Page 157 of Perfect
She believes she loves me because she thought she had theoptionto, but she didn’t. I’ve worked so fucking hard to give her back control of her life, but I didn’t give upeverything,and I lied to her about it. I’ve had so many opportunities to tell her, but I kept lying to her because I wanted her to give me a chance, and then because I didn’t want to ruin my chance, and now because I want to keep her.
She told me she wanted to choose me, and I didn’t believe she would, but I was wrong. Based on how absolutely in love with me she thinks she is, I’m starting to suspect that she still would have given me a shot if I’d told her about the tracker right after Christmas.
I wish I could tell her about it now, beg for forgiveness, tell her that I never checked her location, neverkind of, sort of, technicallystalked her after she asked me not to, but that would be another lie.
I’m so fucking tired of lying to her.
I stupidly thought I could just fix it by taking the tracker out, but that won’t fix it. I can take it out and pretend that everythingis fine, but no matter what, I’ll always know that she can’t truly love me back. I told her at one point that I’d take whatever she was offering, but that feels wrong to me now.
I know I can make her happy, I know she can love me, I know this can work for real, I know that she can want me the way I want her, and I wantthatso badly it hurts.
I wouldn’t be in this situation if I’d just killed myself when I had the motivation, which I probably should have done. It would have saved us both a lot of pain, because she’ll be fucking devastated if she finds out.
I look down at Alex’s relaxed, sleeping face, and I think about how incandescently happy she was this weekend. For a second, I wonder if I could deal with hating myself forever just to keep making her that happy, but I know I’m too fucking selfish for that.
I want to be that happy, too.
I slip out of bed, making sure she doesn’t wake up as I change into running clothes, and I lean in the doorway for a moment to watch her sleep, feeling a deep ache of longing as I stare at her. She’s such a wonderful person, and I’m a miserable, selfish fucking bastard.
I need to make an impossible choice, and I have to do it tonight. I can either lie and keep her forever, or I can tell her the truth and lose her forever.
I can’t stand the idea of spending a life with her knowing she can’t love me back, but I can’t lose her.
I have no idea what to do.
I’m fucking trapped.
47
DANNY
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22
The alert hits my phone just as I get home from work with a 96% match, but I’m not getting my hopes up. It wouldn’t be the first time the facial recognition software has given me a false match, and the alerts have been coming in less frequently for almost a year.
The first few times it found matches, itwasher, mostly on security cameras. I flew out to look for her anywhere she popped up, and I contacted the local police to help me. She was careful, even changing her clothes a few times to try and hide, but there are so many goddamn cameras everywhere now that it was easy to track her as far as Seattle before she completely disappeared.
I don’t want to give up on her, but I’m almost positive my poor Bunny’s dead.
I shower before I pour myself a drink and head to my office, exhausted from work and expecting disappointment. When the software gives me a photo from a website in Oregon, and the girl in the picture is in a Pilates class at a recreation center, I pay attention. I set my drink down and lean in closer, unsure if it’s her. Her hair and body are different from Bunny’s, but I try not to get hopeful when I look closely at her face.
That honestly might be her. She’s got the same nose, the same big eyes, and the same shaped lips. I look up at the painting of her as a little girl holding the white bunny, and I realize the expression on the woman’s face is eerily similar.
Oh my god, I think I found her.
How thefuckdid she disappear like that?
I call Captain Rodriguez to let him know that I found a promising lead on my wife, and I put in an immediate time off request. He approves it because he’s a good guy, even though he probably thinks it's another dead end.
People don’t want to say it to my face, but everyone thinks she’s dead.
At first, when I thought something bad happened to her, I was a fucking wreck, but I didn’t tell anyone once I finally noticed the money was gone and realized she’d run away.
I still don’t understandwhyshe ran from me.
Sure, we got into a fight the night before, but couples fight. She was being so disrespectful, drunk and screaming at me about ruining her life, calling me all sorts of horrible things, and I couldn’t help but lose my temper with her.
I was a jackass, maybe, but she needed to be put in her place.
