Page 59 of Perfect
The bar he stalked me to.
Right.
Stalker.
When we finally go to sleep, he pulls my back flush against his chest, and I lie there with his arms around me, listening to the ocean. I try to ignore how nice it is to be held, but it’s hard. He feels so warm pressed against me, and he smells good, like soap and laundry detergent and something warm and familiar, somehow. I get tired quickly, and without thinking about it, I push back into him a little. He makes a content sound and kisses my shoulder as his arms tighten around me.
It feels too intimate.
When the alarm goes off early the next morning, I lean across him, fumbling for his phone. Once I get the alarm shut off, he wraps an arm around my waist and rolls me to my back, cupping my face with one hand and kissing me gently. I almost don’t flinch, and I almost kiss him back.
This is kind of nice, honestly.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says, his voice thick with sleep. “You want coffee?” I nod, fighting my urge to smile at him.
What iswrongwith me?
***
We drink coffee down at the dock while we wait to board the boat. Theo’s not asking me endless questions today, he’s just quiet and relaxed, his posture loose. We don’t talk much, mostly listening to the guide tell us about the wildlife and local history, and pointing our binoculars out into the water.
Theo occasionally points something out to me, but that’s as much as we interact until a whale surfaces for a second, its large tail appearing and rising high out of the water. He swears softly at the same time I do, and I can’t help laughing and smiling up at him after the whale disappears. He looks thrilled as he smiles back at me, and I look away from him quickly, hiding the blush I can feel heating my cheeks beneath my binoculars. I keep staring out into the water, enjoying the moment, and it takes me until he laces his fingers through mine as we’re getting off the boat to realize that he got me to let my guard down.
Not only am I playing into his delusion, but he got me to join him in it for a minute.
Theo’s a different kind of manipulative than I’m used to, and he’sreallygood at it.
***
Once we’re in the car, I lean my head against the window and close my eyes, tired from the early morning and the beers I had after the boat tour and everything that’s happened since Theo broke into my house. It’s only been two weeks, but it feels like it’s been years.
The humming of the tires on the road is soothing, and the classical concerto coming from the radio is calming, so I start to drift. I flinch slightly when I feel Theo’s hand rest gently on my knee, but I let it stay there, enjoying the warmth and the feel of his thumb gliding back and forth across my skin.
He gently shakes my knee a second later.
“Sweetheart? We’re home.” I open my eyes and look around, confused. We’re at his house, so I must have slept the whole way here. His hand stays on my knee as he leans into me, and I can tell he wants to kiss me from the way he looks at my lips. I almost let him before I realize what’s happening, and then I get out of the car quickly, hurrying towards the porch. He joins me, unlocking the door and holding it open for me.
“I think there’s a Red Sox game on if you want to watch it while I make dinner. I was thinking of something light since lunch was pretty heavy. Do you want a glass of wine?” His voice is low and affectionate, and he seems so different to me right now, calm and at ease in a way that’s new. I hum in agreement and walk into the living room, and he comes in with a glass of wine a minute later, our fingers brushing when he hands it to me. He smiles and kisses my forehead before he heads back to the kitchen to make us dinner.
I turn on the TV, raising the volume to cover the sound of my rapid breathing as I curl in on myself, starting to panic. I can’t believe I’m this fucking stupid. I let my guard down with him this weekend, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. This was the problem with Danny, too. Things would go well for a while, and I’d get complacent. Theo’s trying to make this all seem normal to me, and he’s doing an excellent job. The trap he’s set for me is domestic and comfortable, but it’s still a fucking trap.
Why am I even buying into his bullshit a little bit? Because I’m lonely? Because he’s nice to me? Because I want to fuck him?God, I’m such an idiot. He’s a terrifying, violent stalker who hijacked my entire life, and I can’t get complacent and let my guard down with him again.
I can’t risk letting him in.
18
THEO
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8
I look over at Alex asleep in the passenger seat, relieved that this isfinallygoing well. I think she’s adjusting. I was right that not having sex is what she needed to open up to me, because Alex has been so warm towards me this weekend. The way she smiled at me this morning wasreal. It only lasted a second, but it happened.
I can’t believe how badly I fucked this up from the start. If I’d just followed my goddamn plan, maybe this would have been a perfect weekend. Maybe she would have answered my questions instead of dancing around them. Maybe she would have curled up in my arms while we watched the movie. Maybe she would have smiled at me for longer than a second. Maybe she’d kiss meback. Maybethiswould have been the right time for us to have sex.
I should have known better than to give in to my stupid impulses.
This is so different from the last time I felt connected to someone. Ashley and I workedimmediately, and controlling my impulses with her was easy, at least until she left me. I can barely fucking control myself when it comes to Alex. My impulses are so different with her - they’re stronger, and more possessive, and much harder to ignore.
