Page 66 of Perfect
I am in hell, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Well, maybeAlex, a little bit.
She’s stubborn as fuck and has such horrific trust issues that she won’t let me in, even for a second, and she has a hell of a temper.
I don’t know how I didn’t see that before.
Her voice has a clipped quality to it, her movements are quick, and her body is always slightly tense, even when she’s stretching or sleeping. I thought she had anxiety, and maybe she does, but mostly she seems angry -especiallywith me. It seems like everything I’m doing pisses her off, but I think the fact that I’m not fucking her is pissing her off the most.
The only time she’s not angry with me is when she’s asleep. I haven’t been holding her when we go to sleep, but I wake up with her in my arms anyway, her body flush against mine. I’ve watched the cameras back, relieved to see that she’s the one who gravitates towards me in the middle of the night.
It’s reassuring to know that, on some level, she feels how connected we are, especially since she doesn’t want to speak to me, doesn’t want to share her feelings with me, and does her best to ignore me if she’s not trying to get me to fuck her.
Instead of asking for sex, she’s keeping up her bullshit attempts to get me to lose control with her. I’ve almost lost control with her so many times. Her apartment is freezing, but she keeps walking around in lingerie, standing closer to me than usual, laying her legs across my lap on the couch when we watch TV, anything other thanaskingme. Every time I ignore her attempts, she gets furious and sulks.
I have to wait her out, but it’s so fucking hard.
I’m not any better at controlling myself or my impulses – I just have a much stronger motivationnotto fuck her. I need her to know that she can trust me, and I know the payoff of her finally opening up to me is going to be worth it. I’m getting tired of her being angry with me all the time, and of her lying to me, and of her acting like I don’t actually care about her. Most of all, I’msofucking tired of catching her crying quietly in the middle of the night. She shuts down any time she realizes I’ve caught her, and she won’t talk to me or let me comfort her at all, no matter how hard I try.
I know she’s got a lot of baggage, but it’s not like I don’t have any fucking baggage, and it sucks to be the only one who’s trying to make this relationship work. I hate how long it’s taking her to adjust, and I hate that she’s actively fighting against it, but I know that it will get easier soon.
It needs to, for both of our sakes, because I’m starting to lose my fucking patience with her.
21
ALEX
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14
I’m having another sex dream about Theo.
I can feel him behind me, one hand splayed across my ribs and the other gripping my stomach, his lips moving slowly up my neck. I lean into his touch, and his hard cock twitches between my thighs as I push my hips back into his.
I wish he’d just fuck me already. These dreams are excruciating.
I whine a little, moving against him, so wet that he slides against me easily. I tilt my hips back until the head of his cock notches into my entrance. His arms tighten around me and his hips jerk forward, and I cry out as he shoves inside of me fully.
I realize I’m not dreaming roughly at the same time that he fully wakes up.
We both freeze, and Theo’s body shakes as he tries to restrain himself. I push my hips back into him, trying to get him to break, and he makes a strangled sound as he pulls out of me.
“God fucking dammit,”he chokes out as he shoves away from me and rolls out of bed, walking quickly into the bathroom. I curl up against the headboard and listen to him masturbate, furious and frustrated and embarrassed.
I hate that I want him this badly.
When he comes back out of the bathroom, he pulls on his sweats, which I swear he was wearing when we went to sleep, and I can’t help but notice how good they look slung low on his hips.
“For the last time, you need to fuckingaskfor it,” he snaps, crossing his arms, and I look back up at his face. His jaw is set, and he lookspissed. “I’m getting really fucking tired of you pushing me like this.”
“You were the one whopushed,actually,” I snap back.
He rolls his eyes up to the ceiling, shaking his head. “Yeah, well, I wasn’t totally awake.” He looks at me for a second and runs his hands over his face, pushing his hands back into his hair. “Also, for future reference, Ilovewaking up like that,” he mutters.
“I don’t know why you didn’t keep going, then.” He exhales hard and shoots me an irritated look.
“I can’t believe I have to explain to you that you need to fucking participate in our relationship. Judging from this morning, I can tell youwantto participate,” he teases, although his voice has a frustrated edge to it.
“Not really.”
