Page 53 of Unspoken Confessions
19
Nick
The door flew open and in walked the man that had my mind way too distracted. Sure, I was sitting there with my laptop in front of me, but I hadn’t done a single thing on it. Matter of fact, it wasn’t even on. I guess I had only managed to lift the top open before I went off into Daydream Land.
I had this burst of ideas going through my head and I wanted to get them out. I think everything that happened last night had snapped something inside of me. I felt free, but I was still scared to acknowledge that freedom. Inside my home, maybe it wasn’t so bad, but once the thought of sharing it with the world came to mind, I started to feel like I was having a panic attack. So, apparently, that led me to just sitting here, staring blankly for hours.
“Don’t fucking do this,” Jameson said and he looked like a raging bull as he slammed the door behind him.
I had to say, hearing him talk was the most wonderful thing in the world. I felt lucky that he’d shared that with me, and his story, of course. The last thing I wanted was for him to stop again but I would completely understand if he did.
However, right now, it seemed like he had a lot to say. Oh, and he was about to say it too.
“I get that what happened scares the shit out of you,” he said.
He sounded angry. Hell, he looked angry. But I knew that anger wasn’t a threat and it wasn’t because he was mad at me necessarily. This was more like frustration and if he kept talking, I was sure I’d understand soon. Actually, I probably already did since I knew that I’d basically ran and hid from him all morning. Not to mention how I clammed the fuck up the moment his phone rang. And Austin’s words, though they had been joking, had made the real fear come out.
“I’m never going to ask for more than you can give me,” he went on. “I’m never going to push you. But something you do have to understand about me is that I don’t hide who I am. I never really have.”
“But you were married to a woman,” I said and there was a whole lot of questions in my tone. But I knew it would be rude to ask. In fact, I regretted opening my mouth at all.
He looked me dead in the eyes and I wished I knew what was going on in his head. Fuck, I hope I hadn’t offended him or pissed him off even more. Yes, I got that there was a whole spectrum of sexuality out there. I got that I was part of that since I knew for a fact that I was not attracted to women. I was with them, yes, and as shitty as it might sound, I was with women only because that was what I told myself I could have. But that said, I did understand that not everything was black and white. I guess, since when I’d first seen him, he had been with a guy I had assumed things, and that was wrong of me.
He sighed, and with it, he lost a bit of his steam.
“Yes, I was. And I loved Kelly. She was enough for me. More than enough,” he said with sadness in his eyes. “I’ve always known that my attraction wasn’t only toward women. For me, it’s more about who they are as a person. As long as I clicked then that was it. I didn’t need to ask myself questions, I just felt and went with it. But Kelly, she was the one person that I clicked with the most. I know we were young and I also know that I hadn’t had a lot of time to explore and meet a bunch of different people before we got together. I never denied myself because when I was with her, I never felt like I was missing something. And now…”
“And now?” I pressed.
“I haven’t been with a woman since her.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I guess I haven’t let myself think about it. Don’t really let people close, as you can tell. The men I fuck… it’s just that. I can’t explain it. Maybe I’m afraid of tarnishing what we had. Maybe I’m afraid of finding a woman just like her. Maybe I’m convinced that fucking men is safer somehow.”
His raised brow aimed in my direction told me that his plan hadn’t been working out too well for him. And I might have had to bite back a smile.
Well, that certainly was an answer. And I actually understood it completely.
The thing was, I understood what he was saying too. The little fact that he never wanted to, but somehow I’ve wrecked him a little. I’ve burrowed into his chest and made him feel something again. It might be small, but I sensed it was more.
“I’m sorry,” I said but I wasn’t just apologizing for one thing.
He sighed again and dropped down on to the couch along the far wall. Then he just stared at me for a long moment. I didn’t feel uneasy and I didn’t hate it. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off of him.
“Don’t do this,” he said. His voice was raspy and tired but I could hear the sadness clear as day in it. “I know this is hard for you. If you can’t give me more of you, I get it. All I’m asking is that you don’t shut me out. Let me be a friend, at least.”
I let my gaze drop to the black screen of my laptop. I was afraid that tears might spill from my eyes at any moment.
I didn’t have many friends. Not the kind of friends you trusted to care for you and have your back. I had one, sadly, and I was super pissed at him. And I wasn’t sure I could really call Jen a friend since I was paying him. I hoped there was a line there and that we knew where business ended and friendship began. Because without Jen, I’d be lost, and I hoped like hell he knew that.
Here Jameson was offering up basically the same thing. I had to laugh inside since I was the one paying him to be here. But I could really use another friend in my life and I wasn’t ready to give him up. I didn’t want to. I actually wanted more with him. I think he felt the same way but I realized this was hard for him, just like it was for me. We both had our reasons to run, even if they were completely different ones.
“Nick,” he said my name softly and I blinked back into focus.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I said coldly. Then, because I couldn’t let myself go there, I added, “you’re nothing but the hired help.”
His eyes turned dark as he stared me down.
