Page 15 of The Biggest Secret
So, last night held all the feelings. I was jittery pulling into the parking lot at the stadium. I was jumpy climbing the stands. And I got butterflies when I looked at Adam for the first time again in years. Then I sawherput her arm around Adam, and I was seeing red. Certifiable, crazy jealousy overwhelmed me, and if it wasn’t for Billy intercepting our standoff, I may have done something I shouldn’t have. Something like rip that arm of hers from her body and beat her with it.
Ok that’s harsh. And I’m a mom. I can’t think like that. Violence is never the answer.
But it made for a nice little daydream.
Seeing him again had all kinds of thoughts and feelings that I didn’t think I had left in me bubbling to the surface. Adam always made my heart race. His ice blue eyes were a downfall for me, the intensity in them. Now I see them every morning when my son climbs into bed to wake me up.
Our son.
I already know what you think of me. And now you want to know; why did I run?
The short answer is that I couldn’t be second choice for one more minute. There was also no way I’d become first choice through guilt. I wanted Adam to choose me and choose our son. I didn’t want him choosing me because he had to, because we accidentally got pregnant.
I’ve seen firsthand what happens when you don’t put the one you love first. Resentment builds and it’s taken out on the wrong people. My father put gambling and alcohol ahead of my mom. My sister’s fiancé put other women ahead of her. I swore I wouldn’t be another statistic like that.
Abandonment issues at a young age played a huge part in how my adult life took shape. I don’t mean that a man should drop all responsibilities just so he can stare at me all day long, but maybe he shouldn’t cancel dates at the last minute. Maybe he could send a text in the morning, and definitely don’t disappear for days at a time. Adam’s priorities have always been work, work, and work. When we were in college, he studied all the time. He needed to be the best, top of his class. At the time, I admired that work ethic and his drive.
Adam never cheated on me, he never partied to excess, and he never laid a harmful hand on me. But there are other ways to damage a relationship, and not maintaining a connection is number one in my book.
It’s what hedidn’tdo.
Adam didn’t explain his relationship with Grace, before he brought me back to live in Christmas with him. In fact, he never mentioned it at all. But according to her? They were full-on. And that only led to more insecurities and more spiraling on my part. Knowing my background, I think Adam should have kept the one girl who I saw had a crush on him, away from me. Maybe tape her mouth shut from the lies she loved to spew. Maybe explain to me why she always seemed to turn up when we were ‘on a break!’ And yes, I yelled that the same way Ross yelled at Rachel.
I’m thankful for my sister, because when I needed space, I’d run to her house. Things were rocky with Adam and so I did what I did best, packed a few bags and moved in with her for a few weeks.
But I was still too close, I needed a bigger buffer zone. During one of those times of hiatus,Grace stopped me on the street while I was on my lunch hour. Just the sight of her made my blood pressure rise so when she had a nasty smirk, I knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say.It wasn’t the first time she tried to lay doubt. It also always seemed to happen when Adam and I were going through a rough patch. Grace is a master manipulator of words.
“Chelsea, I need to be honest with you because I’d want someone to tell me. When you leave him like you do, he comes to me. He’s not always working. That’s just what he tells you. He’s very good at hiding it, not even his brothers know. But we’re not hiding anymore. And since you’re always running, you should just stay away. He has needs, Chelsea, and I’m meeting them now.”
Grace’s faux concern irked the shit out of me, but her words struck deep. They made my worst fears and insecurities pop right to the surface. Adam was toggling between her and I, just like my dad used to do to my mom.
And so I took off. I ran.
My therapist would have had a field day with that. All those visits, wasted. They taught me nothing.
Looking back now, in my heart of hearts, I’m positive she was lying. I think she said all that to make me jealous, to make me mad, and to make me leave Adam for good.
It worked.
Then I found out I was pregnant. It explained why I felt crazy and out of control. My hormones were making me nuts.
I was scared to death because it could go one of two ways. One, I would tell Adam and he would step up because that’s what he does. Or two, I would tell him, he would step up, and nothing would change. I’d be sitting home every night alone.
No. This wasmybaby and I wouldnotbe second choice.
And just as expected, the night I planned on telling him that we were two about to be three, he bailed on me, without so much as a text until hours later.
Adam: Francesca needs help. I’m moving her back home, I’ll come by your house in the morning.
That was all I got. The morning came, Adam didn’t, and it was the final straw. I left and didn’t come back home. I avoided his texts and calls. I even avoided the girls calls. I couldn’t do it. I was in a state of shock, hormones running crazy and I also had to navigate coming to terms that I was having a baby with a man who, at the time, I thought had possibly cheated on me with a woman, but always cheated on me with work.
Placing some scrambled eggs and toast in front of Dom on the table, I hear a knock on the door. Thinking that maybe it’s Adley who forgot her key again, I open the door to find Farrah on my front step with coffees in hand, presumably from her coffee shop Roasted Chestnut. I used to love all the goodies from her bakery.
“Morning! Hope I’m not intruding, but I wanted to stop by and see how you’re settling in,” she says.
“Oh, uh, no, it’s fine, come on in. I was just getting breakfast ready for Dominic.” We walk around my small kitchen slash living room. “I’m sorry for the mess; this place is a little small for the three of us.” I’m quickly trying to pick up shoes and put away toys.
“Its fine, don’t worry. I actually wanted to talk to you about that.” I look at her and she looks a little guilty. “I spoke with Britt, and she said she’d ask Bobby, see if anything is available,” she looks down and back up. “She’s on her way here to meet me, I thought she’d be able to help you find something bigger.”
