Page 26 of Unspoken Confessions
Okay, so he was.
I shook my head and laughed as I turned away before I got caught waiting for Jameson to pop into view again.
“Oh…” he said all knowingly, drawing out the word a little too long. “I guess we’re going to pretend that wasn’t the reason you were standing here for, like, forever, huh?”
There was a little snark in his tone, and a little humor. He didn’t expect me to answer and I wouldn’t.
“Did you need something or just coming to interrupt my quiet time?” I avoided answering him with a smile.
“I was just kind of wondering what you’re doing,” he responded and I could hear the hesitation in his voice.
“I thought it was obvious. Staring off and lost in thought. I wasn’t even aware—”
“No,” he said and I could see him shaking his head out of the side of my eye. “I mean… okay, don’t get pissed at me, alright? You seem a bit stagnant. Is there something going on that I need to know about? Are you, like, needing a break? Or about to break? Like do you need me to get you some help? Because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting help or reaching out. I’m here for you, Nickie, you know that right?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes at him.
What could I say? I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
I turned and walked over to the couch. As I flopped down, I let out a long, heavy breath.
“What’s going on?” Jen’s voice was filled with concern and worry. He sat down on the couch right beside me, crowding my space as usual.
“I honestly have no idea,” I said, my head tilting back to rest against the top of the cushion. “I feel like I’m in a rut? Maybe. I don’t know. Everything feels the same. Same role. Same act. Over and over. And any time I try to break out, the end product is not what I thought I’d signed up for. It just makes me wonder if I’m not boring. Can I only play one role? Am I just the charming, sexy lead?”
“Let me stop you,” he said, cutting in with a raised hand. “First, the sexy thing is debatable.”
“Oh, fuck off!” I said as I playfully snatched the pillow up beside me and smacked him dead in the chest with it. He giggled. I laughed. And I felt a little lighter.
“You want me to give it to you straight, right? That’s why you keep me around.” I raised a brow at him but said nothing. “I think you’re good, but that’s me. And I suppose you’re going to brush it away and tell me I don’t count.” He rolled his eyes.
I mock gasped.
“I would never. You count the most, Jen.”
“Awww. Butter me up, go ahead, it will get you everywhere.” He giggled again.
He settled into my side, his head going to my shoulder.
He did this a lot and like always, I shrugged trying to get him off me. But his head was like a lump of lead and glue, the damn thing held on for the ride. Just like every other time, I gave in and since we were in the shelter of my home, I leaned into him and rested my head on top of his.
He really was the best person. He knew what I needed when I needed it, even if I did try to fight it.
“I’m… stuck and unhappy and lonely,” I admitted in a whisper. A weight lifted off my chest and a part of me felt like I could cry. But of course, I wouldn’t let myself.
“So, take a break. Go to Europe and do some soul searching. Pick up some hotties along the way.”
“I don’t think that’s really going to help me.”
“I know. But the answer I want to give, you don’t want to hear. So, until then, I think you’re going to remain ‘stuck and unhappy and lonely.’ And that is something I can’t help you with. I can only tell you that I love you and you’re amazing and I’ll always be by your side, no matter what.”
He inhaled, his mouth hanging open for a few seconds as if he was hesitating on what he wanted to say.
“You are a butterfly, Nickie. A beautiful, sexy butterfly with the most impressive wings. I’m just waiting for you to break out of your cocoon and let the world see everything that I already can.”
“Fuck, you’re going to make me cry,” I told him and I felt the emotions churning inside of me.
We were silent for a long time, both of us staring blankly at the black TV screen.
