Page 56 of B-ry
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
B-ry
Dear Bryan,
This is probably absurd but I don’t feel like I can hold it all in anymore. I realize this is just a silly fling to you and I have no right holding feelings for you. It wasn’t like I wanted it to happen. I mean, look at us. We are two different people. You are strong and have your life all figured out. Me, well, we can’t even try to deny that I’m a mess, right? I have nothing figured out. I don’t even know who I am. You have a family to watch your back and mine dropped me like a hot potato. I am not trying to play the ‘oh, poor me’ card here. I just want you to know that I understand it. And I see that it is possibly ridiculous that I even thought we could ever have something more.
That doesn’t change the fact that I sort of love everything about you. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. And I mean everything. From the food that you bring me that I know you just didn’t happen to pick up because you were hungry. I may be blonde but I’m not that dense. I didn’t miss the fact that you stayed on nights when I felt weak and lost. Every single time.
You are perfect to me and everything I would ever want in a man. I see you and I never took it for granted though it may have seemed like I did. I am scared. Terrified, actually. I want to open myself up to you but I feel like it would only ruin what we have. I’m your fun time and I get that. I don’t want to change what we have because I’m so scared to lose the scraps that I already have of you. I think the worst thing would be if I never had another night with you. You make me smile and forget everything that is weighing me down. You look at me like I’m actually beautiful when I know I am a disaster. Come on, who could love a girl with as many roots showing as I have going on. Or one that doesn’t even bother to try anymore. You never once looked at me with disgust because I hang out in ratty sweats. Things I never imagined I would be caught dead in.
Even though I know it is wrong, I can’t help how I feel. I worry about you when you have ‘club business’ or rush off with no explanation. I hate not knowing what is going on and that I’m the last person you come to when it is all over. But I wish you knew how much it cuts me and sets me on edge.
I’m writing this all down because I know I will never be brave enough to say it to your face. I kind of hope that by getting it out it will somehow give me the strength to hold myself together. I’m not ready to give you up just yet. Or ever.
Love,
Your Queen
I read her words over and over. So many times over the past few days that I didn’t really need to look down at the paper to see them scroll through my mind.
I finally saw myself through her eyes and it was nothing like what I’d been thinking. I wouldn’t lie, her words were like a lightning bolt to the heart. She was wrong, though. I didn’t see her as the mess she thought she was. She was beautiful and so strong even if she didn’t see it. She lost everything. Every-fucking-thing. And she never complained. She still held her head high. She found a way to crawl out of the hole that she’d been pushed down into.
To me, she was unbreakable.
She was my Queen because it didn’t matter how life had kicked her around and down, she still made her own throne. And she sat on it with all the grace of a woman that had everything.
I missed her.
Her smile.
Her laugh.
But I think I missed her fight the most.
Wherever she was, I hoped she still had it.
Sitting there on my bed flicking the edge of the paper back and forth with my finger, I tried to quell my anger. It had nearly been two weeks since I’d seen her. Two weeks she was God knew the fuck where. There was nothing. It was like she just vanished.
Cable searched the feeds from all the cameras just to make sure we didn’t miss a single thing. Maybe this person had been waiting around. But all he managed to find was footage of a car rolling by slowly right after she had started on her way. It killed me to watch her walk off, her shoulders clearly slumped in defeat. I had done that. I knew it even if I kept my mouth shut. And everyone watching right then knew it was because of me too. I’d been as forthcoming as possible about the situation, even if I hated myself.
The car was a late model Buick. Those old ones that were all hard edges and like a damn boat on wheels. Black. The windows had been tinted so dark that even if there had been more light I knew we still wouldn’t have been able to see who was behind the wheel. So in other words, we had jack shit. Couldn’t even get a license plate number.
I had been out every day checking in the dark corners of the city only to come home empty every night. I headed straight for my room and would then drink the night away. Alone, yes. Not that you had to even ask. But I wouldn’t even doubt how I must have looked in other people’s eyes. I was a fuck-up. A man that didn’t care about women. As long as she was naked in some way. And sure, that had once been me. But not anymore.
There was only one woman that clouded my head. One woman that would be able to satisfy my every need. Oh, and I wasn’t just talking sexually. Once you had a taste of royalty, there was no going back, that was for sure. And Laurel was my royalty. My motherfucking Queen. The only woman that I would ever bow down to. The very one that I would give my life for without a second thought.
A knock sounded at my door and after I called out, they pushed it open. Iron stood there, his eyes looking as tired as I felt.
I crunched forward and quickly folded the letter back up. I set it on my nightstand before I gave him my full attention. It didn’t slip by him that my other hand remained around the neck of a half-full bottle of Jack.
He let out a long breath as he sat in the seat in the corner of my room.
“Somethin’ ain’t sitting right with this,” he finally said. “What is it that we’re missing?”
“What if she’s not even here?” It came out more like a statement than a question and my eyes couldn’t look up to meet Iron’s. “What if she’s been moved out of the city? The state? Hell, the country?” I didn’t bother saying the otherwhat ifbecause it wasn’t even an option. She had to be alive. I refused to believe that this was the end for us.
“She’s here. Don’t ask me how I know that, just a gut feeling. But, I’ve also been around long enough in this life to know that you should always trust your gut.”
