Page 57 of Unspoken Confessions
“Well, you’re not happy and you’re holding yourself back,” he said back.
“Fine, maybe I am, but it’s my fucking business and my life.”
“I know, I know,” he said, hands in the air as if telling me he didn’t want to fight.
I huffed out a breath. That angry feeling washed over me again. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to do this. I was still too raw.
“Why?” I asked with force in my tone. “Can you just explain that to me? Because I’m pissed and it was like I didn’t even know that person yesterday. You’ve never done anything that hurtful to me before. Not even close. It was so unlike you, which has me thinking there has to be something I’m missing here. So I need to know why you had this need to do something like that.”
“Honestly,” he said, tears welling in his eyes and since Jen hated to cry, I knew they weren’t for the sake of being dramatic or to get sympathy. He flopped down on the couch, hands folded neatly in his lap. “I saw what neither of you could. Like, I didn’t even notice it at first. But once I caught on, there was no missing it. I didn’t see it until I tried to…”
“Yeah, can we not,” I cut in.
“Right, sorry.” He looked deflated for a second. “I felt guilty. Do you know what that’s like? That is not a feeling I like at all and it never happens to me. Anyway. So there you are, watching Jameson’s every move a little too intently, if you know what I’m saying. Then there’s Jameson looking all longingly at you behind your back.”
I snorted because that image of Jameson just didn’t fit right.
“It’s true. You never see it but I do. And it’s annoying.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm as I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah, whatever. As I was saying, it’s annoying and also so fucking cute and… Fine! I’ll admit it. I’m fucking jealous. Not about either one of you specifically. I love you, Nickie Boy, but not like that. And Jameson… we both know it wouldn’t have been more than an experience.”
I had to hold back a laugh as he tried to explain it all in his very Jen-like way. Sad thing was, I understood it completely.
“Your point?” I asked with a small smile.
“I’m jealous that you have someone to look at you like that. You have this man that, behind his gruff exterior, has a kind heart and will bend over backward to make you happy. I think he’s good for you and I didn’t want for you to miss something amazing because you’re too scared and blind to see what is right in front of you. And yeah, maybe I was hurt a little and went a bit overboard, but I also didn’t know what else to do. If you pass this up, you might not ever get it again. And that’s just fucking sad, Nick. No, it’s tragic. Because a lot of us out there are wishing that we could find someone to look at us like that.” His head ducked and the next words came out in a sad whisper. “I just want someone to look at me like that.”
He swallowed hard, his gaze dropping to the floor. Fuck, I couldn’t believe how I’d missed it. All this time, all the playing around that he did, it was because he was as lonely as I was. I’d be damned if it didn’t break my heart. Jen and I had a lot in common, obviously, some of those things were unsaid, but I never realized just how much we were alike.
“It was wrong,” he said, eyes on his hands. “I might have done it for mostly the right reasons but I see it was wrong.”
“Come here,” I said as I pulled on his arm. We fell back into the couch and his head went to my shoulder. This time I didn’t try to shake him off.
“You know you can trust me, right?” he asked, tone sad like I’ve never heard it before.
“It’s not about that. Of course, I fucking trust you. I let you run my life, for crying out loud. It’s about me. And if I admit it to one person, then everything could have the potential of crumbling around me. Not to mention that I’d never put that on you. I would never ask you to share that secret with me, because that’s just not something you do to someone you care about.”
“Then what is the point of having close friends? Of trusting people? If you can’t count on them to stand on your side and support you silently or fucking loudly, however you might need it, what is the point of even having them in your life?”
I opened my mouth to respond but found that I didn’t have a single thing to say back to that. Jen was right. And I wished I’d seen it that way before.
It would be two little words. Two simple, short words. They should have been easy enough to say. But I couldn’t because the weight of everything that came along with saying them out loud.
He sighed when I didn’t say anything for a long time.
“It’s okay, Nickie, I get it.” He sat up and patted my leg patronizingly so. “We can just pretend that Jameson doesn’t have a delicious ass.”
I shot him an unhappy look. Okay, so maybe I had a small jealous streak inside. He just laughed at me and carried on.
“Or that you’ve never wondered what it would be like to have his hands all over you.”
“Oh, I don’t have to wonder.”
As soon as those words were out, my hand slapped over my mouth like I couldn’t believe I’d said them. It wasn’t like he didn’t know it. So it shouldn’t have felt so shocking to actually say it now. They slipped out so naturally and it felt extremely freeing. But then hearing my own voice ringing in my ears with them was almost too much for me to handle.
Jen’s laugh died down once he realized I was freaking out.
