Page 133 of Perfect
She eyes the pile of trackers on the dresser thoughtfully. “Is that all of them?”
I look away from her and think about the last one. I should tell her, but she’ll freak out and leave for good if I do, and I’m not jeopardizing any possible chance with her.
It’s also the only way I have left to make sure she’s safe.
Iamgoing to take it out, I just need to figure out when. It’s okay if it takes me a while to figure it out, right?
I nod to myself, but she takes it as an answer to her question. She walks over to me and leans her head on my arm, trailing her fingers down my spine as she looks at all the broken trackers.
“Teddy?” She sounds so sweet right now, and hope races through my body. I think she still wants this. Maybe she’s already decided to give me a chance. Maybe she’ll ask me to stay. Maybe we can talk, and I can try to fix this right now.
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Can you leave me alone now?” My heart sinks as she holds her hands out for my copy of her keys.
***
I get to see Alex the next day when I take the cameras out of her office, and she doesn’t speak to me at all, but she accepts the coffee and pastry I bring her with a small smile.
I leave to take the cameras out of the rec center, and when I text her to show her that all the feeds are dark, she doesn’t respond.
Days pass, and she doesn’t talk to me at all.
I try extremely hard not to check on the tracker.
I don’t really sleep, I don’t really eat, I just stay in my house and do anything I can think of to deal with my anxiety, but it doesn’t work. Every day that passes convinces me more and more that she’s not going to give me a chance.
I start to lose my mind a little bit.
***
“Can you stop asking me stupid questions already? Just do your fucking job and help mefix this.” Dr. Mills raises her eyebrows at me in reproach for snapping at her, but I don’t apologize.
“Theodore,that’snot my job. My job is to help you build a healthier relationship with yourself and help you manage the stresses of reintegration, and there’s more to both of those things than your relationship with Alex.” I force myself to take a breath and try a different approach.
“Fine. Will youpleasetell me how to fix this?” I hear how frustrated and desperate I sound, but I don’t care.
I am desperate.
“I think the way to fix the situation is to work on yourself, do some healing, get a broader life, and come back to this when you have your feet more firmly on the ground.” I look up at the ceiling and cross my arms over my chest, shaking my head at her.
“I don’t even know why I thought you would help me,” I mutter, and Dr. Mills sighs.
“Theodore, I’mtryingto help you. Right now, it sounds to me like neither you nor Alex have had enough time and healing from your individual traumas to be in a healthy relationship. It’s not my place to give my opinion, but if you’ll allow me to say so, I think it would be wise for both of you to take some time away from the relationship.” Panic grips my heart at the idea.
“That isnota fucking option,” I snap.
“Do you see that itcouldbe an option, at least?” I drop my head into my hands, pushing my hair back and groaning in exasperation.
“Yeah, I do, Ireallydo, but I’m a selfish fuck and I can’t do it.” I roll my eyes and sit back in my chair, staring at the clock. She looks at me for a long moment before glancing down at her notes.
“Can we talk about some of the more concerning elements you’ve brought up?” I shrug. “From what you’ve just told me, you felt the impulse to stalk Alex. Can we speak about that?” I look up at the ceiling and shrug again.
I’m such an idiot for letting that slip.
“It was just an impulse. Nothing happened.” I avoid looking at her face to see if she thinks I’m lying.
“Be that as it may, I think we need to better understand why you feel the impulse to interact with Alex in a way that doesn’t respect her safety or privacy. You’ve felt these impulses before, right?” I nod, still not looking at her. “Was it just with Ashley?” I keep my eyes fixed on the ceiling and nod once, hoping it reads as sincere. No one else actually counts, anyway. “I know you said you did some work on this topic while in prison, but I’d like to explore it further with you.”
