Page 59 of Unspoken Confessions
21
Jameson
I went to bed later that night and still hadn’t seen Nick by the time I’d headed to my room to take a shower. I guess he and Jen were patching things up. Or he was in that room trying to figure out what to do with Jen’s body. I really hoped that wasn’t the case. I mean, I was pretty sure it wasn’t. They needed to talk so, even though it was hard for me, I left them alone.
I was a little exhausted, honestly. Part of me wanted to head down to the living room and part of me just wanted to sleep.
Sleep won out.
I knew it had to since the most important thing was being on my A-game to ensure Nick’s safety. For some reason, I went to the door and left it open a crack. A silent invitation for him to come crawl into the bed with me if he wanted to. Or if he didn’t overthink it too much, which I was sure he would.
I flopped down on the mattress and was pretty sure my eyes were closed before my head even hit the pillow.
I had no idea how long I’d been out, but I snapped awake at the noise of something in the hall. I sat up and reached for my gun on the side table.
“It’s me,” Nick whispered quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t know if you were awake. I… never mind. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Nick.” His name came out short and gruff. My voice was thick with sleep but at least it had caught his attention. “Come in.”
“I shouldn’t be here,” he said as he shuffled over the threshold but didn’t come any closer.
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t want to be alone.”
I nodded, not sure if he saw it since there wasn’t a light on. Then I flipped the covers back and scooted over to the middle of the bed.
His shadowy figure moved closer, his steps were timid and unsure. And as he softly closed the door behind him, I wondered how big the war inside his head was. But his need to be close to me won out and I had to smile a little.
He crawled into the bed and snuggled up into my side. His head went to my chest and his hand rested on my stomach. I tossed the covers over both of us and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, holding him close.
I didn’t bother asking if there was anything he wanted to talk about. I had a good feeling in my gut he’d start up soon enough.
“I think I’m spent and emotionally drained,” he said softly.
With a big exhale, his body relaxed into mine.
He was tired but his head was going a million miles a minute. I could practically hear him thinking. Probably trying to sort out everything that had happened and how to even start talking about it.
“I’m really mad at him— at Jen. I don’t want to be, but I’m fucking hurt he did that to me.”
I didn’t blame him. What Jen had done yesterday was really shitty. I couldn’t say that I hated the fact that he’d just put all that shit out there since I was the type of person that liked to handle things instead of run away from them. Except, I wasn’t really sure about what was going on when it came to Nick. Just like Jen said, he was deep in the closet and I would never want to push him toward something he wasn’t ready for. That move, well, it would have to be made on his own. He would have to be ready for it. All I could do was be there for him when he was. If he wanted me there, that was. I suppose that was important too.
“I guess my struggles are too much for him.” A short, humorless laugh pushed its way out of his mouth and I wrapped my arm tighter around him. “He told me a bunch of things, but basically the point was that he didn’t want to see me hurting anymore. And that you seem to be a good guy, he didn’t want me to miss out on that. I guess I can see what he’s talking about.”
The last part came out with a hint of humor ringing in his tone. I reached over and lightly pinched his stomach. He batted my hand away and laughed.
That moment was everything. It was simple and short. It was right in the middle of him spilling his guts to me but it was so important. It showed that he was comfortable enough around me to be his true self. That even though he was giving me things he probably would have rather kept inside, he wasn’t having to force himself to tell me. That one little comment told me that the man beside me right now was the true Nick Sterling. No masks. No fake smiles. No pretending he had to be something else.
With a calming breath, things grew thick again. He wasn’t done and I would be here for him until he set the last word free.
“I’m so mad at him. I’m pissed, you know. Then he goes and explains all of that and fucking apologizes. I’m not sure if you know this, but Jen doesn’t apologize.” I chuckled at that because I definitely got that Jen was very much the ‘take me as I am or fuck off’ type. I understood him better than most probably since I was the same way, just a little less flashy and bold about it. “Kind of hard to be mad at him when he said all that shit. I want to hate him, you know, because he hurt me and betrayed me. But, he’s Jen, and I love him. I don’t have anyone else and I can never replace him.”
His head tilted back and I could feel him trying to study me through the darkness. My fingers drifted up and down his arm. I loved the feeling of his skin against my fingertips.
“Aren’t you mad at him? I mean, I guess I haven’t thought about it much. Sorry that you got caught up in it too.”
“No,” I said with a shrug. There were things Jen had said that I wasn’t happy about, but I couldn’t be mad at him for the push that I’d been waiting for. Especially, when it seemed as if it was the first step in bringing Nick and me closer. That said… “I didn’t like that he did that to you. For that, I’m angry. But I realize it’s between you two to work out and if you forgive him, then I will too. But if you’re asking me if I’m mad because he said the truth, then I’m not. Granted, the way he went about it was uncalled for.”
