Page 193 of Perfect
“I was seventeen and he was twenty-eight.” More murmuring, and Elise hums in concern.
“How did you two enter into a romantic relationship?”
Alex laughs bitterly. “Uh, I wouldn’t say we entered into a relationship so much as he forced a relationship on me.” I’mslightly uneasy about the way she’s phrasing that, and my knee starts bouncing.
“How so?”
“Danny knew my foster parents, so he was around constantly, and he just inserted himself into my life. He wouldn’t stop texting me, and he started showing up everywhere and he wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept telling me he wanted to take care of me.” My stomach knots up, and I look down at my hands to keep the jury from seeing my face.
She’s never told methis.
“Then he…he offered me a ride home from school, and he…um, he…” I glance up and watch as Alex looks up at the ceiling and wraps her arms around her waist. Thisalsoisn’t something we’ve ever talked about. “Um, he drove me out to a secluded area and raped me and told me that I had wanted it and that it meant we were together.” A pit opens in my stomach as I watch her, but she still won’t look at me.
I wish I wasn’t finding this out in front of a room full of people.
Some of her behavior early in our relationship makes a lot more sense.
“What was that like for you?” Alex’s eyes well up with tears, and she shakes her head, looking back at Elise.
“It was awful and overwhelming. I had no idea what to do.” I feel a slick churn of guilt in my stomach. “I was a kid who just lost my whole family, and he took advantage of me. I didn’t feel like I could ask anyone for help because he was older and a cop, and I thought no one would believe me, so I just let it happen. He took over my whole life.” Elise nods sympathetically, and Alex still won’t look at me.
Ofcourseshe never told me any of this.
Elise gets Alex to recount years of manipulation and abuse, more details she’s never told me. She talks about finally havingenough, about Danny pulling a gun on her, about running away and building a life in Astoria. She doesn’t talk about the fact that I did almost the same thing to her that Danny did, but it hangs unsaid between us.
I amnevergoing to stop making that up to her.
I sit there, staring at her, really listening to what she’s been through, aware of everything she’s not saying about our first few months together, and I think about my conversation with Catherine on Thanksgiving.
Alex is the furthest thing from fragile I can possibly imagine.
“Ms. Shearer, how did you and Mr. Anderson meet?” Alex finally looks at me, and her lips twitch into a small smile.
“He approached me at a bar back in September.” I keep my face as neutral as possible. I’m probably supposed to look like I enjoy hearing this part, but it’s just making me nauseous.
“When did you start dating?”
Alex huffs out a quick laugh. “We had our first date a few weeks later, and then we were just sort of together after that,” she says, shooting me a quick, amused look.
Is thisfunnyto her? She’s got a very dark sense of humor if it is.
“How early into dating did you reveal to Mr. Anderson that you were living under an assumed identity?”
“Almost immediately. I’ve always felt safe with Theo.” I hate that it’s a fucking lie.
“What’s your relationship like?” Alex’s face softens almost entirely. A small, warm smile plays across her lips, and I watch her mouth very closely.
“It’s amazing.” Not a lie, thank god. “After being with Danny, I didn’t know what a good relationship was even supposed to be like, but I have that with Theo. He’s my best friend. He’s kind, and he’s sweet, and he’s very gentle with me. He understands my past, and he does his best to accommodate the PTSD I havefrom it. My therapist says our relationship provides me with a lot of reparative experiences. He makes me feel safe and loved, and like I’m good enough without ever trying.”
I can’t help smiling at her. I love that I make her feel this way, and I especially love that she’s not lying about any of it. Hearing this is slightly tempering the overwhelming, painful knowledge that I donotdeserve her.
“I was married to Danny for almost ten years, but I’d never been in love before I met Theo. I didn’t realize loving someone was supposed to be easy.” I have no idea what my face does when I hear that, but my expression makes Alex tear up a little when she glances at me.
The questioning moves on to other aspects of our relationship, and Elise and Alex have carefully crafted a narrative of selective truths that make me look like an even-tempered, reasonable person, a perfect boyfriend, and a fucking saint compared to Danny.
When Elise asks Alex about the tracker, Alex tells a somewhat convincing lie about how we found the tracker to be an imperfect solution to making Alex feel safe.
“How did you decide on that as a solution?” Alex looks up at Elise shyly.
