Page 30 of Unspoken Confessions
No, there was no fucking way.
My heart had been given away a long time ago.
It had turned black with the choices I’d made.
Then it had been ripped out and buried in the ground right alongside the love of my life.
I agreed that some people deserved a second chance.
But not me.
Not only was I not worthy of it, but I also didn’t fucking want it.
Damn Nick for coming into my life.
I didn’t want to like him.
I didn’t want tofeelfor him.
But I’d be damned, I did.
There was this small pulse in my chest that had secretly been growing stronger every day. I hadn’t noticed it at first. Or it could have been that I didn’t want to see it. But I couldn’t deny it a second longer. It was there and I was fucked.
Because now that I was aware of it, I couldn’t turn my back on it. I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t ignore it. And I sure as fuck couldn’t walk away from it.
But how was I supposed to let someone in that didn’t even want to be seen?
How did I let go and feel when the person I wanted couldn’t even let that part of himself free?
Sitting back wasn’t my style. Or at least, it didn’t use to be. When I felt, I went all in. That might be hard to believe since I was this closed-off asshole now. Trust me, if I could ignore it, I would have. However, what I was realizing right here in this very lonely, horribly decorated office room was that I was still me despite all the shit I’d been through. All the shit I’d caused. All that I’d lost at my own hands.
I sighed, raked my fingers through my hair, and dropped down into the chair behind me.
Talk about being one-hundred percent fucked.
And I didn’t have one damn clue how to deal with it.
Even if I was okay right now, Nick wasn’t in a place in his life to be responsive to my feelings. And yeah, I wasn’t dumb enough to miss all the little things that silently showed me he felt something for me too, even if it was on some small or hidden level. He probably realized it and hated himself for it.
Well, perhaps I had been wrong. I did deserve this.
I felt for someone that was untouchable.
What a way to torture me, life, thanks for that.
I guess it was a good thing I was a patient man.
Suddenly, protecting Nick was the most important thing I’d ever needed to do.
