Page 37 of Broken Hero
He nods. “I tried everything, but I couldn't get to her - she was trapped. I went through the fire to get to her, but she was caught under a beam that had fallen from the roof.”
“That’s how you got burned?” Bile rises in my throat at the thought of the agony he must have gone through, and after all that, failed to get to her.
“Yeah, I didn't even think about it - I needed to save her. The firefighter arrived and saved my life, but he couldn't get to her.”
“Dec, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say.” I put my arm around his hunched shoulders. A tear rolls down my cheek, but I quickly swipe it away. I don't want him to see me upset - this is not about me. It's about him.
“I can see her face. I still dream about it, she haunts me, the look of fear on her face, hope - that I was going to save her - but I didn't. I failed. Every time I go over the memory, I think about what I could have done differently, but nothing, nothing that I could have done would have saved her - and I know this - I do, but it doesn't help.”
“Is that why you became a firefighter?”
He nods. “The feeling of helplessness was eating away at me, and I needed to do something. No way I was ever feeling that helpless again.”
I hitch my dress up and swing myself around to straddle his knee and wrap my arms around him. He buries his head in my chest. This isn’t about anything else but comfort right now.
“I was so fucking useless, Sophie.” His voice breaks as he speaks into my chest.
“Hey! You don't get to say that about yourself. You tried to save her so much that you almost died. Look at you, I know by looking at those scars that you must have taken months and months to heal. You are lucky that you came out of it alive. It was her time baby, I'm sorry if you don't believe that - if you think that it could have played out differently, but I think it was just her time. It was an accident. I'm sorry that you have to live with this, but you need to let it go. Instead of reliving that night over and over again, relive the happy times that you had together. She wouldn’t want you to be like this. I can't imagine having that love and it being taken away from you. I'm so so sorry.”
I clutch on to his head and silently cry - cry for the young guy that lost his love, that felt like he had it in his hands to save her and couldn't. How does he live with this every day? No wonder he has issues – they go way deeper than I could have imagined.
He wraps his arms around me so tight, clinging to me for a lifeline – as though he needs my touch. I kiss the top of his head and stroke his hair.
“You’re gonna be fine,” I whisper into his hair.
We stay like that for a while. I think this needed to happen a long time ago, that he talk to someone like this, but why it needed this, me seeing him...his scars, I don't know.
Eventually, I lean up from him to climb off him – his hands grip my waist tighter. “Where are you going?”
“The bathroom, then we should go to bed, babe.”
He nods. His eyes look so sad.
I bend down and kiss his cheek. Wanting so bad to comfort him right now in any way, but knowing what he needs is a friend right now and not anything else.
I brush my teeth and put on my pyjamas. When I walk back into the room, he’s still sat there, staring into space. His eyes follow me around the room when I brush past him. I go around the other side of his bed and climb in. He stands and frowns.
“I’ll sleep with you tonight - you need me. No funny business, I swear.” I smile at him.
He gives me a soft smile. “You're the sweetest person I've ever met. Thanks, Blue.”
He takes his boots and jeans off and puts them over the chair. He pulls a t-shirt out of his bag and starts to unbutton his shirt. “Leave the t-shirt off, Big Guy.”
He shakes his head.
“I mean it. You have to get over the fact that you have the problem with it - with your body - and not anyone else. The first thing to help you get over that is you sleeping with me shirtless.”
He looks doubtful but sighs and puts the t-shirt back in his bag.
I lie there and watch him unbutton his trousers as they fall to the floor - his muscular thighs on show, with the light dusting of dark hair. He fills out his boxer briefs perfectly – I try to avoid looking, honest. He slides his shirt off, and I watch him as he bends - putting it in his bag.
In any other circumstances, this would be a dream come true, watching a fine man like him undress to get in bed with me.
He stands at the side of the bed and looks down at me. I pull the duvet back for him to get in and pat the mattress.
“You don't need to be scared, I’ll be gentle.” I joke.
He gives a short laugh and climbs in. I instantly move over and slide my arm around his waist, resting my head on his shoulder. The scar is on the opposite side of me, but I make sure I slide my hand around so that it's resting on it - proving the point that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. He holds himself stiff at first, but I feel him relax eventually, he moves his arm around me and pulls me into him further. I'm in heaven. I mean, yeah, I’m doing this for him, but lying here in his arms, it is just as perfect as I thought it would be.
