Page 35 of Perfect
“Doing what?”
“Breaking in? Being here? Doing…” I gesture to the bedroom, “…that.” The panic and fear break to the surface, and I start to cry. “What ishappening?” Theo looks confused and worried as he sets his coffee down and reaches for me, but I flinch away from him. He winces and touches me anyway, his hands rubbing my shoulders soothingly.
“Alex, calm down, okay? I think you’re just overwhelmed. This isn’texactlyhow I thought things would go, but you needed me so badly last night that I knew it was the right time.”I stare at him and cry, not understanding what he’s talking about. He takes in my face and frowns. “Come here, sweetheart. Everything’s okay.” He pulls me close, and I try to get away from him, but his arms tighten and he won’t let me go. “This is all going to work out, I promise.”
“What are youtalkingabout?” Theo pulls back and gently brushes the tears from my cheeks, giving me a reassuring look.
“I’m talking about our relationship, Alex.”
I freeze up, my body going cold and my heart starting to race.
No way.
No fucking way.
“We’re finally together now,” he says with a soft smile.
Suddenly, I’m seventeen again, numb and devastated and confused in the backseat of a car, the scent of stale cigarette smoke surrounding me.
“This means we’re together, Alice.”
I can feel more tears streaming down my face as I start hyperventilating, and Theo frowns at me.
“Hey, everything’s okay. I’ve got you.” His words start mixing with Danny’s in an inescapable cacophony.
“I’ll take care of you now.”
“Can you take a deep breath for me? You don’t have to cry.”
“Can you stop fucking crying?”
“I know it’s a lot, sweetheart.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t want this.”
My vision starts tunneling, so I close my eyes, shutting out Theo’s scared face. I can hear him talking, but I’m too deep inside myself to make out his words. I can feel him moving my body, but I’m not there anymore. I dive deeper into the small, secret place inside myself where I can’t feel anything, and I hide.
***
I don’t know how long I’m gone for, but I slowly become aware of soft pressure on my chest and stomach, and I can feel Theo’s hard body pressed into my back. He pulls in a deep breath, and I pull in a shuddering breath a moment later. He exhales slowly, and I follow, exhaling shakily. I start to feel more sensationreturn as my breathing slows down and deepens, and we stay like that, breathing together until I can feel my hands again.
I open my eyes and look down at how we’re sitting, our legs across my small couch, Theo’s bent at the knees and bracketing mine. He’s placed his hands on my chest and stomach to help me to breathe with him. I pull away from him and stand up, but I can’t totally control my body yet, and he helps me to my feet when I stumble.
“What do you need?” His voice is soft in my ear, his hands gentle on my shoulders. I don’t respond as I walk to the bathroom slowly, staring down at the bathtub for a long moment before I can make my hands turn on the tap. Theo disappears for a second as I wait for the water to get hot, returning with an array of gift bags. I ignore him, keeping my unbandaged hand in the stream of water.
Nothing exists for me outside of the slowly rising temperature.
Once the water is finally warm, I plug the tub and strip, sitting in the filling bathtub and pulling my knees to my chest. I rest my arms across my knees and curl in on myself, laying my chin on my arms as I watch Theo. His face is blank, and he seems calm as he pulls things out of the bags, uncorking a glass vial of salt and rose petals and dumping it into the bath. He grabs a small wooden tray and fits it over the tub’s rim, creating a shelf in front of me that he starts putting things on. Salt scrub. Body oil. More vials of bath salt. He gets my coffee and a glass of water and sets them on the tray, turning off the water once the bathtub is full. He sits on the rim of the bathtub, looking at me with that same blank face.
“Does that happen to you often?” I roll my head back, looking at the ceiling. I debate lying, but I’m so exhausted that I just answer him.
“Not since I left.”
“Left where?”
“Home.”
“Do you know what triggered it?”
