Page 84 of Perfect
“That’s bullshit!” Theo’s not quite yelling, but his voice is louder than usual. “I’d listen to you, but you’re constantly fucking lying to me,and to yourself, about your feelings.”
The implication thatI’mthe one in this situation who’s lying to myself makes something in me break. I’m angry in a way I’ve never felt before, angrier than I was with Danny the night I ran. Waves of heat and years of pent-up aggression course through my body, and I move without thinking, swinging my hand up to slap him.
Theo catches my wrist, and both of us stand still for a minute, shocked. His face goes blank, and his hand shakes slightly as his grip on my wrist gets so tight that it hurts.
He’s going to kill me now.
Maybe he should, if I’m the sort of person who would hit someone out of anger. My eyes start watering, and his face slowly changes into a look of deep hurt. He shoves my wrist out of his hand, and I step back from him, scared and ashamed.
He looks away from me, and his voice is quiet and ice-cold when he speaks.
“Get thefuckout.”
***
I don’t notice the walk home. I only notice that, at some point, I’m in the bath with a bottle of wine, sobbing.
I don’t know if I’m more upset about the fact that Theo might have been angry enough to kill me, or that I almost did something I didn’t think I would ever do to another person.
I should be more upset by one of them, but I don’t know which one.
24
THEO
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24
I give Alex space after Saturday, mostly because she’s freaked out about the prison thing but also becauseI’mfreaking the fuck out about our fight. She tried tohitme, and then I kicked her out like a fucking asshole instead of talking to her and resolving the issue. I know she’s dealing with a lot because of her ex. I know that’s probably all this is, but it felt personal, like she really wanted to hit me.
Maybe she did.
For the first time, I wish I could actuallytalk to Dr. Mills about my feelings.
It felt like right before Adam walked up, things were finally easy between us. Alex stood closer to me, she was affectionatewith me, she gave me a genuine smile when we were joking around – she wasadjusting.
Now I have to start over.
Fuck, why is this so hard? We work so well together, but she just won’t let it happen. I’ve been more open with her than I’ve been with anyone in a long time, but she just won’t let me in. She went home on Saturday and cried for hours, and she hasn’t eaten much in the last two days, but she still won’t call me.
She watched a video on YouTube about managing her anger, though, so she’s trying.
Alex, 4:39 PM:
can i come over after trivia
we should talk
Holy shit, she’s reaching out to fix it. She’sreallytrying.
Theo, 4:41 PM:
I’ll make dinner.
I do my best to stay calm. I clean, I meditate, I masturbate, I work out, I repeat. I’m something approaching calm by the time Alex’s trivia thing starts, so I go down and watch her from the bar across the street. She seems subdued, not as chatty with her girlfriends as usual. Two of their other friends are there, people I’ve seen before, but I fixate on the blonde guy sitting next to Alex.
Does she realize he kind of looks like Danny? Similar hair color, similar jaw shape, shorter but with a similar build. He’s so obviously interested in her, so how the fuck does she not see it?Does she see it, and she just likes the attention? Is she going to run into this guy’s arms anytime we have a fight?
That won’t end well for him.
