Page 20 of Unspoken Confessions
8
Jameson
The days became somewhat routine. That was something I actually liked. I’d been able to slip into this role easily enough. Wake, take Mr. Movie Star for a walk, then feed him. And Austin, as well, since he’d return from the gym the community had at the clubhouse about the same time as Nick and I did.
Now that I knew Nick watched what he ate with the kind of attentiveness that I found ridiculous, I’d started making his breakfast with egg whites only. I’d even switched it up a couple of times and made him a smoothie. There was a ton of fresh fruit on hand, so I didn’t even feel guilty making one for Austin and myself as well.
Why was I cooking for him?
I didn’t have an answer for that. At least, not one that I wanted to admit to.
I could have brushed it off by saying that I was raised in a strict environment. Even if I hid behind that, I knew that wasn’t the real reason. And sure, my mother would have a heart attack if she even thought that I’d made myself something to eat without offering to do so for anyone around as well. So instead of asking, I just did and practically forced it on him.
Nick had been hesitant at first, but I could tell after that first day that he’d just given in to it. I tried not to question it but I was dying to know why he’d bowed down to me so easily. Maybe it was because I actually made something appetizing. Or it could have been that there was something inside him that simply couldn’t push back and stand up for himself. Whatever it was, I didn’t need to know to do this job, so it simply didn’t matter and it wasn’t worth the distraction trying to figure it out.
“Alright, I’m off to bed,” Austin said as he set his dish next to the sink then drained his coffee mug.
He bounded off and it was easy enough to hear him climb the stairs two at a time.
It was quiet for a moment as Nick picked at his omelet.
I wondered if he didn’t like it or if there was something else wrong.
But of course I wouldn’t dare ask.
I was between wanting him to hurry up and leave so I could drink my coffee in peace and wishing he would stay. Maybe he would do that thing where he’d talk for a bit even though I never responded back. He did that quite often around me. I hated it, and I didn’t. Maybe it was more like I wanted to hate it.
While I wanted to dislike him, I no longer had it in me to.
He had some deep-rooted shit going on but it was becoming obvious that he was making the best of whatever situation he’d put himself in. I might have figured someone like him would throw hate whenever he could. I’d seen it too many times before. And that hate, of course, would come from within. But watching him and Jen together, I could see that he wasn’t taking his unhappiness out on other people simply because of who they were.
“This job must suck for you,” Nick said sounding kind of sad. “It’s boring as hell, right? I don’t do much and it’s not like there’s anything dangerous going on in my life.”
I tried not to look at him because if I did, I knew I’d give it all away.
Truth be told, I didn’t like keeping him in the dark. But Jen was running the show and since he knew Nick better than I did, I had no choice but to believe he knew what was best for Mr. Movie Star.
“You know, I used to go out more,” he went on. “I had tons of friends. I mean, I guess they weren’t likerealfriends. But I had people to hang out with. I’d go to club openings and restaurants, and actuallydostuff. I wasn’t so dull.”
I wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, me or himself.
And if he was trying to impress me, it was far from working. He was right, those people weren’t real friends. Not like Jen was. They were there to be close to fame. To possibly have their two seconds of it or get something from Nick they thought they could get. I was sure he saw it, just as I was sure it hurt him deeply once he realized it.
“I used to do my own grocery shopping. I actually liked grocery shopping. Can you believe that?”
I snorted. I couldn’t hold it in.
“Right?! Like who likes that shit? But I do. I like to start at the fresh produce and pick a bunch of veggies out. Then instantly come up with ways I could use them in cooking. I’m only okay at cooking, just so you know. Think basic, I have mastered that.” He laughed, that cute, dorky laugh, and I smiled.
I still refused to look at him, which I figured was okay since he wasn’t looking at me either. We must have made for an interesting picture, the two of us sitting there at the island with one space between us looking as if we didn’t know each other. And with only one of us talking, I could just imagine how crazy it appeared.
But what he didn’t know was that I actually liked listening to him talk. His voice was usually smooth and even, but when he’d start these one-sided rambles, there was always a hint of shakiness there like he was nervous. Like he was about to open up and tell things that not many people knew. Like he was giving me his secrets. And yes, I had started to wish for them all even though I shouldn't have. I’d take whatever he gave me and I’d hold it close forever.
“Anyway, I guess it was because it reminded me that I had my independence. That I could still do things for myself and I had full control over whatever I picked up while shopping. Stupid, huh?” His head shook back and forth a few times. “But then I couldn’t even do that. No matter where I went, I was recognized. And it became so overwhelming that I started to dread going out. First, I stopped going to clubs and eating out, then I even stopped doing my own shopping.”
He was silent for a long time. I hated myself because I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hug him until he forgot everything that made him sad.
I clenched my fist and burned a hole in the marble countertop with my stare. Every part of my body was locked up and I knew I looked as if I was pissed. Except, that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
