Page 44 of B-ry
Or how she looked at me when her guard was down. And then the way she freaked out and got into her head, only to cut off my view of those beautiful silver eyes at the last second.
And yet, I sat there trying to hide the fact that I knew her so well. All these months I had tried to give her space and time. She was going through so much and I knew it would take a little while for her to adjust. She was still working on the adjusting part. For some reason, I wanted to be the one that was there for her. I wanted to be the person she turned to when she felt like she was about to crumble. The person she sought out when she needed to be held. The one to listen to her while she was trying to work through it all.
But I was stupid.
Because I only ended up being the one she called when she needed a distraction.
I was a fool.
An idiot.
A joke.
Waiting and holding out for her to admit how she felt, for her to open her eyes and see how much I truly cared about her had done me no good. It had only managed to cut a little more away from me each day that passed.
I realized everything we might have had, or could have had, was bullshit. We weren’t heading in some direction because there was never going to be anything more than what there was. I had spent these last few months falling harder and harder for the girl that I thought could be the one. All the while, she never saw me past the wrinkled sheets that covered her bed.
So as I downed the rest of my beer, I decided that I was done. Sure it was going to be hard to quit her cold turkey but I knew it would be the best thing for both of us. I never thought I was a weak man. Not until Laurel came along. We weren’t going anywhere. I was just keeping her distracted when what she really needed to do was face her problems head-on.
And as far as I went? Well, I needed to stop wishing and hoping for something that was never going to be.
I set my empty bottle down on the table. I really wanted another one but I wasn’t going to have it here. I’d be damned if I was going to spend another second sitting in this bar and suffering in silence like a pathetic asshole.
I stood, said my goodbyes to my brothers around me, and made my way to the back door.
It became clear to me tonight, that I cared about her more than she wanted me to. And sadly, that made me one pathetic motherfucker. She would never let me in all the way. She’d never want to be mine in the light of day. She wouldn’t ever want me to stay.
All the things that I’d been holding onto suddenly didn’t matter. Things that I thought made me special because I knew them or was the lucky one that got to be a part of them. I knew things that not many people knew. I saw parts of her that she tried desperately to keep hidden. Those were the moments that got to me the most, when she would unknowingly let her guard down and let me in. It was that part of her that like a stupid fuck I couldn’t get enough of. Those private moments were the ones that I’d come to crave as they carved themselves into my heart each time.
It was her laugh. Not the fake one that she let everyone else hear. No, it was the one where her head fell back and she got those cute little crinkles next to her eyes. The very one where she temporarily forgot all her worries of showing laugh lines and wrinkles. The one that was so open and free that her tongue jumped along with the beautiful sound.
Or the times I could see the insecurity in her eyes. When the high and mighty, need to be perfect woman was gone and in its place was the one that was unsure if her true self was good enough.
Like I’d really ever be after her for her name or prestige. Or gave a fuck what kind of connections would come along with being with her. Not that she had that now, but I knew those thoughts were always there in the back of her mind. It was how she was raised and it would be something that would take a long time to shake.
I started thinking about all the times I had spent with her. All the things that only I got to see. All the shit that I loved about her. Most of it she probably wasn’t even aware of. And I realized that I had tricked myself into thinking that it had meant more than it did. Simple things that were actually big, in a way. Like the fact that she pretended to hate it when I called her my Queen. But really she melted inside and her eyes always gave her away. Or the way it always made her grow a little stronger, her spine sit a little straighter, her shoulders pulled back a little more, and her chin tilted upward just the slightest amount.
But after her display tonight, I realized that it meant nothing. That I was just seeing things that I wanted to see.
The air was thick from the humidity but there was a coolness starting to settle into the night air. As I took in a lungful, I felt like my lungs were as weighted down as my soul. And I wasn’t sure how to move on from here.
