Page 66 of Mouse
“Chris, do you mind if we go for a walk on the beach?” Ingram asked and honestly, it threw me off for a moment.
“Not at all. I was going to make a sandwich and relax for a bit,” he responded.
I turned my head to look at him and the fucker sent me a wink.
Ingram stood and held her hand out to me. I didn’t hesitate to take it and follow her out the back door.
My mind and body were buzzing and I was only half aware of her grabbing a blanket from the back porch before we headed toward the sound of the crashing waves.
We walked in silence for a bit and then she stopped and spread out the blanket.
“Thanks for watching Chry tonight,” Ingram said softly. “And everything else you’ve done.”
“Not a problem,” I replied as I plopped down on the blanket beside her. “You doing okay?”
Her answer was hesitant.
“Yes. No. Honestly, I kind of feel like I’m clueless about a lot of things.”
“You know you can talk to me?” I said and I couldn’t help but take her hand and interlace our fingers.
“Would it make sense if I said I have no clue what I need to talk about?”
“You’re doing a good job with him, Ingram. He’s a great kid and I know that’s because of you,” I told her even though I had a feeling it didn’t have a thing to do with Chry.
“I don’t know what I’m doing. I think that’s the hardest thing to admit. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” I said with a small nod of my head. Strangely, I felt the same way. I felt that way about Ingram and that was something I wasn’t sure what to do with.
“I feel like I ask a lot of you.”
“You don’t,” I rushed to say. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.” She looked at me pointedly and I huffed out a laugh. “Okay, fine. I would because you’re family to us, Ingram. You have to know that by now. Anything you ever need, all you have to do is say so.”
I wanted to say more. To tell her how much she and Chry meant to me but I held back because the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like I was pushing.
“I know,” she said and her eyes shifted away from mine.
“What is it?”
“Sometimes. Oh, I don’t know. Sometimes it gets lonely. I mean, I know I have Chry. And of course Chris and Ky. As well as everyone at the club and all the girls. It just…”
“Gets lonely?” I could admit that I felt the same way sometimes. Even though I’d asked, I completely knew what she was saying.
“Well, yeah. It’s hard sometimes, to be surrounded by all these wonderful people and see the love they have for one another. And don’t get me started on Chris and my brother.” She rolled her eyes but the smile was a dead giveaway to how she really felt about it. “I don’t know any of that. I didn’t get to fall in love and have that experience where you have some deeper connection. I’m basically a virgin but I’m not. You know? And how am I supposed to— this is weird talking to you about this stuff, no?”
“I mean,” I said scratching the back of my neck.
Okay, yeah it was a little bit.
What the hell was I supposed to say to that?
“And how do I know if all of these things I’m feeling are real?” She kept going like it didn’t matter that I was stumbling. “Like how am I supposed to know that what I feel is true or if I’m just clinging onto the first person that came along and showed me kindness. Or maybe I’m latching onto one event that brought us closer together. Something we shared that no one else was a part of.”
“What are you saying, Ingram?” It was clear that she was talking about me. Yeah, my heart was about to beat out of my chest.
“Dr. Walsher said that I was grasping for something good in an ugly situation. That maybe I wasn’t old enough to understand things. But I think she had it a little wrong. I may have been sheltered in some ways, but in others… well, I got things that maybe other people wouldn’t. Things that people should not ever have to get. I understand the difference between being forced to do something and wanting to share something special with someone. Malcolm, I just need to know that I’m not crazy.”
“I don’t think you are. But what do you mean?” I asked and was so afraid to hear the answer. But deep inside I knew. I knew what she was talking about because I felt it too.
