Page 251 of Ruptured
“How can I not? She didn’t deserve what she got.”
“No, she didn’t,” Dad agreed. “But it ain’t your fault. Even if it was, you either die with her or you move on.”
CJ stumbled back. “You’re a hypocrite! You still can’t move on from what happened to Mom, and she’s fucking alive.”
“This ain’t about me—”
Growling, CJ punched his father’s jaw.
Surprise crossed Dad’s face for a moment, then he jammed a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, and clipped CJ’s chin.
Smirking, Dad blew smoke in CJ’s face, enraging him all the more. He punched his father again, this time in the stomach, then shoved him back, barely moving him. When he punched him a third time, Dad grunted, but blocked a fourth hit, balled his fist and socked CJ’s gut. He dropped to the ground and writhed in pain.
Blearily, CJ watched his father flick the cigarette toward the creek, then walk over and crouch down. Grabbing a handful of hair, he dragged him to his feet.
“I tried this shit once with your Grandpa, boy,” he said conversationally. “First time I ever got my fuckin’ ribs broke. You hurtin’, so I’m gonna let you off easy. If you raise your motherfuckin’ hands to me again, I’m breakin’ those motherfuckers. Understand, son?”
CJ nodded, physical pain added to his emotional torment.
“I ain’t always makin’ the right decisions as your old man, but I try my fuckin’ best. You got every right to be angry. A lot of shit happenin’, and none of it good.”
“I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to hit you.”
“You raised your motherfuckin’ hands, balled those motherfuckers up, and punched me. That wasn’t a fuckin’ accident, boy.”
CJ sniffled.
Dad finally released his grip on CJ’s hair.
Mattie burst into tears.
“It’s okay, Mattie,” Dad said.
“I wouldn’t have called you if I’d known you’d fight,” she said miserably. “I was just worried about CJ.”
“You did the right thing,” Dad assured her, then looked at CJ. “You finishin’ out the school year, CJ. I want you back in football. You got to get yourself together, son. Watchin’ you fall apart just prove you not ready for the fuckin’ club.”
“Dad, please. Don’t take that away from me.Please.”
Dad glanced away.
“That isn’t fair, goddamn you,” CJ shouted. “My entire fucking life I’ve heard I’m going to be a part of the club.You’vesaid it. Mom’s suffering because of it. Ryan hated me for it. Now, you’re telling me I can’t join. When that’s part ofme.My entire identity? How fucking dare you!”
Dad gave CJ a hard stare. “Relationships don’t fuckin’ matter when you runnin’ a motherfuckin’ club. You keep motherfuckers in line or it’s fuckin’ chaos. You follow fuckin’ orders or you pay the fuckin’ consequences.”
“This is all about me not beating up, Rory. You’re punishing me because I didn’t do what you said when I had nothing to do with that argument.”
“I ain’t punishin’ you, CJ. Far from it. I’m protectin’ you. I was so fuckin’ wrong to put that shit in your head and allow everyfuckinbody to do it. I can’t undo it. Club life not only about operations to protect sisters and mas. It ain’t only about pussy, alcohol, and drugs.” He stared at Grant. “It’s about territory and respect and pride. Freedom. But there’s a price to pay. One that destroy you if you let what yougotto do affect you. If you let death wreck you.” He swung his gaze back to CJ. “I’m hurtin’, son. For Rebel. For Rule. For Jo. For Ransom. Foryou. Big Joe’s death almost ruined me, but only one person’s death would fuckin’ kill me. I can survive anything except losin’ Megan.”
Unsure what to say, CJ shrugged. Everything was so tense at home.
“To learn, you got to listen, boy. To save motherfuckers cuz they family mean you got to figure out an alternative. You got to walk through life like you own it, but never get so fuckin’ high-and-mighty that you forget fairness when it’s required.”
“It seems like you’re making me forget it with Rory,” CJ croaked.
“No, son. I ain’t. The punishment fit the crime. Rory withheld vital information from the club and brought it to motherfuckin’ Johnnie instead of me. Ifyoucan’t understand how close death is all the fuckin’ time, howyou…you,CJ…got to bring death on motherfuckers…” Dad looked at him with meaning. “Fairness a crucial part of leadership but so’s optics. You didn’t want to hit Rory cuz you thought it was unfuckinfair? I ain’t takin’ that away from you, but you ain’t gettin’ respect that way. Fromnofuckinbody. You disobeyedmyfuckin’ order.Outlaw’s.Andyou just look like a weak pussy. You gotta learn the art of lies and manipulation. Rory sufferin’ cuz he can’t go to the club.Youcoulda said you ain’t want to fuck him up cuz keepin’ him away longer was harder on him.”
“I still would’ve disobeyed you, Dad,” CJ said, though he understood what his father meant. It was the same thing the guys had been trying to get through to him before Mattie’s arrival.
