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That should have been simple enough.
“How are you really feeling about going back there?”
I wasn’t sure what to call it. Home felt like such a strange word to me. It was more the people that felt like home but I also hadn’t been there long enough to really be able to put that label on it. But I wanted it to be.
“I’m a little scared. I want everything to work out but I’m also afraid that I will come back and disrupt everyone’s life again.”
I took in a deep breath. Sometimes it made me feel better to admit things out loud but I wasn’t sure if now was one of those times.
“It’s just…” I let the words die off as I tried to think of the right way to put it. “It has been two years. A lot can change in that time. I know I have changed. What if I go back there and everything is different? What if I can’t find a way to fit in?”
I knew she wasn’t really going to give me any advice.
“Ingram,” she said and my gaze instantly snapped to hers. There was a sigh in her tone and I felt like she was letting the hard therapist exterior slip a little. “I have to be honest, I’m not sure about you leaving here and going to get caught up in a motorcycle club. From what you’ve told me, they seem like good, supportive people. But the thing is, Ingram, sometimes, their world can be different than the one the rest of us live in.”
I stared at her blankly.
I wasn’t really sure what she was trying to say.
And maybe I didn’t see it because I wasn’t used to this world that she lived in. With my background, nothingnormalseemednormal. I didn’t even know what normal was.
“I only worry that after all the work you’ve done here, you’re going to walk away and find yourself in anothersituation.” I still wasn’t getting what she was saying.
But I guessed it didn’t really matter because it was done. I was going back to live with Ky and Chris. I had a home there. I had love and support there. And I had never felt anything but protection from the other members of the club.
“Ky is my brother. And Chris loves me and Chry,” I said like that should have somehow been enough. I wasn’t understanding why it wouldn’t be.
I was pretty sure I heard her sigh under her breath. Which seemed a little out of character for her.
“What are you’re plans moving forward? How will you take care of Chry and work?” she asked, changing tactics.
“I plan to get a job and I’m sure between the three of us, Chry will be taken care of. And if I have to seek out help, I am prepared to look into daycares.” It was as honest as I could get right now. While I was nervous about the daycare thing, I had already made the decision that if I had to, then I would. As long as I was taking care of Chry and myself, then it would be worth it.
“And you’re going to be alright with letting him go like that?”
I looked at her strangely.
“Look, Ingram. I’m not trying to be negative here, I only want to make sure that you are prepared for everything. You have made great progress here and I would hate for you to go back to your brother’s place and become overwhelmed.”
“I understand what you’re saying,” I told her looking her in the eyes. “I do worry about things I’m still unsure of but I also know that I will have support back home. My real home. That is where Chry and I belong. I think you know me well enough by now that you can see that I don’t shut down and get tripped up by the smallest thing. And that if I need help, I know all I have to do is ask.”
She gave me a nod and a genuine smile.
“Then, I suppose there is nothing else to say,” her tone was light and I relaxed a little. I wasn’t sure if she was testing me or if it was something else, but I felt like if it was a test, I may have passed. “You can always call me and if you want to find someone down there to see, I can help you with that too.”
“Thank you,” I told her and got to my feet. “I think that I’m ready to face the world but I will not hesitate to reach out if I feel the need to.”
I left her office and headed back to my room. I hadn’t come here with much but somehow over the last two years, I had accumulated a room full of things. I blamed a lot of that on Chris and Ky because over half of the stuff in the small space was Chry’s.
It felt strange to have things that were mine. It was odd to own little trinkets and such that didn’t really have a purpose. Like the clay flower that was brightly colored yellow. It was simply a decoration but it made me feel happy and warm whenever I looked at it.
I remembered the day I bought it. I had been working the farm’s stand at the local Farmer’s Market and took a little break to look around. I was checking out some fresh eggs from one of the farms nearby and I looked over and saw it in the next tent. There were so many handmade clay items. Vases, cups, plates, and so on. But what caught my eye was a small flower. It was shiny and when I touched the petals, it was smooth and cool under my fingertips. I knew I didn’t need it, but there was something in my head telling me that it was alright to want it. So I asked the woman behind the table how much and gave her some money I had earned from working.
She thanked me with a warm smile and I thought of that sometimes too when I looked at it.
I didn’t go overboard when I saw things that I liked. My room wasn’t cluttered and weighed down by objects everywhere. Still, I felt like I could let go of a few items.
So I spent the next few days playing with Chry and going through everything I had set aside to think about.
My car wasn’t all that big and I knew I had to make sure that what I was taking would fit in there.
I had one last group session and said my goodbyes. There was a cake after dinner celebrating the next step I was taking. I might have gotten a little teary eyed.
The next morning, after showing one of the ladies that helped run the place all the things I was leaving behind to be donated to some place, I packed up my car. Then I said my last goodbyes to the few people I’d become close to. Which, I could admit were a little sad. I knew I’d never see or talk to these people again. It was better that way. Or so I thought.
Keep moving forward, I constantly told myself. I would find a little place in this world for myself and I believed that one day they would as well.
