Page 52 of The Biggest Secret
Tears run down my face. I’ve broken us and I don’t know if we’llever get past it. I knew when I met this man, he’d either be the life or the death of me. He had the power to shatter me if I let him. And I wasn’t strong enough to stop myself from letting it happen.
We’re facing each other, he on one side of the kitchen island, me on the other. “If we could go back, would you do it again? Would you keep the secret, or would you tell me?” Adam pleads for a different outcome.
Would I have left? Stayed? I honestly don’t know. Hindsight is 20/20 of course and seeing how his family responded to me coming back, I’d like to say that I would have stayed. I’d like to say I would have told him, and we could have been happy together.
“I’m not perfect but I would have been there. Whatever you needed, I would have done,” he declares.
“But would you have wanted to?” I question him tentatively, afraid to know the answer.
“Of course, I would have wanted to! There’s been nobody but you since I was twenty years old! But you took that choice from me.” His hands are gripping the island. “He’s my son, Chelsea! I love him now and I would have then. We would have figured it out.”
“I didn’t want to be something to figure out. I wanted us to be the first pick. First choice. First love.”
He rips his hat from his head again and is pulling at his hair furiously now. “But what does first mean to you? Youweremy first love, Chelsea! You still are! I’ve been trying to do it all, be all for everyone. There’s so much pressure on me to take care of them. Dad left the business to me, but I still employ him. This is his and Mom’s life. And Billy! I had to make sure Billy got his life straightened out. I let him work for me so I can keep an eye on him. And I had to get Francesca home, and Tom need?—”
“Adam! Do you hear yourself? You can’t be everything to everyone! Billy can take care of himself. I think he acts like he can’t just so you’ll feel needed.” He blanches at that. “And Tom is doing very well for himself. If you haven’t noticed, he and Farrah seem to be spending time together. A lot of it. So, he’s not alone. And Chess has Jackson now.”
“But it’s always been me. They depend on me, and I like that. It’s my purpose.”
“It’s not purpose, it’s control, Adam.” I stand firmly in my declaration.
With a mocking tone he says, “Control? When it comes to you, I have none.” He clears his throat and speaks softer now. “I had no control over falling in love with you, Chelsea. It just happened. It’s like the universe just knew it was always supposed to be us.” His words float around the room. I had no control over it, either. It was instantaneous even though I fought that feeling all the way. If I had allowed myself to trust, I probably wouldn’t have put us in this position.
“Then let it be your time, Adam. Let it be our time. You have to chooseyounow. Choose Dom.”
Choose me.
But I would never ask that of him.I’m still afraid I won’t get the answer I need.
His grip loosens on the island. He seems defeated. He has no fight and I’ve never seen this look on him before. He doesn’t allow himself to be vulnerable. I walk around to the island to be near him.
“I was so mad at you,” I whisper.
“Was there someone else?” He chokes these words out. The look in his eyes, its tangible pain, pleading with me to say no, there was no one but him.
I shake my head. “No. Never, Adam. It’s only been you.”
His body relaxes slightly. “Why did you come back, Chels? Why are you here? I know you said you came back for Dominic, so he had his family. But what about you? What do you want out of this?”
Taking a deep breath, I speak the words that if not heard,really heardby Adam, can crush me for good. “I want this. I want you. I want our family. I want to be first. I want Dom to be first.”
When he just stares at me, I answer the question again. “Why did I come back? Because I love you. Is that enough? Is it enough that the whole reason why I exist is to love you?”
Chapter Thirty-Two
ADAM
“Because I love you. Is that enough? Is it enough that the whole reason why I exist is to love you?”
My heart rate increases, and I can feel the elation running through my body. I’ve waited so long to hear her say she loves me again. I knew I’d never get over her. There was no other choice for me but to wait for her.But I failed that waiting period. It makes me a hypocrite to say but thank fucking Christ she was not with anyone else while we were apart. I’d have to find him and bury him.
“I thought it was us until the end, Chelsea. I know we had things to work out, I know we weren’t always the best, but I never thought it was that bad that you’d leave me without a word.”
Being with Chelsea for years, I know her story. I know her father chose his vices over his family. Chelsea and her sister were both young when he started staying out, but they saw the toll it took on their mother. It was the three of them trying to get by for so long, and when her fatherwould come back intermittently and try to step into the role of authoritarian, it messed with her mind. She couldn’t put it together that a father figure came and went when that was not how the rest of the world viewed fatherhood.
A father cared for, protected and loved his family. He did anything he needed to make sure they were taken care of.
Her father chose alcohol and gambling above them. Above their mother. Above fucking food! When I remember her telling me there were nights they all went to bed hungry because her dad didn’t come home on pay day, it made me sick. I wanted to find him and beat him to within an inch of his life.
