Page 97 of Perfect
They were right, of course.
They just didn’t know howbadlyI’d freak out.
I remember how Ashley looked at me when she saw me step out of her closet, when she realized that I’d watched Kevin fuck her and heard her tell him that she loved him.
Alex might think she’s afraid of me, but she’s never beenthatafraid of me.
We both know that being happy is the thing she’s actually afraid of, and she’s only pushing me away because sheknowsI can make her happy. She just got scared because I acknowledged that she was finally starting to let me in, and she lashed out.
That’sallthis is.
Dr. Mills says she thinks I’m sensitive to rejection and while she’s generally wrong about me, shemighthave a point there. I’m used to being rejected by people I love, but I know that Alex doesn’t mean to reject me. She didn’t even mean what she said tome, but it keeps playing in my head on an endless loop anyway, cutting deeper and deeper each time.
IknowAlex doesn’t mean to hurt me. She only pushes me away so I can show her that I’m not going anywhere and that she can trustme, but it sucks nonetheless. She’s been fighting me and rejecting me every fucking step of the way, and all I get with her are these brief, shining moments when she finally lets her guard down and connects with me.
IknowI’m right about us and our connection, but it’s starting to feel like her trust issues are too big to get past. Sometimes, it even feels like she’s trying to sabotage this relationship on purpose.
I’m at a loss on how to fix things with her. I know Icanfix them, I just don’t knowhow.
My phone chimes in my pocket, and I pull it out, shocked to see how late in the morning it is. I open up the security system app and stare at my phone, a deep ache coursing through me as I watch Alex walk up my driveway, stopping short when she realizes my car isn’t there. She stands there for a minute before she shakes her head and walks away.
The relief I feel is so intense it’s almost painful.
It starts raining, but I stay on the beach and watch her location as she walks home, my fingertips losing feeling by the time she gets into her apartment. I open the camera feeds to see her curl up on her couch under a blanket, turning on the TV and staring blankly at it. She’s not watching anything, letting the carousel of advertised movies and shows on the home screen play through, because she’s too busy checking her phone every other minute.
I can tell she’s upset, and I know she wouldn’t be this upset if she didn’t care. She certainly wouldn’t have stopped by my house if she didn’t care, and I think she needs time to realizethat. I know she wants me to reach out, but it’s time for her to stop fucking lying to herself and invest in this relationship.
I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t.
29
ALEX
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Theo hasn’t shown up.
I keep checking my phone, but he hasn’t called or texted me. I keep expecting to wake up to him in my apartment, or in my bed, or inme, and I’m weirdly disappointed that it hasn’t happened.
I don’t know why it’s bothering me, but it is.
He’s my delusional fucking stalker, and I shouldn’t be upset that he’s finally leaving me alone. I shouldn’t want him, either, because that means I’m being successfully manipulated by him, which is what he wants. I can’t give him what he wants, and he’s going to snap eventually and kill me because of it.
That’s what I keep trying to tell myself, anyway. I know it’s true, but it’s not how I feel. I push him constantly, and this time I pushed him so hard healmostsnapped, but he didn’t. He didn’t scream at me or insult me or hit me. He just seemed hurt.
I can’t stop thinking about how hurt he looked.
What seemed to hurt him the most was me flinching away from him like I thoughthewould hurtme. At this point, I’m not entirely sure that he would have. If I’m honest with myself, I’m positive he was going to kiss me. I know I would have caved if he had, and that might have been worse than him hurting me.
“Babe, are you okay?” I startle slightly, looking up into Bailey’s warm, deep brown eyes. I didn’t even notice her come into the room, much less set a cup of tea in front of me.
“Uhm, no,” I say quietly, and Bailey leans a hip on the edge of my desk. “I’m, uh, kind of seeing someone. We got into a fight and now he’s not talking to me.” Bailey makes a soft sound of understanding.
“I’ve been there. He probably just needs some space. How upset was he?”
“Veryupset. I was…harsh, and then he got close, and I freaked out and flinched, and he was really upset by that.” Bailey’s face becomes deeply concerned, bordering on anger.
“Alex, has he ever hurt you?”
