Page 74 of Broken Hero
“I have no idea. I don't know, but Eli is good, and everyone got out safely, so that’s what matters.”
Of course, she cares about everyone else except herself. I look around until my eyes land on Eli. He’s sitting in the back of an ambulance, and it's quite apparent that he's thinking being in an ambulance is the best thing ever – a big grin on his face. Jack and Robyn are by his side, but Jack has his eyes on me - he knows something is wrong.
I look away from him and look down at Sophie. “Come on, let's get you back in the ambulance - they need to check you out.”
She nods, something flutters over her face, concern. “Dec, are you sure you’re alright?”
I nod and squeeze her waist. “Just trying to sort things out.” I look at the building. “I need to get it secure with the rest of the team. Will you be okay if I leave you?”
I feel like a knife goes through me as pure hurt flashes over her face. She wants me to stay with her. I can’t. I can't do that right now. I need to get away...need to think.
“I guess...if you need to get back.” She sounds uncertain. I’m such an arsehole.
I nod and walk away, not saying another word. What is wrong with me? I should be over the moon that she’s fine, and I am, I’m so relieved, but for a second, I thought the woman I love was going to be taken away from me. History repeating itself. What was I doing, letting someone in again?
I walk away like the coward that I am.
I turn back to the guys, and they try to convince me to go back to Sophie. But no, I have a job to do, and I'm going to do it. They see after a minute or two that I'm not going to be deterred and let me help.
*****
ILOOK AT MY FRONTdoor, reluctant to go in. She’s in there. She needs me, but I can't be who she needs right now - I want to be on my own.
After dealing with the explosion's aftermath for three hours, we all went back to the station and had showers. Everyone was looking at me strangely, walking on eggshells around me. I know what they're all thinking, that old Dec is back. I’ve been different since I met Soph, I know I have, but that was temporary. A stupid lapse in judgement made me vulnerable. Something I promised I would never do again.
I need to end it with Sophie.
She’s on the couch with Mia when I walk in. Someone must have called her. They both look up when I walk in but neither say anything.
“Hey.” Sophie eventually speaks. Her voice sounds rough. It could be all the shouting she had to do or could be the dust and smoke in her throat. Her eyes look red, she’s been crying.
I look over at Mia, who’s watching me with a blank expression. She stands slowly and looks at Sophie. “I’ll go now, honey. I’ll speak to you later.”
Sophie stands to hug her, “Thank you, and thank you for the phone.”
“No worries, it's a spare. Keep it for as long as you need to.”
Mia looks at me as she leaves without a word. She doesn’t need to say anything, I get it, she hates me - she thinks I'm a shit boyfriend for her girl. She’s right.
I look at Sophie. She has dark circles under her eyes.
“I'm glad you’re fine,” I need to say what I need to. But for the life of me, I can't find the words.
She nods, “Yeah, but you're not, are you?”
“No.” I should have guessed that she would be able to tell there is something wrong.
“So talk to me.”
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair - I left it all loose after the shower. “I'm glad you are alright. Really, down to my fucking bones, I'm glad you are okay.”
“But...” She looks worried but sad at the same time - as though she knows what is coming.
“But I can’t handle it. I thought I could. Being in a relationship - but I can't. I can’t deal with how I felt today, Soph. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you.”
“Don't shut down on me. I can see it written all over your face. Right now, you're the guy I met at the bar years ago - the one that was dead inside. Don't be that guy.”
I look down at the floor. “I'm sorry but Iamthat guy. This thing with us - it's over. I don't want a girlfriend.”
