Page 78 of Ky
“I think you’ve been hanging around outlaw bikers too long,” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Did you just admit that you’re an outlaw?” I gasped in fake shock.
“Oh, please. I know you’re too smart for that shit. I’m not gonna tell you everything but I’m not going to treat you like you’re dumb either.”
“I can live with that.”
There was another long pause of silence. It didn’t feel awkward. If anything, it felt very much needed.
“What happens now, Chris? Because honestly, I feel pretty much clueless about everything. And I don’t like it.”
I barked out a laugh then winced at the sharp pain that shot through my gut.
“You okay? Want me to get you a pain pill? It’s past time for you to take one.”
I wasn’t even a little bit surprised that he knew that.
“No, I don’t want you to leave me just yet, even if it’s just for a minute.”
His stiff, ready-to-jump-up body relaxed back into mine.
“Okay,” he said like he wasn’t even going to argue.
“I don’t know. What do you want to happen next? With us, I mean.”
“I want us, I thought I made that clear. But I don’t have the first clue how to do…”
“A relationship?” I asked knowing that wasn’t exactly what he meant.
It was an odd line between trying to put yourself in a category and seeing it for what it was. At least to me. It wasn’t a gay relationship. It wasn’t man love, or something queer. It was me and it was him. His was the soul that called to mine and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had a dick between his legs. Though, it was a very nice dick.
But at the same time, I also understood all the things he was wrestling with and trying to figure out. The world around us was all about boxes, categories, places where others could put you. Name you. Label you. Give you a title so that they could judge you. It took me a lot of years to realize not only that I was just me, but to see that I really liked the me that I was.
I didn’t understand when or why it had become about who you loved and not just the simple fact of love. You know, why people had to tear down something beautiful and try to make it ugly.
But that was just me.
And I wasn’t sure if Ky would ever get there. It might be something that he struggled with for the rest of his life. I had seen it before and I’d be there with him, through it all. And at the same time, if he needed to put a label on himself to ease his mind, I’d be alright with that too.
It wasn’t something that I could just shine a light on and tell him that was the way. It was different for every person. With that said, I’d definitely help guide him and whatever else he needed.
“I think the problem is that you think too much about it,” I said. “You don’t have to have all the answers right now. It’s okay if you stumble through things and figure it out as you go along. I mean, I certainly don’t know everything.”
It felt like a generic answer but it was true to how I saw things.
“Okay,” he agreed and I felt like he really meant it. “So you’re my boyfriend?”
“I thought I was your fiancé!” I said with fake shock.
“Um,” he cleared his throat and I felt like I’d really gotten him. I only wish I could have seen his cheeks, I would have put money on the fact that they were pink. “This may sound weird, and I know we haven’t like, you know, much. One time, really. And this wholeusthing is new and what have you. But the idea—the thought—of you…being that, well, it doesn’t scare me. I mean—fuck. I mean, I honestly don’t see my future without you.”
His words came out choppy and at times rushed. He stumbled over each statement and I could tell that he was having a hard time getting it out. That said, it didn’t mean he wasn’t speaking from the heart.
“Not to make this super mushy, but I feel the same way.” There. I said it. Not only to ease his insecurities but because it was the damn truth. “As for the rest, we can figure that out another time. I’m sure my mom is wondering what the hell we’re doing in here and when we’re going to come out.”
“Okay, fine,” he said with a chuckle.
Then we were slowly making our way out of bed, leaving all the heavy shit behind and moving forward.
