Page 77 of Unspoken Confessions
I had not one fucking clue what to say to that.
She must have sensed that because she turned her attention back to the headstone.
“You keep goin’ like you’re goin’ and you might as well dig a hole in the ground right beside her,” she said before stepping away.
I heard her footfalls crunching over the dried grass. Eventually, they faded to nothing.
I stood there for a long time blindly staring ahead.
Then I cleared my throat and looked down at my wife’s name.
“I never stopped loving you,” I said and felt a little odd talking out loud to the wind.
She wasn’t here and that was what I believed. But maybe… what if she was holding on until I let go. More guilt swarmed in my gut and I was sure that wasn’t what Helen had meant for me.
“Fuck, Kelly, this wasn’t what I wanted for us. We were supposed to grow old together. Do all that shit we joked about. Like how we said we’d stop shaving when we hit fifty just to see if you could grow your armpit hair as long as my beard. Remember that?” I smiled thinking about the odd, stupid shit we used to come up with. “We were supposed to paint the bedroom in that ugly pink color you loved. And redo the bathroom so that the size of the tiles matched but not the colors. I remember how that drove you up the wall, seeing what a shit job was done in that bathroom. And make the porch bigger so we could fit two rocking chairs on it.”
I closed my eyes, fighting against the tears.
“We were supposed to adopt a pregnant cat so we could be surprised by how many new additions to our family we’d get. I have a confession, I wanted that one the most. I know, I know. I don’t even like cats. But it would have been with you and I wanted everything with you.”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the necklace I was going to give her that year for our anniversary.
I turned the little gold heart pendant over and over with my fingers.
“Never stop laughing. Never stop loving,” I said reciting the words I had engraved on it. “I’m failing you even now. I can’t laugh freely. I can’t let myself love. And how am I supposed to do that again when you are the one I’m supposed to be laughing with? When you’re the one that I’m supposed to be loving? When I can’t stop feeling like I’m betraying you by caring for someone else?”
I took in a deep breath and looked up at the sky.
“I never stopped loving you. And I don’t think I ever will. But maybe it’s time…” My head shook and I let my chin drop back down as I focused in on her name again. “Maybe it’s time to open my heart again.”
Holy fuck.
Just saying those words both sliced me to pieces and made me feel free at the same time.
“I’m sorry for not seeing everything until it was too late. I should have done better. I promise, I won’t make that mistake again. Maybe that isn’t something I should be saying to you, but I hope that it might give you some kind of peace. If you’re holding on, please don’t. I think it’s time we both are free.”
My throat was dry at the thought that I was about to walk away after all of that. That I’d turn around a different man. Not new, not completely changed, but maybe a little better. I’d have promises to keep the moment I turned and faced life again. I’d have to make damn sure I kept them. And while I didn’t have a problem about doing that, it was the fact that I’d be doing it because I was letting her go. That was the part that killed me.
But hadn’t holding on to her been killing me all along?
Really, I had been dead inside since she died.
I leaned down and placed the necklace just under her headstone.
Then I took one last look, knowing this wouldn’t be the last time I’d come here, but feeling like it wouldn’t be the same the next time I returned.
“Rest easy,” I whispered.
I turned and walked away. My steps felt heavy, almost as if my body was refusing to leave. But with each one I took, I felt this thread that had been pulled tight these last few years begin to unravel. Soon it wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer. And I felt the moment it snapped and fell away. The very same moment I looked up and met Nick’s empathetic and scared eyes as he stood outside the SUV waiting to make sure I was okay.
“Thank you,” I told him when I was close enough that he’d hear my raw words.
He said nothing in return but I read so much in his eyes.
Then he reached out to grab my hand. It was just one quick squeeze but it meant so much to me. It meant everything. I gave in to the pull and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back giving me everything I needed.
Then I broke.
The tears leaked out and my body shook as a few sobs slipped out.
He didn’t pull away. He didn’t try to shush me. He didn’t tell me it was okay.
He just held me while I fell apart.
