Page 79 of Clued in to Love
A conversation.
A start.
Her stomach twisted with an anticipation she hadn’t felt in a long time as she finally pushed the door open.
He was already waiting for her at a table near the bar with one hand wrapped around a glass of water and the other drumming lightly on the table. She recognized the nervous habit.
Was it better or worse that he was on edge, too?
“Hey, Ben.” Hilary’s heart lurched when he stood up to greet her with a pained smile. “You look nice.”
“You too.” Ben held her gaze for a minute and then sat down. He wore a pair of well-fitting jeans and an oatmeal crew-neck alpine sweater with patterned navy pine trees, skiers, and snowflakes that the twins had gotten him for Christmas years ago. His eyes looked as worn as the ribbed cuffs on his sweater. “I ordered you a glass of wine. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, that’s great.” This was like a first date. Hilary’s pulse thudded in her neck. She clenched her hands under the table. “How’s life in the hotel?”
“Fine.” Ben swirled his wine glass and looked at her like she was a stranger. “No, that’s not true. It sucks.”
Hilary sighed and took a drink, hoping the wine would help her relax. She shouldn’t feel nervous to talk to her husband of twenty years. This was ridiculous.
“So, you wanted to talk.” Ben leaned against his chair.
“Ben, come on. We have to talk.” Hilary placed her hand over her heart. “I know we have a lot of work to do on us.”
“Agreed, so talk.” He threw his hands out in front of him, offering her the floor.
“Why did you leave?” The words spilled out before she even had time to form a thought.
“Did you want me to stay?” He raised a single eyebrow, squinting at her. “I’m surprised you noticed I was gone. You haven’t seemed to care at all lately.”
“I know, and I apologize for that. I’ve been consumed with work. You know how important Passport to the Holidays is for me.”
“Hilary, come on, it’s more than that. If we’re going to talk, let’s really talk.”
She took another sip of wine. “It’s been hard, Ben. I miss them so much.” She broke down. Tears poured down her cheeks. She wiped her nose with her napkin.
“I miss them, too,” he said, so softly she wasn’t sure if she was making it up.
“Do you?” Her voice cracked. “You seem fine. You’re always so upbeat. You go to the gym. You have your clients. Meanwhile, I’m barely holding it together.”
“I’m not holding it together.” Ben shook his head and scoffed. “It’s a huge change for me, too. The house is too quiet. It’s weird. It’s lonely, but I thought we’d have each other to get through it together. Instead, it’s like you’ve left me, too. I might have physically left, but you left me emotionally the day we dropped them off at college—probably even before that, if I think back.”
His words stung, but he wasn’t wrong.
Hilary clasped her wine glass and tried to silence her tears. They wouldn’t stop. They poured down her cheeks, like a leaky faucet she couldn’t shut off. “I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.” Her hands quivered, and her entire body felt like Jell-O. She brushed hot, salty tears away with her fingers.
Ben handed her a napkin. “I didn’t either.”
“I’m sorry for pulling away. I really am. I haven’t known what else to do. I guess seeing you be so fine has made me feel like a total failure. I miss them so much, Ben. So much more than I ever thought was possible. It’s like I’m walking around withmy chest cut open, and part of my heart has fallen out. I can’t seem to put myself back together.” Hilary had reached the ugly-cry phase. Her nose ran like a sieve; her shoulders quaked as she tried not to make a scene in the middle of the restaurant.
She dabbed her eyes with the corner of the napkin. “Why did you call Bella, though?”
Ben started to respond right as Hilary’s phone buzzed.
She dabbed her eyes with the already soggy napkin.
Shit—the mayor.
She looked from her phone to Ben.
