Page 58 of A Wrench in the Plan
“Okay,” he said softly.
“Mostly, I’m not sure what I would even say about it,” I went on. “Sometimes it feels like it happened to someone else, and sometimes it haunts me. It gets twisted up and blown out of proportion in my dreams. I know what happened. I remember everything about it, but it’s hard not to live in the things that could have happened. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” he said, not a hint of judgment in his tone.
I reached over and turned off the light beside the bed. Maybe I could talk about this in the darkness. Maybe it would stay there when I was done, and when I turned the light on again, it would all be gone.
Logically, I knew this was a silly way to think about it. But it somehow made it easier to relive it in the dark.
Evan said nothing, just held me tighter.
“I don’t know how to stop being back there,” I whispered. “I’m alive, I’m saved, but there’s a huge part of me that wished I’d died.” The tears spilled out of my eyes, feeling like they weren’t going to end any time soon. “What does that say about me? I should be thankful. But I’m not. I can’t…” I took in a shuddering breath. “I can’t get his hands off of me. I can’tnotfeel the things he did to me. And that fear that I felt thinking we were going to die the whole time is something I can’t let go of. I know I’m safe, but I can’t stop thinking that if I leave the house, he’s going to be there to finish what he started.”
“I’ll never let that happen,” he said. “The club won’t let that happen.”
“I know,” I said weakly.
Deep down, I knew they were on high alert. It made me wonder if there were more of them out there wanting to hurt the club. If Dustin was still out there waiting for a moment he could take me again. But I had no idea for sure. I was told I couldn’t leave the house without an escort, not that I was even leaving my room. Dad was here more than I think he’d ever been before. Mom was sticking close too. I hadn’t checked, but I would have bet that there were some brothers hanging around outside keeping watch as well. “I trust in the club, I do. But…”
“You can’t shake that fear,” he finished for me.
“Yeah.” I wiped my face on the sleeves of the hoodie, but it didn’t stop the tears. “All I want to do is escape it but I can’t.”
I buried my face in his chest as I cried. It was painful. It was cathartic. I couldn’t stop, and Evan held me through every wracking breath, every snotty sob, every painful wail.
“You’re not alone,” he whispered once my body had stopped shaking and the tears began to dry. “You’re never alone. I will always be here for you.”
“You’re the best,” I said.
“No, you’re the best.”
I smiled in the darkness. It wasn’t big or happy, but it was a small ray of light cutting through the abyss that I felt trapped in.
After a while, he kissed my head and ran his hand over my hair. I was exhausted, but I wasn’t ready to close my eyes and be pulled back into that nightmare. I was in my bed. I was surrounded by love and warmth. I felt safe for the first time since I’d been taken.
“Not for nothing, but you’re really gross,” he said, making me snort. Which was really disgusting considering I was all snotty from crying. “Your hair has enough grease to make fried chicken.”
I mock gasped and tried to pull away, but he just locked his arms around me.
“I really am gross,” I said.
“Yet, I still love you,” he said, placing a kiss on my forehead.
“I love you too,” I whispered. Shaking everything off, I said, “Tell me what I’ve missed with you. We haven’t talked for over a week, I need to know everything.”
He laughed softly.
“Not much. Just trying to juggle everything.” He paused, and I sensed there was something he was holding back. I wondered if it had to do with Chry. “I think I found out who my dad is.”
“What?!” I whispered-yelled with a gasp. “How? Who? What? When did you find this out?”
“I’m not one hundred percent sure, and I don’t know that I’m quite ready to talk about it… I’m still…”
“Processing?”
“Yeah. Definitely need to do that. I haven’t had time since I found out to really think about it.” He sighed. “I found out while you were…”
“Away,” I said, remembering that I’d used that on him. There was a hint of dark humor in my tone.
