Page 21 of A Wrench in the Plan
Yellow was my favorite color, believe it or not. I felt warm and happy whenever I wore it, so I tried to wear it as much as possible without looking like that was the only color I was aware of. Sparrow would tell me that my outfits were too “sunshine” and they made her “want to vomit all over them” sometimes. I wasn’t sure why we were friends. Then again, I really did love her.
“It’s only me here,” he said like it didn’t matter if my skirt blew up because he sure as heck wasn’t going to be looking. Since his eyes were currently scanning the barely lit beach as if he was checking to make sure we really were alone, he didn’t see the hurt that crossed my face.
I did my best to pin my skirt down, all too grateful when he held the blanket against the sand so I could sit.
I kicked out of my shoes and then peeled my socks off, stuffing them back in the right shoe because I was weird like that. Digging my toes in the sand that was still warm from the day, I took in a deep breath and watched the baby waves roll in.
A million things were running through my head, but nothing came out. I was waiting for him to start talking so I would know what was going on with him. Why he felt this need to take a ride out here right now. We must have sat there an hour. The sun was completely gone now, the stars twinkling in the sky. Someone walked by with a dog, and I studied Chry as his eyes followed them until they were out of sight.
“You ever done something that scares you?” he asked.
I thought on this for a moment, not completely sure what he meant by it.
“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “All the time. Going to college was terrifying. But I did it, and I’m really happy that I did. Meeting new people is scary too, but I try my best to make friends wherever I am, or at least be pleasant enough to people and engage them in small talk.”
“No,” he said, head shaking like I had gotten it all wrong. “I mean, like, have you ever done something that you didn’t know you were capable of, opened up this part of yourself that’s been locked inside, and it scared you?”
“Like… what?” I asked hesitantly.
“Eh, I don’t know,” he came back with, and I could tell he was shutting down.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
There was no answer right away. In fact, the minutes ticked on so long that I wondered if he heard me or was even going to answer. Then again, it was kind of one of those things that didn’t require confirmation. Still, it would have been nice to hear where we sat as far as trust and honesty were concerned.
“Some things I want to tell you, but I can’t,” he finally said, voice low and distant. “I shouldn’t, even if I could.”
“Because it’s club business?”
“Yeah, that’s why I can’t. But Ishouldn’tbecause you’re too… sweet for the world I live in.”
His words caused a sort of bitterness to wash over me. I realized how I came off to the outside world. Sweet. Nice. Even innocent. And I was all of those things, but I didn’t have my head stuck so far up in the clouds that I was oblivious to how harsh the world could be.
“I’m really not, though. I live it alongside you. I may not know everything that goes on with the club, but being on the sidelines can get pretty messed up too.”
His head turned in my direction. I was barely able to make out the deep scrunch between his brows as he stared at me. Oh, how I wanted to run my thumb over that space between his brows. To smooth away that pensive confusion.
But I wouldn’t.
Nope.
I wouldn’t touch Chry unless it was absolutely necessary. I knew better. All that mattered was protecting my heart when it came to him, and strict, secure boundaries helped me to do that and still have him in my life.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“I’ve seen what my mom goes through whenever Dad goes out on runs. And when the feeling at the club changes. You can sense when something is wrong and there’s danger.” He opened his mouth but I knew what he was going to say. I really wanted to roll my eyes at him. And they said I was the naïve one. “Don’t even try it, Wrench.” Oh, yeah, I pulled out his road name. I only did that when he made me mad or said something totally stupid. Or in this case, was about to say something totally stupid. “I’ve been around the club for twenty-one years. I grew up in it. It’s not all cookouts and charity rides and brothers hanging out, drinking beers together. I’m well aware, so don’t you even try to lie to me.”
“Sorry,” he murmured, dropping his gaze. It looked as if I just shattered some sort of image he had in his head. Maybe his perfect world was one that was split. Where the members were so good at keeping their secrets that none of us knew. But that wasn’t reality, and I suppose it was time for him to be hit with it.
“How do you think it is for Ingram when Mouse goes on arun? When you go on one? How do you think it is for my mom when there’s trouble for the club? Or Aunt Claire or Aunt Bridget? How about Aunt Abigail? Her brother lost his life protecting the club, so think about how hard it hits her every single time Uncle Charming leaves or there’s an air of danger clouding the clubhouse?”
It was all I could do not to sound irritated or bitter. It was extremely hard to believe that he couldn’t see all of this. That he seemed oblivious to the ones that were left behind, holding their breaths until it was over.
“Growing up, that’s what I got to deal with. That’s what I saw,” I said, trying to make him understand. “My mom being strong and holding it together even though she was scared to death inside. She was good at hiding it, but it was there. The tense feeling that something is wrong, though as a kid, I couldn’t explain it.” I paused to suck in a deep breath. Oh, it was coming out now. “And how do you think I feel whenever you haveclub stufftodealwith? When you ride off and follow that van out of town, protecting it with your life? No, I don’t know what’s in there, but I know it’s not something legal. I know it’s not something good. I know it has a chance to bring a whole bucket load of danger to the club.”
“I never thought about it like that,” he said. “I just assumed that you all had no idea and you got together to help each other out. Like, taking care of the kids and stuff.”
“Yeah, we do, but that is the reason why it’s so important for those of us who aren’t involved with club business to have one another. Because at least we’re not dealing with it alone.”
