Page 19 of Mouse
He did all of these things without expectations. Without an ulterior motive. Without looking for something in return.
The smile slipped from my face as I pictured the man I’d seen earlier today.
He was not the same one that I knew back then.
He wasn’t the same man that I’d written to over the years I’d been gone.
He wasn’t the same man that had sent me letters back.
I felt like I didn’t even know him.
What bothered me the most was that I couldn’t figure out what had changed.
I sat up and clicked on my bedside lamp. The letters that he’d sent me were right there within reach and I didn’t hesitate to do just that.
One by one, my eyes scanned over the words that I already knew by heart.
Most of them were simple. A few lines letting me know that he was getting my letters and that he was doing fine. But then there were some that had a totally different tone. Ones that I tried my hardest not to read too much into. Lines like, ‘some days, I miss you harder than others’ stuck out making my heart beat a little louder and harder. But he had also said right after that he didn’t know if it was right.
I had no clue what he meant by it all but I felt something deeper in those written words. And I couldn’t deny that they felt like they had been ripped straight from my soul.
I cared about him deeply, even if at times he seemed a little distant. I was a pretty clueless about what to do in a situation like this. I wondered if I should have sent him a letter letting him know that I was returning. I honestly wasn’t sure why I hadn’t. The last couple of months there were a little hectic. I knew my time at Glow Woods was coming to an end and I was trying to make sure that I was really truly ready. My time became about me when I wasn’t being a mom. I did a lot of soul-searching, as one of the group session leaders called it. I sat alone with my thoughts and listened to my feelings. I dug deep within myself to make sure that I was making the right call in leaving.
In the end, I was nervous but so very ready to spread my wings and fly, as Mouse had put it.
I had done what I’d gone there to do. Sure, I didn’t exactly feel normal, but what I realized was that I didn’t really go there to learn how to be normal, to be like everyone else. Maybe at seventeen I couldn’t really see it or explain it, but what I was really searching for was clarity. Answers to all the questions in my head. Ways to relearn how to do things the right way at a pace that didn’t make me feel overwhelmed. And maybe even a place to find people that understood what I was going through to a certain degree. I went there to work on me. To find the true person that I was. The first step to that was getting my head on straight and I think to do that, I had to take a step away from Ky and all those that loved me here.
I knew in my heart that he and Chris and everyone else wanted what was best for me, but they didn’t understand at first that they weren’t the ones that could give that to me at the point I was at.
The thing I still struggled with was trying to find the differences in the person I used to be and the one I was now. Sometimes I liked to say that I was too close to really be able to see it.
I guessed only time would tell.
