Page 81 of Broken Hero
Jerry speaks up. “We know you've met someone.”
I suck in a breath. “I...that’s not going anywhere anymore.”
“We miss her too, Declan, every day we miss her,” Jerry says, his voice cracking.
I feel as though someone has punched me in the stomach. I need to hold it together. “I can't talk about it.”
This time it's my mum that talks. “You need to Dec, don't you see, until you deal with your grief - and I'm not saying forget Violet, I know you will never forget her - but until you move on, you are stopping yourself from being happy.”
“I don't want to be happy.” I wince at the words as soon as they leave my mouth, it's true, but I should keep that to myself.
Sue puts her hand on top of mine. “Why ever not?”
I look up at her and she winces. She can see the pain in my eyes.
“You know why.” I barely get out in a whisper.
“Sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault. The only person that ever blamed you for Violet's death was you. It was an accident, and you nearly died trying to save her.”
“I know what you're saying, but if I’d have saved her, she’d be here with us now, wouldn't she? Eating with us, laughing - we’d be married.”
Dad speaks. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. We can't watch you do this anymore. You can't grieve forever, and I know it’s what everyone says, but it’s true - she’d hate this life for you, and you know it. If she could see you doing this to yourself, she would be heartbroken. We knew and loved the girl too - we know what she’d think.”
Fuck, this is hard. I don't want to talk about this.
Sue squeezes my hand. “Your Dad is right. You deserve to be happy. You are a good man Declan, with a lot of life left to live, but you act as though you died right there with her that night.”
I swallow. “I miss her.”
“Oh, love, we all do.”
“I feel guilty - guilty for having feelings for someone else.”
“Why?”
I look up at her. “Why? Because I love Violet.”
“You loved Violet, and you always will, but that doesn't stop you from being happy with someone else. There doesn't just have to be one person for everyone. You're allowed to love again.”
“Sophie is lovely,” Maddie says. “We all love her, and she’ssogood for you. We saw you happy, and it gave us all hope.”
My Dad looks at me. “What made you end it with her?”
At this point, with all these people who care about me waiting for me to talk, I figure it's now or never.
“I re-live Violet dying every single day. Every day I wake up and feel sick that she’s not here with me, I’ve gone through it all - anger, remorse - every emotion under the sun, and it doesn't fade. I have learned to live with the pain.”
“Yeah, we know. We feel it too.”
“So I met Sophie, and you're right, Sis, she’s great, she’s everything - the opposite to my dark, everything about her is light. She sees the best in everything, andChrist,she broke down my defences where no one ever has and yeah, I’ve fallen for her but hell, the guilt I felt was off the charts, but I that Violet wouldn’t want me to be like this, I know you’re right. She would want me to move on. But the accident happened with Soph and Eli and the thoughts of going through it again, going through losing someone I love again, I wouldn't survive it.”
Jack speaks. “But man, you won’t lose her. Yeah, it sucks that she was in the fire, but she’s not going anywhere, and you're breaking her fuc...sorry you're breaking her heart. She wants you, you dick, for some crazy reason, she sees you with all the dark and doesn't give a shit. She wants you as you are. You have a chance to be genuinely happy here, and you’re fucking it up.” He looks around the room. “Sorry, I'm working on the language thing.”
I look around the table and nod. “I know your right, guys, but I'm terrified...terrified to the bone.”
My mum sits in the chair next to me. She places her hand softly over mine and squeezes it. “I'm sorry you feel like this, but give her a chance, and I think you might find that some of that light cuts through your dark, honey.”
I sigh. “I get what you're all saying, and I appreciate it. I’ll think about it.”
