Page 94 of Killer Blonde
Then again, it was Axe. And that was pretty much the only explanation there was for the man.
The thing was, when I saw what I already confirmed on the pregnancy test this morning, I had this peaceful feeling wash over me. And I already had it in my head that I was going to make sure this kid had an amazing mother. I even believed that I could pull it off.
Change was good sometimes.
Sure, it was scary and there were times when you got thrown into something that felt more like a setback than anything. But I was here. My choices had taken me away from Silas but they had also brought me back to him. And I truly believed that was the way it was supposed to be. I didn’t know if I would have gotten the love from the same man if things had turned out differently. So all the bad shit didn’t matter anymore. All the poor choices and really messed up situations, they got this life to a good end.
Some might have said that forever started today. That it truly began on the day you stood next to the one you loved and vowed your every breath to them with meaning.
I say forever started the day Silas came back into my life when I thought it was the end.
Yeah, he was a killer.
But he was also a savior.
And he was my forever.
Silas
Holy shit!
I’d like to tell you that I wasn’t freaking out, but I was.
Full-on panic mode right now.
And while you might think that I’d had quite a few months to prepare for this, it didn’t become real until right this second.
The moment I got to hold my son in my arms for the first time.
All I kept thinking was I was going to screw this up.
Before I found love in Jessica, I never even considered having kids. It wasn’t anywhere in the realm of possibilities for me. And sure, I wasn’t a working killer now, but at one point I had been. How was I supposed to raise a kid with a past like that? What did I have to offer him? To teach him? I knew I couldn’t fucking teach him how to be a contract killer. Yeah, I got how wrong that was now. Like really, truly got how fucked up that would be.
Oh, and we couldn’t forget that he was going to grow up and wonder how mommy and daddy met. That was a story I couldn’t share with him. I couldn’t tell him that kind of truth. And obviously, I wasn’t good at the whole lying thing. I mean, I could do it well, but that didn’t mean that I liked it. Or that feeling that ate away at me constantly.
“Silas,” Jessica said my name and I snapped my head up to look at her. “We’re probably going to mess this up. We’re going to make mistakes. We’re going to feel clueless on what to do. We’re probably even going to drop him on his head at least once.”
She sounded so calm. I didn’t get it. And that smile, fuck, it was so soothing and beautiful. Just the thing I needed right now even though her words were not helping me at all.
“And we’re going to constantly be asking ourselves if we’re doing it right,” she went on. “But I think that’s the way it’s supposed to go.”
“That is the worst motivational speech I’ve ever heard,” I told her with blinking eyes.
“Yeah, I know. Look at it this way,” she smiled again. That soft, sweet smile that made me feel like everything was going to be okay. “I love you. You love me. And we loved this little guy even before we met him.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with her.
“And we will do everything we can to protect him and show him how much he means to us.”
“Right.” I looked back down at my son with a sense of calm settling in my soul. “That I can do.”
-The End-
