Page 37 of Holiday on the Rocks
The wind was knocked out of me at the somber look in his eyes. “Now don’t you go full naming me, Levi Andrew Dawson. I’m going to turn around, you get the rest of your clothes off, and I’ll toss them into the washer.”
I heard the soaking pants drop to the floor and the sound of water as he entered. I was in the same room as naked Levi. My twenty-four-hour ago self would’ve never believed this shit.
I scooped up the clothes and ran to the laundry room before I made some hot chocolate and returned to the bathroom with a knock.
“Here, drink this.”
I set the mug on the corner of the tub as I covered my eyes to ensure I didn’t see anything. I’d like to say his glorious smile had reappeared, but he lay back in the tub staring in the distance and it squished something in my middle. I pulled out my phone.
“I figure some of your magical Christmas music might get you out of this annoying funk.” What was the most upbeat tune? I opted for Rocking Around the Christmas Tree. I set the phone on the vanity and turned back and realized how much it tore at me to see him this way.
“I’m going get you something to wear.”
I went back into his room and stopped outside the door. This was his space. Where he slept, even if for only a few days. The place where he took off his clothes and maybe did push-ups naked. It was beyond bizarre when I approached his closet. I slowly slid the door open to find some clothing on hangers and some still inside his suitcase. I touched each shirt, and would it be weird if I smelled them? If so, I didn’t do that.
These were his things. The stuff he bought at stores while not thinking of me. He’d built himself a new life after he’d left. Had he ever contemplated finding me? I left home the second I could to escape the memories of him, but how was he able to just move on and never look back? Did he think of me?
I grabbed a red hoodie from the hanger and rummaged through the suitcase to retrieve a pair of charcoal grey sweats. I inhaled his socks like a sick lunatic as the fresh sent of fabric softener slid across my nose as visions of Levi sliding down my body zipped through my noggin. Stop!
I closed the closet and couldn’t help but notice his wallet on the dresser. It was totally out of line, but I opened it. He had a smoking hot driver’s license photo which seemed unfair to the rest of the world, debit card, and credit card. As I flipped it over there was a little pocket. My heart stopped when I pulled out a photo. It was worn with bent corners, but there was no mistaking the faces. It was a laughing Levi sitting on the tailgate of his blue Ford truck, a fire below him, and me on his lap. My arms were wrapped around his neck while I kissed his cheek. Of course a bottle of tequila sat beside him because we walked the line of crazy and fucking crazy back then.
The brink of sanity at times, but the emotions and all-consuming love were my addiction. We couldn’t get enough of each other, and it drove my parents crazy. My dad would ground me time after time, but there was no keeping me away from him. The straight A student with the hellion was a concern to an entire community. But being in his arms was all I wanted. Our connection was inexplicable. We brought the passion and craziness out of one another. While I’d like to say it was all a mistake, I think I’d been seeking anything like it since the day he left.
I put the photo back but quickly grabbed it once again and stared a little longer.
If I could go back in time, what would I do differently? Anything at all? I wished I could say yes. I wished there was a single day in the past seven years I hadn’t thought of him. Craved him.
There was another little pocket and when I peeked inside, I heard the shattering of the deep emotions that stay hidden. The ones I threw into a hole and poured a thick layer of concrete over to never feel again burst through like a barrage.
His gold wedding band.
I held it between my fingers as the visions shot rapid fire. Road trip, wedding bands bought at a pawn shop outside of Las Vegas, and holding the hand of the man who was my everything.
I quickly put it back in the proper place and rested my back against the wall. A surge of caged up jitters hit me, and my legs were wobbly and heavy.
He still had the wedding ring. He carried it with him every day. He kept it but never came back for me? Never reached out once? Why would he have it if he didn’t think of me?
After several cleansing breaths that didn’t do shit, I knocked on the open bathroom door before setting the clothes on the vanity. “Here you go.”
I looked over to see his head resting back on the tub with his eyes closed.
“I think I’m going to make those cookies I was talking about.” No reaction. “So you’re good in here?”
He didn’t move an inch, just gave a small nod. I knew the expression he wore. The one when he was battling with himself to find strength. The one I saw when his father went on a bender and wasn’t found for three days. When their power was shut off and an eviction notice delivered. Levi had the ability to dig deep, push through, and find solutions where there were none.
His mother left them when he was young and it was a scar that would never heal. The woman who just let him go. Packed up and left her beautiful little boy with an alcoholic father.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
I exited as worry took a seat on my chest as the legs of the chair sunk into my ribs. I sat on the top step close to his room not certain why, but I couldn’t move. Twenty minutes later I approached the bathroom again to see Levi dressed and standing at the vanity, hands resting on the counter, and his head down.
The air cracked with tension and unease, and I didn’t know if I should stay or go while I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas sang quietly from my phone on the counter.
“How’re you doing?”
He inhaled through his nose but was still. I decided I should definitely leave. He just needed a moment to gather his thoughts after the water disaster. I turned but he caught my hand and before it could register in my mind, his embrace enveloped me.
I started to push away, like the brain-using-woman I was, but an instant later I melted into him. It was familiar but different. His smell, the way he held me, the instant reaction my body had to him. The organ in the center of my chest scolded me, and demanded I step away immediately, but my legs weighed one thousand pounds.
