Page 56 of Unspoken Confessions
20
Nick
“Well this is interesting,” Jen said as he came into the white room without a single care and saw Jameson sitting on the couch like he belonged there.
I guess this was no longer my sanctuary.
I really didn’t want Jen here. I was still furious with him.
I was pretty sure I’d fired him. Clearly, he hadn’t been joking when he’d ignored it yesterday and here he was proving a point. Really, though, like I’d fire him. The thought was laughable. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t ready to throw him out right now though. Except, I couldn’t. Not with the shakiness in his tone that I could tell he was trying very hard to cover up. And not with the way he was barely meeting my eyes.
He looked like shit. Yeah, he was put together and his clothes were pressed, but if you really looked at him, it was easy to see his that eyes were puffy and red. And since I could tell he wasn’t hungover, I knew it was because he’d probably spent at least part of the night crying.
I glanced at Jameson and with a single look, knew that he was seeing the same thing I was. He rose to his feet and sent me a long look to make sure I didn’t want him to stay.
I hadn’t realized how I’d gotten used to his silent way of communication in the short time he’d been around.
I guess the man wasn’t such a closed book after all.
I gave him a soft nod as if saying I would be fine without him.
Then he headed for the door, giving Jen a light, quick squeeze of comfort on his shoulder. Jen’s gaze was down, but lifted slightly at the move.
Once we were alone, Jen turned away from me like he was trying to gather himself to speak.
See, Jen didn’t apologize for shit. Ever. I wasn’t expecting him to now. I figured it would be like all the other times when he’d gone a little too far. We’d pretend it never happened and move on. This time it might have taken me a little longer to get there, but I was sure it would happen. However, with the way he was acting, I wondered if there wasn’t something monumental coming. I felt the need to brace myself.
I stood, ready to go to him if he looked like he was about to break. Because even if I hated him for what he did yesterday, I’d always need and love him as a friend. I walked around the desk and stood at his side, studying his turned-in posture like it was the strangest thing I’d ever seen.
“Daddy says I fucked up,” he said softly.
I blinked at him. I always thought the Daddy comments were to get a rise out of anyone that was around— mostly me. But the way he said it and how his eyes were downcast toward the floor made me think that not only might that be his thing, but that he possibly had a Daddy that he felt comfortable enough around to share his day with.
I hated the way my stomach dropped at the realization that I didn’t know his life like I thought I did.
I was a horrible friend.
Still, that didn’t take away the fact that what he’d done to me was so far beyond fucked up.
“What?” I asked in hopes that he’d repeat it so I could make sure I’d heard him right.
“Uh, oh, um.” He was blushing like I’d never seen him blush before. Matter of fact, I don’t think I’d ever seen him blush. Not much got to Jen, at least not on the outside. “This guy that I have an on-and-off thing with.” His hand waved in the air flippantly but I could tell there was something more there. “Well, I felt bad after I left and so I called him up. I was wrong and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said, especially not in front of Jameson.”
“Jen, I—”
“No,” he said sharply with a shake of his head. He began to pace as he started wringing his hands together, and all I could do was wait for him to start talking again. “I never should have done that to you. I never should have taken that away. I can’t even tell you why I did it. I love you, Nick, you know that right?”
I did, and all I could do was nod since I was too afraid that if I spoke he would clam up. He needed to get it all out as much as I needed to hear it.
“I see you. I always have. And I never want to push you because, God knows, I know how hard it is. Coming out… well, it wasn’t such a good experience for me. I was unlucky enough to have shitty parents, but I was also lucky enough to have an awesome aunt that took me in. And because of what happened to me, she has opened up a house to help others out there that might not be so lucky. Anyway, that’s not the point right now. Look, I’ve been by your side for a long time. I get how all this shit works and even though it makes me sick, I understand the reasons you haven’t come out. I hate them, but I get it.”
He stopped, rolled his eyes, and did that hair thing that I hated.
“You are my friend and it pains me to see you living this life… this life where you almost hate yourself.”
“I don’t hate myself,” I said immediately and tried to look as if I believed it.
Now that he’d said that, I became aware that I kind of did. It was hard hiding who I was and I hated that I had to. So somewhere along the way, I had started to turn that hate inward because I wasn’t sure where else to put it. This was within my control, and it was my choice to keep it a secret. It didn’t matter the reasons behind it, at the end of the day, it was my fucking choice. So really, I had no one to blame but myself.
