be off-kilter if you can’t at least try to work this thing out. You both need to untangle this massive knot. If you don’t, it means we could spend the rest of our lives together, but I will always be the person who ruined this for you. I’ll be the thing that came between you and the possibility of what could have been. It means that you can’t just run and not talk to him. You can’t shut down when shit like this happens.”
“I highly doubt he wants to talk to me.”
“No. Because we hurt him! But he’s your son, so you try anyway! And you never, never give up on him!” she exclaims, her own pain flaring in her eyes. I swallow roughly, dropping her gaze because I know this relationship is a tender spot for her. “Man, sometimes you have the emotional intelligence of a gnat, and quite frankly, so does he. Must be hereditary.”
My molars grind. “Why is he even still in town? If he’s so furious with me and hates me so much, then why is he still here? The amount of time he spends contributing to the economy by staying in that hotel is fucking absurd unless he’s still after you.”
She scoffs at that. “Get real. He basically called me sloppy seconds. I promise you, he is not after me. But heisupset. Tripp isn’t just young; he’s immature and insecure. He has no idea what he wants. All he knows is that he grew up feeling unwanted—a feeling I know well—and in turn he likes having things that other people want. That’s his only interest in me, and we both know it. I reached out to himfor you. Because I want this relationship for you—and deep down, he wants a relationship with you too.That’swhy he hangs around. But like you, he doesn’t know how to say it.”
I swallow. She thinks he still wants a relationship with me?
“I wanted to help smooth this over for you. I think Tripp deserved to know how we met and what happened and what a good person you are. And so I did my part to help explain it all to him.For you.”
The weight of that statement is almost more than I can bear. I’ve always thought I wanted fatherhood. I’ve wanted to be better than the one I had.
But now with the reality of it staring me in the face, I’m…terrified.
“Gwen, be real. You two have history. He’s here for you. He doesn’t care about me.”
“See that?” She points at me. “That right there is a problem.”
I cross my arms, my brows dropping low on my forehead. “What’s a problem?”
“That attitude, Bash. It’s all bluster. You’re full of shit.” She sighs, and I can hear the frustration in it. “I really like you. I like you more than I’ve ever liked a man before. I think you’re it for me, but I’m not spending a lifetime with you tiptoeing around these subjects. We need to lay it out on the table, and if you really are carrying any deep-seated resentment against me for having dated Tripp, then you need to work through it. Because I can’t change it and I won’t be made to feel guilty for it for the rest of my life. I have apologized. I have shown up. I have chosenyouat every turn and you throwing that history in my face just to avoid facing your own feelings isn’t going to cut it. I won’t tolerate it.”
A feeling of cold dread crawls down my spine, and her words pummel me as I retreat further back into the old version of myself—the one who believes the universe takes everything away from him.
“And what the hell is that supposed to mean, Gwen?” I say, tightness in my chest making it almost hard to breathe. Every joint feels rigid and my brain spirals, diving down, as I feel her retreat coming.
I realize that this could be the beginning of the end. Over before we ever really started. I’m smart enough to put together the ultimatum in her words, but I need to hear it loud and clear to know where I stand.
“What are you going to do? Take that job and skip town?” I ask, already dreading her answer.
Her lips press together tightly, eyes dancing over my face. “I’m going to go out and I’m going to leave you to think about this.”
“Leave me to think about this?” I repeat. “So is this the end? You just run along to the next stop? Guess you did warn me you don’t stay in one place for long.”
She rears back like I’ve slapped her, and I instantly regret my words. I’d like to reach across the kitchen and pluck them right out of the air. Tell her she misheard me.
But she didn’t. I can tell by the way she steels herself.
“The end of what, Bash? We’re just getting started. You can’t get rid of me that easily. The problem is we can’t start off properly without you addressing these issues. You can’t just sulk and play the victim every time the going gets tough. You need to own your shit. We both know what we have is real. This is it for me and nothing is going to change that. But you still need to reach out to your son and make amends with him. We hurt him, and yes, it needed to be done, but that was a god-awful way to find out. So rather than acting like he wronged you, put your heart in your hand and go talk to him.”
She’s right.
I hate that she’s right.
“And while you’re at it, you need to do a little soul-searching to figure out if you can let go of the way we started so we can focus on what we are and what we’re going to be. Because I can’t handle feeling guilty for something that I would never have done on purpose. I won’t sign up for walking around on eggshells in my own home, trying to figure out what’s wrong or if I’ve offended you. It’s stressful and unhealthy, and I’ve lived that story already. I’m not doing it again. I deserve more than that. But most of all, Bash,youdeserve more than that.”
Her words cut deep. They leave me speechless, which is probably just as well because it seems like anything I say just digs a deeper hole.
She looks at me, waiting for me to respond, but I don’t.
Ican’t.
She shakes her head with a disappointed sigh and then turns, leaving the room. “Excuse me while Irun along to the next stop.”
All I do is watch as the most precious person in the world to me walks away.
