Page 53 of Clean Hack
I shrugged.
“Not that I’m comparing the two of you. You are…not like him at all.”
“I know you aren’t saying that.” I brought my hand up and brushed the hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear so that I could see her entire face. “I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I could never imagine hurting anyone. Especially not like that.”
“I know. I can see that in you. Sure, your job is a little on the…interesting side, but I never got the feeling that you’d intentionally hurt anyone.”
It was true. Then it hit me big time. The fact that I’d killed someone. I felt myself drifting off as I remembered that moment. Nothing had ever felt like that before and I could definitely say that I wasn’t in a rush to feel that again.
“Hey,” she said softly, her hand landing on my thigh. “Where’d you go?”
While I probably shouldn’t have said anything because I didn’t want her to feel any kind of blame for it, I also didn’t want to hide things from her. I felt safe with her and lying was not something you should do with someone you feel safe with. Or that was what I believed.
“That man. The one in the motel room,” I said shifting my gaze to hers. She gave me a tiny nod like she knew which one I was talking about. “That was my first kill.”
Her mouth dropped open as a look of stunned surprise flashed on her face, and I saw everything playing out in her eyes. Realization. Sadness. Shock. Empathy.
“Please, don’t feel bad. I would do it again if I had to. No questions asked. I’m not really sure how I feel, I guess. I took a life and that is not something that rests easily on the soul. But at the same time, it was between you and him. I’d always choose you. I want to justify it by saying that he wasn’t a good person anyway, but that feels wrong too.”
“I get it. I’ve never, um, donethatuntil that night too. It was them or me, but I still have to live with the things I’ve done. Right or wrong, it still stays with you.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“But he wasn’t good. And sometimes I believe that people get what they deserve. He fucking deserved what he got.”
My brows went up in surprise at her words. Then there was a smile spreading across her face slowly. I could feel my lips following her lead.
“Sorry, that might be a bit bold. But it’s the truth. Thank you. I don’t even want to think of what would’ve happened…”
“We’re kind of fucked up, huh?” I hadn’t meant to say it but it just seemed to slip out.
“Maybe a little,” she said with a laugh.
“It looked like you handled yourself pretty well. I think you would have been alright if I hadn’t shown up.”
The thought that she’d been alone and had to go through that made me shake with anger. I tried playing it off as a joke, but I think she noticed. I didn’t want to play thewhat ifgame but it was hard not to.
“Don’t,” she said leaning up and placing a delicate kiss on my cheek. “I’m here. I’m alright…mostly. Let’s just focus on that.”
I nodded as I pulled her closer. Her nose rubbed against my skin as she buried her face in my neck. I held her, my fingers running through her hair in a way that I hoped it help her feel grounded. It certainly did for me.
