Page 49 of Clean Hack
I felt him pull away before I was ready. I still clung to him as he placed a soft, close-mouthed kiss on my lips.
“A lot has happened the last few days,” he started and his voice was thick and raw. He cleared his throat and moved on. “You are in a vulnerable place and I will not take advantage of that. When this happens, and it will happen, I want you to be here with me one hundred percent, okay?”
There was something in his words that told me he wasn’t going to go away. He wasn’t going to leave. That he felt this thing between us too. So, as much as I wanted to scream at him that I was indeed ready and look overly needy, I held back. Because, if it was meant to be, then it would.
But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t craving everything he could offer me.
I nodded wordlessly.
I couldn’t even explain how that kiss had made me feel. I wanted more but at the same time, I respected everything that he’d said. It was perfect and I would have been an idiot to fight perfection.
“How about you get a shower and I’ll figure something for us to eat,” he said after I fought the lust battle in my mind.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”
“Look at me,” he demanded and I dragged my eyes up to his, giving him my full attention. “This isn’t a no. This isn’t me telling you that I don’t want whatever the hell this is between us.” I swallowed thickly. “This is me…telling you that you are worth the wait.”
And well, who couldn’t fall in love with those words. I couldn’t argue with them either. So I told him that I got it, because I did, and then I released him as I rolled out of the bed. I knew if I stayed there much longer then I would most likely have ended up pouncing on him and trying my best to make up for seven years of sad self-orgasms.
“Shower?” I asked feeling clueless about my surroundings.
“Down the hall, next door on your left.”
“Is this your home?” I asked because I still had no clue about where I was.
“I own several places,” he answered and I felt an underlying meaning in his words. “This is one of them. We’re in Virginia, if you were wondering.”
It was then that I actually looked around. I could honestly say it didn’t have much of a “homey” feel to it. The walls were left bare bone white. There wasn’t any art on display. Not even a picture next to the bed. Or a book. Or an accent piece. The place screamed “livable” to me and it made me sad. Sure, there was a bed and a side table. There was a chair in the corner and a door that led to what I guessed was a closet. But it lacked a personal touch, something that told me this was his place. Maybe it was a new purchase. It could have been that he hadn’t moved in fully. As I closed the door to the bathroom behind me, I had a feeling that wasn’t it.
I had been in such a daze that I didn’t grab any of my things. I really wanted to brush my teeth more than anything. I stood there for a long moment debating on going through his things to see if there was an extra one somewhere in here. Would that be wrong? It wasn’t like I was doing it to snoop. I was looking for something specific.
There was a knock on the door before I even made a move. My hand flew to my chest as I jumped. Luckily, I didn’t scream like I was in a horror movie.
“Yeah,” I called out a little breathlessly.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Derrick said as he opened the door and sent me a sympathetic look. “I just wanted to tell you that there is toothpaste and new brushes in the drawer on the left. Help yourself. Also, I’m washing all of your things…”
“Okay,” I said not catching on right away.
Oh!
That meant I didn’t have anything to wear.
Well, that could be a problem. Did he expect me to walk around with nothing on? I mean, I guess if I had to. But that could lead to things…okay, yeah, did not need to go there right now. Because that kiss had definitely affected me like nothing had before and I realized that now was not the time. Or ever maybe? Oh, God. I had no idea.
I wanted it. I felt a pull to him that I didn’t think I could deny even if I tried to. I could have easily blamed it on the lack of sex and companionship I’d had in my life the last seven years, but I didn’t think that was it.
There was a low chuckle that filled the air around me. My gaze snapped up to meet his in the reflection of the mirror. I guessed I’d given myself away with the look I held on my face.
“I brought you something to wear. Don’t freak out, I’ve got you,” he said and it was so smooth it calmed me. There was also something deeper in his words and I tried not to hold onto it. “If this isn’t comfortable for you, feel free to grab anything from the closet in the bedroom. I’ll be in the kitchen.” With that, he left a nicely folded pile of clothes on the edge of the sink and backed out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
I turned my attention away from the clothes to where he told me to find what I’d been looking for.
After my teeth felt a million times less funky, I started the shower. The warm spray felt good on my stiff muscles. As I soaped up, trying my hardest not to think about how I was using his soap, I wondered what was going to happen now?
The weight had been lifted but it only seemed to be replaced with a new one. I’d spent so many years searching for one thing. Now that Allison was free and safe, what the hell was I supposed to do?
One day at a time.
That was really the only way I knew I’d be able to handle it and not crack.
I turned off the water and toweled myself dry. I looked at the plain t-shirt and sweatpants and felt weird. So, I grabbed up the clothes and padded back down the hall and into the bedroom. Inside of the closet, I found where he housed his t-shirts and set it back on top. Then I reached for one of his button-up shirts that I’d always seen him in. As I slipped my arms into the cool, almost silky fabric something about it felt like home. I pulled the collar up to my nose and took a deep whiff, getting the tiniest scent of him under the clean smell. Then, figuring I didn’t have much of a choice, I pulled the sweatpants up and did my best to tie it tightly around my much smaller waist.
I wondered if I was overstepping. I felt hesitant and a little embarrassed. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner of the closet and hide. I looked around as if I were actually contemplating doing just that.
Holy cow, I thought as I actually took in the size of the closet I was standing in. I could have fit my bed in there and still had room to run around it. The sad thing was, it looked like the space was hardly used. A tall, dark, solid dresser sat just inside the door. And there were about ten white button-up shirts and the same number of black slacks hanging on the bar just beside the dresser. I looked down to see that there were four pairs of shoes sitting out. Two that looked like the shoes I’d seen him in many times. A pair of oddly brightly colored runners, that had me smiling at the thought of him wearing them. And then there was a pair of gray high-top Chucks. Which made me smile wider. I was sure I looked strange and goofy standing there.
Then it hit me, I knew nothing about him. Up until a little bit ago, I’d only seen him wear one outfit. I’d only ever pictured him wearing those exact clothes. Like somehow in my mind he even slept in that outfit. Which I realized was completely ridiculous. But I guessed that was what happened when you didn’treallyknow someone.
I let out a long sigh. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t hide in here forever.
