Page 96 of Perfect
“You really think that? The only thing I’m scared of isyou,” I spit. “You’re an insane, manipulativestalker, and you’re going to kill me.” I watch anger and hurt flash across his face, and I push again. “You think I wantthis? You think I wantyou? No one would want you! You’re fuckingunlovable.”
I know immediately that I’ve pushed hard enough when Theo freezes, his face going instantly blank. There’s a tense moment of silence as the word hangs between us, and then I’m on my back before I even realize he’s moved. He’s already off the bed, grabbing his clothes and throwing them on as he faces away from me. I can hear his breathing, loud and shallow and fast, and I curl up into a ball and start to go numb.
I’d rather die than want him like this.
He starts pacing at the end of the bed, every muscle in his body so tense that he’s shaking.
“This is such fuckingbullshit,Alexandria. You’re lying to yourself if you think you don’t want this, which isn’t surprising because all you fucking do islie. You can besucha shitty girlfriend sometimes, you know that? I have to beg you to talk to me, you barely tell me anything when youdo, and you’ve got all these big fucking issues that you just bottle up and take out on me whenever I get too close. I fuckinglet you,because I want to take care of you, but you treat me like shit and shut down any time you let me in! I have to work so fucking hard to get so fucking little from you, and itsucks.” He stops pacing and looks up at the ceiling, making a loud, frustrated sound, shaking his head and scrubbing a hand over his eyes.
“I didn’t think this relationship would be so difficult, I really didn’t. I’ve been doing everything I can to make this work, andyou’ve been fighting me at every turn. I don’t understand why you’re working so hard to try to push me away, but I'm fucking tired of it.” He grabs his keys off the dresser and finally looks at me, frustrated and hurt and on the edge of crying.
“Why can’t you make this easy foronceand just let yourself be happy with me?” He sighs and drops his keys, rubbing his hands up his face again and pushing them back through his hair. “Fuck this,” he mutters as he moves towards me quickly, reaching out for me. I flinch away from him and curl tighter into myself, and he freezes. His face is shocked, then incredulous, then pained.
“Are you fuckingkiddingme, Alex? You think I’m going tohurtyou?” He turns on his heel, grabbing his keys and his jacket. “I’m the only one getting hurt here,” he snaps out as he wrenches open the door and storms out.
I sit on the bed, frozen and confused and unsure of how to feel. I stay glued to the same spot for an hour, but he doesn’t come back. I have no idea what to make of what just happened, so I don’t think about it. I order more wine, pour myself a hot bath, and drink to numb myself.
I don’t sleep at all, but he never comes back. He’s not at the bus station in Portland the next morning, or at the bus station in Astoria, or at his house, or at my apartment.
I know he’ll show up. He constantly shows up, whether or not I want him to.
I don’t know if I want him to or not.
28
THEO
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12
The beach is barely above freezing when the sun finally starts rising, and the delicate, frigid mist from the fog rolling in off the water has dampened my clothes enough that my skin is chilled. I don’t remember how I got here, or how long I’ve been here, or wherehereeven is.
All I can think about is how scared Alex looked when I tried to kiss her.
I bury my face in my hands, looking down at the craggy rocks and the shadowy tide pools below me. I think Alex would love it here, wherever it is. She should be here with me, or I should be back at that hotel with her. We shouldn’t be fighting like this. Idon’t understand why this relationship is still so fucking hard, because it shouldn’t be.
We’re supposed to be together – we’re fuckingconnected.
I had no idea what that meant until I met Alex. I told Dr. Mills I felt connected to Ashley, but it barely even counts in retrospect. I knew something was different about her from the moment I met her, but it took me a while to figure out that we were connected, and it wasn’t nearly as strong as the connection I have with Alex.
Ashley, as much as I loved her, was neverminethe way Alex is.
I wasn’t lying when I told Alex that I hardly cared about Ashley compared to how I feel about her. Things with Ashley were so easy, and I never would have tried this hard to make things work with her. I wouldn’t have let her go easily, maybe, but I would have let her go, eventually – Ididlet her go.
That’s never going to happen with Alex.
I think that’s why Ashley and I had different perspectives on our relationship – we didn’tbelongto each other. It makes so much sense now. She doesn’t lie to herself like Alex does, but she has a different outlook on things than I do. How she talked about me in her victim impact statement felt wrong, like she was misinterpreting everything I did on purpose. I thought she was just angry about what happened, and it took me years to accept that it was actually how she felt. According to her, I was too much to handle, hadalwaysbeen too much to handle, and I only got worse after I told her I loved her. She said she was afraid of hurting me, not because she loved me back, but because she was worried about how I’d react.
Kevinwasn’t too much to handle, though.
Kevin was a funny, charming, easygoing piece of shit who was fucking my girlfriend behind my back for months and lying to my face about it. Things were going well between me andAshley before he took her away from me, but I was too young and stupid and in love to notice when that happened. He knew how I felt about her and told her that I was going to propose, and said she’d never be able to get away from me if I did.
He wasn’twrong, but I didn’t want her to see it that way.
He manipulated her into feeling like she was in danger, which she wasn’t, but I think me giving into my impulses and stalking her only helped prove his point. Ashley said the stalking was so bad that she considered dropping out and moving back to California just to get away from me, but she didn’t think it would have stopped me.
To be fair, it probably wouldn’t have.
She talked about the lengths she and Kevin went to hide their relationship from me, how they didn’t text or email at all, how they only met off campus when they knew I’d be occupied, how they were both afraid that I’d freak out if I found out about them.
